My working list of parts...

Multiple hosts? Maybe. Parts in my head say no to this idea. But I recall at least three times when I nodded off in the midst of great distress and when I opened my eyes I was totally clear, strong, blank and "together." Instantly. I haven't been observing enough to be able to tell whether the part that stepped in had host-like qualities, and I'm not sure what that would look like different from parts anyway.

I know the last time this sleepy switch happened, I was really nauseous and had a headache, and was upset because I wanted to be intimate with my SO but felt unsafe about it. I got sleepy. I came back and was in touch with a sexual adult type part but did not feel as "separate" as it does when there are parts, so maybe this was a different adult-mind host that is less triggered by sexual things.

Protector/rationalist (Host?) - very self-controlled, conscientious, emotion is surface usually.

Cranky teenager - gets really vocal about frustrations, disrespectful (e.g. will play on the cell phone at church), maybe purpose is to express anger in a "safe" fashion (over unimportant things). Maybe another trauma split for something I don't remember yet.

Core Self/Trauma EP - incapacitated, holds both my emotions about primary (recurrent???) sexual trauma and my natural fight/flight instinct. When I am in tune with her I hear her verbalizing "no no no, oh my God oh my God" and feel visceral defensive body movements. I really want to integrate her globally because I want my fight/flight instinct working more globally.

Child holding body memories - different fragment from Trauma EP above, as Trauma EP holds the emotion and the instinctual fighting. This one holds the body memories of abuse, flashbacks that link awareness to Trauma EP

Perfectionist performer - very productive, cleans, often working with Protector above

Seducer - uses sexual power to control interactions with men

Submissive child - possibly part protected by Seducer, very compliant, no voice for going against others, has a distinctive voice that sort of purrs

Persecutor/Inner Critic - nuff said. I need to get better at recognizing the positive motivations from this one... might be an introject of mother's incessant criticism... not sure how to determine whether this is a part that feels like part of me or a part that identifies with her.

Dread/toxic emotion dump - NEED MORE INFO ON THIS ONE - comes out before novel social experiences, when I anticipate criticism, sometimes when achieving a goal I should feel good about (replaces pride/excitement)

Happy child - creative, playful, innocent, out a lot (thank goodness)

OCD cleaner/organizer - more compulsive than perfectionist performer about cleaning

In my posts "Wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff" and "More thoughts on time" I wrote about how my experience of time changed RADICALLY sometimes when I took NAC to stop daydreaming. And I mentioned a book by Claudia Hammond called "Time Warped" in relation to time perception.

Then I got this book from the library. And read it. And it is a very good read. Highly recommended to people who like friendly science writing on an interesting subject. It also contained this-

"The whole dopamine system appears to be crucial in the perception of time. If you give someone the drug haloperidol, often prescribed for schizophrenia, it blocks the receptors for dopamine and causes people to underestimate the amount of time that's passed, while the recreational drugs methamphetamines (or speed) do the opposite; they increase the levels of dopamine circulating in the brain, which causes the brain's clock to speed up with the result that people then overestimate the amount of time that has passed."

Low dopamine. Under estimate. 1 hour real time feels like 3 hours passing. See also Depression.
High dopamine. Over estimate. 3 hours real time feels like 1 hour passing.

The low dopamine effect seems to be what I'm feeling. EXCEPT that I also have focus and motivation during this time. Which are more indicative of high dopamine. And were really nice! Amphetamines are not a healthy long term way to explore this. NAC only has an intermittent effect. I went looking for other ways to boost dopamine. Number one method? Increase the tyrosine in your diet. Tyrosine, that lovely amino acid which is daily stopping me from frequent suicidal thoughts.

All this is to say, I have no idea what my brain chemistry is up to. But it's clearly up to something. I don't know which is the cart and which is the horse. Has the abuse of my brain by daydreaming for decades caused a dopamine issue? Is there another imbalance and it's hitting dopamine is a side effect? Is it unrelated and just working off similar chemical antecedents? Or is there a regular biochemical cause for some of this. I'm cautious about experimenting. Since one way that NAC could "stop working" is through down regulating receptors in the brain. And that doesn't seem healthy either. Back to reading and trying to put together a theory. Frustrating and fascinating.

I know what I like when I comes to both men and women the thing for me is that I hate it I'd rather be stressful and anxious than EVER in a million years be comfortable with my attraction to men I have a hatred for men and whatever God bostowed this upon me. being stressed out and anxious is a far better alternative to being ok with the slight attraction (it's more than slight but whatever) I have to men.

I think I like red, most of my clothes are red.
But I’m not sure if I like it.
I’m not really a “red” type of person.
Maybe I like purple; I always want to dye my hair in grape shade.
I think it will be great, if only my skin was fairly white.
Black and white looks fascinating.
I plan to make up my room by that color.
It’s a plan I’m longing to realize.
I wonder if I will ever make it come true.
I used to like brown.
I thought it’s a prefect color for me.
Before one told me that my skin looks darker when I use brown.
Peach might be my favorite.
However, I never had anything in peach.
Not even a bed sheet.
I found orange color is interesting.
It shows passion and dynamic.
I should’ve had one thing or two by that color.
Comes in a dress will be just fine.
Yellow is the one I used in my drawing
When I was a child
But I don’t think I like it
Or I do like it…?
I have a green belt which I adore
But I never use it
My boyfriend gave me a pink shirt once upon a time
Do I look good in it?
I think I’ll stick in blue as option

Plastic.
we wouldn't all starve if we phased out plastic use as quickly as possible.