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Im still messed up in the adolensence period by OMNICELL on Tue Apr 16, 2019 1:20 am
My life was cut off when young; about 5th grade; and everything else is blank after this; its not that I don't remember it; but its all outside my body. Its de personalization; all of it. So; no development; its like I was kidnapped; my life was kidnapped.
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So; what do I do; thats the big problem; no family; where do I go to be apart of something in the present; what family; So; I have to turn to the universe for help to bring me a new group of people I want to be around and develop.
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This is a real hard thing for me; this area.
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I end up at bad places because of loneliness. I get around crude people that don't like me!
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On the other hand; expecting stuck up people from rich families to like me is just as bad or worse; they dont need me and dont want me either.
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Im not sure where I fit in; Im so insecure in this area. I have to work with God to find a place for myself on this planet.
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My mind is dissociated in this area or time period of adolescence; I have no experiences; my mind was closed off. Now; Im lost; I want to be apart of things; have a decent life; I have to see it in my mind first.
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I have to see it in my mind first; thats the problem.
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I have to trust God; work with the universe. ITs scary to go back into this time period. It would not be so bad if I was in a safe space.

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From single to Non single by OMNICELL on Fri Mar 29, 2024 6:45 am
From Single to Non Single.
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First let me say; all things are under my higher power and I start with prayer and meditation under my higher power.. This is very important; all things taken to my higher power and worked through and asked of my higher power. And my higher power brings those who qualify. I don’t have anything to do with that part of things. They are attracted; not to me; to start with; they are attracted to my higher power. And they are attracted to the higher power that is in me. So I must be inline with my higher power so that they may see the higher power they are attracted to; they may see it in me… The attributes of my higher power the qualities of my higher power. This is the journey whether I like it or not.
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THIS IS NOT A FUN JOURNEY! I CAN FEEL THE FEAR AND TERROR>…
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As for women; This is not a journey about women. This is a journey about my manhood. I now seek to go from a position of self that was a state of mind of single to Non-Single.
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This does not require women; this is about a mans journey facing forward and going on a journey.
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This is about working through grief of a past. I have done so. A treaty of peace or neutrality has occurred from the past; However; It has been under the guidance this time of God the whole time. And because of this; a peace has occurred.
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I guess its kind of like a divorce. I guess; Ive never been divorced. One might like the other person but cant live with them… So they divorce and move on… And that is what Im doing; a treaty of neutrality and peace with those people and places and things of the past; And now Im moving on.
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What kept me single? GRIEF!
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Now; Working with God and aligning with God; Ive worked aligned with God and God has helped me out and is helping me out. God shines on me like a star-sun. And thus the grief has been worked out ENOUGH. Its not perfect; but its perfect enough for God. God smiles… And God gives me the Go -ahead to move on. God is my Mother and Father; And has has given me the go ahead to move on.
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My new journey is about going from a state of Single to Non-Single.
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A man who is non single in nature and spirit and intellect; he can date 10,000 women; Hes all about interacting with women and dating correctly in the right ways that make sense under God… meeting new people. And having girlfriends and more and marriages if that make safe sense under God today. Its about soulmates UNDER GOD! Shes my best friend; my helper; FROM GOD! UNDER GOD…
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She is created by Gods energy.. She is attracted to my energy because my energy comes from God… But it is God she is attracted to and feels safe. And if I have that energy from God; it is that energy she is attracted to…
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So; those things about a womens position on who they are under God; Gods energy and such; Fair enough; but Im not even in that position to be worrying bout that.
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Im on a journey; A journey going from a meeker boy to man; manhood… Under God… God always sovereign over head. All things are taken to God first to go down the journey… As I go down the journey.
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This is an unknown journey.
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SO; It begins when it begins.
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Please understand its still horrible; moving forward when I have a past; come from a post; its just possible when before it wasnt possible. Now it is…
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And FEAR; Man o Man; Do I have Fear! I can feel it.
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So; Ill be starting this at some point because; Ive earned my way up to this point and this is my starting point…
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A kid that earns his way through the 6th grade. They don’t put him back to first grade. He starts out where he legally finished off; he starts out with what ever comes after 6th grade. Can he prove it; Yes! Hes or she has earned it ( They) have earned it.. They start out where they can show proof that theyve honestly earned.
Under God; Ive honestly earned the right to go to the next level up concerning dating...

