So; all of this has been about waking up; Fear... Fear of waking up through what really put me to sleep.
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Everything that put me to sleep; thats what Im facing; one thing at a time. That's where the pain and hardship of waking up is. ITs my nervous systems remembrance of fear of what put me to sleep.
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Everything Ive been working on hard is because of the resilience of my nervous system not to relive it...
To wake it up again by Gods command... To relive... or walk through it; and what am I finding.
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Im finding why I went to sleep; either family members or fake best friends and their families or First Loves. Or bad teachers or monsters... psychopathic bullies; Molesters and having no place to run...
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And now I know. All of those people; their would be no future with them ever from the start; they were murder'rs. All of them.
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Im feeling the fear of amnesia. Amnesia put all of that to sleep and all of me... And God worked with me for many many many years slowly opening up a closed chest sunken in the bottom of the sea.. And in it was his memories and history of everything.
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It was like being on the Titanic and I was full of life; and then suddenly the death bell range and that meant the ship was going down and everyone was going down with it and no escape. And thats what Ive been reliving through each character I write about in these blogs. These were not friends but demons of the worst nature; Murderers. Nothing more; people who were taking my life.
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God did not want me to ever see any of them ever again. However, what God has wanted; for me to wake up and see? See I was on a dying field and those were the perpetrators.
God had to allow me to walk through those death fields and discover what I must discover walking down that demon trail. I see many tortures and horrors and I am the one who is being tortured in every story; and they are murder's; all of them.
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The goal is to walk through the past holding Gods hand; slowly uncovering my body that has been thrown around to different places of the killing field. Finding and discovery parts and who was and is feeding on them; pick up the parts and put them into a holding vessel as I walk along and feel the pain of the tortures as they one by one destroy me and dismantle me. I with God witnessing; I relive and see what put me to sleep over n over n over. I pick up the remains of what is left of my body from that specific story and move on to the next story where Im dismantled again in different ways... and finally I see the death blows; Those who set me up for the taste of blood; to see a final blow for my death; a death of many different forms and fragments of self. In this case; The murders; The criminals that simply run away and hide in civilization thus creating a new story or alibi if they had never met me.
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Im starting to see the full of it. And I am to sit with God and just feel it; look around the death feild and just sit and feel it and accept what did happen.
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The goal is to hang on; stay with God; And now it was a long time ago. Feel the fear; For the fear is death fear at the central core of my body...
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God is with me.
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So; what is this all about; Its about years ago; asking God to resurrect me; to bring me back to a new life!
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And God is doing so. God takes my hand as I walk through my history to protect me take care of me let me know Im not alone; God Universe is with me. And their is a price for what Im asking for; I am asking for freedom; and God is letting me know; their is a price. If I choose to wake up; and I have; this is the price that has befallen me. To see past and relive many aspect of it; to think that maybe I had lovers or friends or close ones at heart. Only to know now; I was murdered; they were all in on it; as part of it at different instances.
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What do I truly remember now about the people Ive written about: FEAR. ...

[ Continued ]

I HAVENT PICKED FOR A WEEK! I feel so proud of myself!! Nobody could ever imagine this feeling right now

Commitment in a new life....
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I come from a breakdown background. I turned into a 4-6 year old when I was 16... I never came out of it; Im much older then 16 now; but Ive been in that stage for most of my life. Ive never been an adult; I was never a teenager; maybe a little; and no adolescence; nothing.
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So; at a meeting I heard the concept of; commitment; someone mentioned they never had commitment... They are just learning about commitment...
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I said to myself; I am committed to my girlfriend
I am committed to my car...
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I do not have a girlfriend or a car... These are things of adults; I do not have them. The last time I tried to be innocent and sincere with girl; I was 14 and got slaughtered...
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I could never have a car; I never had the money to run one...
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Now; Im writing about it first...
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Its strange because it takes me back into a realm I got destroyed. Its like being taken back into a battlefield...
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However; I know its a sign of normal.. I mean; having relationships as adults and having things like a car; are normal concepts. They are responsable people. I get it...
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So; Im talking to God to see where I fit in at...
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How can I make the jump back to that place'; cars; girlfriends; acting norma; dressing like a normal person; not like someone hiding on the streets n such....
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So; Ill keep working at it...
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Ill start writing stories about such things as if i already have them. I have to grow into them; become what I want first; Ill start writing about pathways to such places and things... and creating steps in my imagination of such places; as if Im getting to such places... and have contacted such places... or Im connecting to such concepts.
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Its a jump; it hurts really bad. Its a place I was slaughtered.. So; However, I can see that it would be good for me to become those things... So... Ill start working on it.

It is so hard to love someone who's so mean to you because they can't understand your mental illness and don't sympathize with it. It just annoys them and leaves me feeling unbearably alone and hurting.
But I have no idea how to fix it or what to even do. I've tried.

I thought I had a support system, but now I don't have anyone.

Bad Sign

Today I woke up early, but that’s a bad sign
Feeling refreshed from my deepest slumber
Hoping I don’t go into a manic attack this time
But as the day passes, I see it’s got my number

Sliding down that slippery slope of mania alone
Wishing I could experience any other emotion
As I’m falling helplessly into that bad zone
Into swell after swell of this manic ocean

I can feel the head rush coming on, focus lost
Gritting my teeth and trying to put on a façade
Unfortunately, each time this happens, I pay the cost
It like being in the spotlight of a fast moving parade

The warning sign was there, I just wish it weren’t true
Each time I wake up early, feeling great, I see now
Before Cymbalta, of mania, I didn’t think I had a clue
Measures to bring this feeling at bay, I just don’t see how

I pray my medications will set me straight for tonight
And my sleep medications will put me right out
Onto my lost reality, I desperately try to fight
But through med after med is my only route

Tomorrow I see my doctor in the light of day
Hoping he can prescribe something to help me
I just need a little something to keep the mania at bay
And he’s the only one that holds the key

Today I woke up early, but that’s a bad sign