I am a sixteen year old female who is sexually attracted to her own mother. I'm incredibly ashamed of it and I have no idea why I feel this way. I don't find her attractive. And I've actually had an absolutely horrible relationship with her ever since i was 13 and I cannot stand the woman.
Honestly, the relationship is so horrible. I have trouble hearing her voice without getting incredibly pissed off. But recently I've been getting so angry, that I actually become turned on. Now, the littlest things she does that used to make me so angry, now turn me on. For example, the way she handles everything so delicately, how soft her voice is...ect. ect.

I've been feeling this way for about 6 months and its been progressively getting worse. Now I find it invading my thoughts, and being on my mind frequently.
I have struggled with OCD in the past... Obsessive thoughts about things such as incest and bestiality .. but I've never had problems with obsessive thinking AND erotic feelings.

Please. help. I've attempted suicide because of this, and I haven't been able to bring myself to tell my therapist or psychiatrist.
I have looked on some forums saying that feeling sexually attracted to a family member is more common than people realize... which makes me feel a little bit better.

But I would like to know why on earth do I feel this way? And how can I make it go away?

My family and I are at our wits end. My nephew is diagnosed schizophrenic. He spent some time in jail, came home, refused to take his medicine and now has been off of it for some time. He became aggressive with all of his siblings and they put him out of their homes. I'm just learning most of this today. He was found on the highway wandering the street with his hands so badly damaged that they may have to remove them and he won't tell anybody what happened. I am intervening because this is my nephew and someone has to, but I have no idea where to begin to help someone with condition with violent tendencies. Not a single clue where to start or what to do, but I am heartbroken to learn that all of this has been going on under my nose for so long. Can someone point me in the right direction? I am located in Chicago, are there resources here, should he come home? Can I help him. Help me please/

You wouldn`t believe there was a follow up to my last blog entry, but there is

The night after i was also up and looking out of my window( i don`t look out at the window that often but it has been warm so i have been standing in it more then usually).

When i saw...around 1-2am two women standing outside the block of flats next to mine, then a van came driving up to the front door. I went inside for a moment(don`t want to look like a peeping neighbour), but i was a peeping neighbour 1 second later behind my curtains and i saw about 7 people all of a sudden . They had all stepped out of the van

For one moment i thought it was human trafficking because the van had no windows behind, only in the front seat, its a sorta van you would use for furniture just the smaller type.
Now i think it is some sort of a gathering maybe for a wedding? Strange vehicle to use to pick up your relatives from the airport(they were all asian/muslims). They must have been sitting on the floor in the back of the van.

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Awareness of a new chapter is appearing...
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The Phase Series has 2 point;

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1. To create my music and play it live
2. Girlfriend.
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Creating music at minimal levels is returning... Its still work; However; Im able to do things again.
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Haven't Performed anything yet: I have created a few small written pieces to play live; they are small; some; hand clap pieces; taking very small amount of time to perform; However; very effective for the purpose of performance practice...
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GIRLFRIEND;
In order to have a girlfriend; My past has to be understood. I would have to work through various problems with past associations with women Ive known; look at the tragedy and scale of failure. Ill look at the dysfunctions.
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NOTE; First Love blocks new girlfriends; my history. However; the only way to emotionally get past First Love is to have my first authentic feeling emotional based Girlfriend…
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Ill look at the most important relationship of my past; First Love; Work with God on why this ended in such a tragedy. The goal is to break it down; learn from it; de powering it... And thus breaking it into pieces; understanding what happened; and finally moving on...
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I believe Im at the near end of the problems occuring in that association with my First Love. She was my First Love; I was not hers!
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Problems with First Love;
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At this point; the main concerns with First Love; have to do with Never telling her the truth and Not being able to tell her who I really am or the truth of my background. Also; to stand my ground after telling her regardless of my background; Telling her; she is worth the fight... I like her even tho I dont have the market value level to be with her... Meaning she has much more options at a much higher degree of value in the market place then I did. I was a 3 in the market place; She was a 9. I still want to tell her regardless; Tell her I like her. With all my laminations I want her to know I like her and I like being with her. And present her with the option if she wants to continue to associate with me or build a friendship relationship with me; meaning girlfriend and beyond... Romantic relationship.
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I need to come up with the words to describe how this all feels if I told someone this( What I would have told First love). It means Im bold and courageous. In fact Ive never been bold and courageous in this area before; Nothing... This is way out on a limb for me. It would suggest I tell my inner secrets and let someone decide if they want something to do with me... That is over the top for me. To stand in front of someone or sit in front of someone; confess who Im not; and just sit their with them and let them decide if they would still like to inquire on how to build a relationship with me because Im interested in them.
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Having no value in the Relationship/Sexual market place......
Its like telling a rich women I have no money but Im interested in her and I like her anyway; I like her enough to tell her the truth; and still stand my ground. Tell her; She is worth the fight... Knowing my chances of hooking up with her are zero! But I want to do it because that is how I feel.
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So; I have allot of things I did not tell her. I realize I could not tell her something. Meaning; my voice was paralyzed; it was just stuck; Sexual abuse has allot to do with my voice being stuck; this and being thrown away when young; not developed when young.
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I never told this girl who I was or what I wanted from her... I was to chicken; I thought; How can I demand something of someone so different then myself. My background was so awful... How could I just burden this person with all this awfulness and then expect anything from them; that seemed ridiculous; But what I needed was courage; I needed to tell the girl the truth and maybe; maybe a shot that she might still want to hang around me. I seriously could never see myself doing t...

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So; Im showing signs of healing.
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The bigger picture of my life is showing up.
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I was completely thrown away and neglected at birth; Kind of. I had parents around. Later; at the age of 4-5; I was let off at nursery school; so I got attention that way.
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I had brothers and got some attention that way; not that much. I was always wondering. I never really saw them or hung out with them. I had to share a room with my older brother... my oldest brother had his own room; but the more I look at it; I spent no time with them ever; not really; looking back; something was horribly wrong. I did figure it all out... THey had been so traumatized they were in an almost sedated state from the beginning; They to were thrown away completely.
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To handle; from the beginning; being thrown away; I jumped out into life and met new people. I didn't care who it was; I ended up at others homes and spent my time at their homes most of the time; ( I was part of the furniture) I was doing this to make up for not having anyone at my house... I loved my house and neighborhood more then anything in the whole world... Unfortunately the psychopaths who brought me their knew this as well and were waiting to pull this out from under me. And they did... I was 9 years old; I was traumatized to the point of a complete split from reality; This meant many things; first; it meant the people I was living with cared nothing about my survival; either of them; they were monsters and murder'rs. I would never get my dreams that go with a middle class life or family; all the development I thought I was going through; it will never happen. Im being erased. I do not have my house anymore or neighborhood or have any idea about my future. I mean nothing to these people.
The house was never mine; They moved into this house knowing they would move at some point and shatter my dreams... They cared not about me or my future; Nothing...
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No more schooling; but I was flunking out completely the whole time in grade school; no one cared; it just kept getting worse every year... It was neglect!
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( And this is Important); The friends I had made were no friends. As soon as these people in charge broke apart 9 mother Father); I headed to my best friends house to talk to him; He made it clear that he and his parents thought I was a bad kid and I deserved what ever I got ( They had never liked me or wanted me around; from the beginning)?
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NOTE; This upper paragraph is important because it suggests these friends were no friends and wanted nothing to do with me from the beginning. THus; in First grade Im moving outward trying to meet new friends; for my survival; This suggests Ive known and accepted I will get nothing from the family system Im living with; I seem to all ready know this at the time. Also; ill continue to make these mistakes with the wrong people... Ill find the wrong people... I always found the wrong people; people who never saw any worth in me. Could this be; I was looking for more people like my parents to spend time with... Because my parents never wanted me.
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"He made it clear that he and his parents thought I was a bad kid and I deserved what ever I got"
I could not believe what I was hearing. I was the nicest kid ever created in the whole world ( what was going on here. I was destroyed and devastated. No one cared what happened to me. I will be consumed and destroyed..... I had no friends...
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NOTE; These kids I tried to make friends; they were resentful I bothered them. They did not like me or value me or respect me; they could care less who I am; or was at the time; I was just someone to be used. I had no idea; I thought I had made great friends; I had not. They knew from the very beginning what was going on...
Regardless of my judgment for them or their sick families; in the end it was non of my business because they never came to me; I went to them. If I had never...

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