[ Continued ]

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Phase 3 # 14 Art, music, and relationships by OMNICELL on Tue Jan 17, 2023 6:42 am
Art; Where am I? Im searching for the beginning; for the beginning foundation to create. meaning; breaking down things into there base levels; Meditation; so the universe can tell me where to begin with Art. WHat is the beginning subject. Until I know this beginning; I wont start; thus; I have to get on my knees to God more n more and get back in my starting lane..
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Women and Relationships...
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Im about 50/50% when it comes to relationships and I continue grow everyday. Relationships are like music and Art; Im trying to start over again... So I have to process everything out and start over at the base.
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Im working with God; 100 hours on my knees Thanking God and 100 hours in meditation will do me much greater results to answer these problems...
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I feel Im fairly close to an Art base; I just dont know what it is. Because i'm not aligned with that part of self. Im still in flated and arrogant and mad.. Im resentful and lost.
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Do I create figures out of real tree limbs or create animals on walls like our ancestors in caves? Do I take a cane and scribble out pictures and drawings in the sand at a beach? WHat do I do? How do I get started; what is the base.
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Im music I got it! I know where Im starting; Im starting from a stand point of composition; Thats whats important.
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Give me a few sticks to click together; and some hand clapping and how about a looper... and a mike. I can make all the compositions I want before I start... Thats all I need; a table top to drum on and some lyrics and tapping my feet on the ground; All written out in a composition. I can start out with click sound created by tapping 2 pieces together with wood. I get it; Its about the composition; thats what id be creating and performing and both would be of equal quality; both in the studio and performing. What I create; I perform; the purpose of creating is to perform.
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But what about Art; How Do I " Perform" it! And Im not getting a clear of picture of COMPOSITION As my main element of interest because; it seems like no one would be seeing it. Thus; Im not sure where Im going with Art; I mean; the deeper levels; thats what I have to work out with the universe first. I dont know yet what it looks like or where I would show it or who would see it; how would I perform it...
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Performance art; but those type of performances are rare; not every weekend... I mean....
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RELATIONSHIPS:
THis is about getting over my First Love; thats where it starts. My remembrance of her is kind of a melancholy sorrow; a kind of Dysthymia depressional... Like looking back because I dont have anything in the present; However, the problem with that is; The whole graveyard underneath that has been moved and changed and Im about to explode out of that into a whole new world.
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Im just kind of waiting for the universe to break through the walled blocks that are holding me and or holding me in. Thus; I Have to get on my knees and keep bowing down to God until the insights come....
Relationships are kind of like Art for me. I cant really start until I have that foundation; until it appears... Much like it did for music. For music; my thinking completely changed direction...
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I went from someone who fooled around and dabbled with instruments to someone who actually like to create compositions. Compositions are my thing... And that is clear now; Clear'r then before...
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So; I have deeper resentments and dissociation and numbness and anger and repressed anger and hated and melancholy and sadness and defeat; This means the PTSD is still very active at a lower level; and I want that recurring stuff to stop; Its hooked into sexual abused PTSD and many other things; I want it worked out so I can be myself again and be free.
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Im assuming my Art ill come first; the ability to know why Im creating Art and where to start...
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As I said before; Ill start bringing...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 4295 times
First post by dkbluiis on Sun Dec 07, 2014 5:47 am
*TRIGGER WARNING*





Hi, I'm dkbluiis (not my real name ;) ) and I am a sex addict. My bottom lines are masturbation to pornography, adult sexual chat (including ageplay), exhibitionism/voyeurism (cam sex) and picture trading, and pedophilia. I'm currently in therapy for all that, and I am grateful to have found this forum. I have good days and bad, but the good are starting to outnumber the bad. I still have "triggered" moments, but I'm learning to deal with the triggers.

For instance: I watched a movie tonight entitled, "My Life as a Dog" that presented me with a trigger, and I'm dealing with it now. I won't go into details; those of you who've seen it can probably guess what the trigger was. *Sigh*.

If you read this and want to communicate, please do!

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A Poem by HayleeJae on Mon Dec 07, 2015 1:47 pm
I wrote this before my diagnosis, before my first realization of a blackout. It means a lot more to me now than when I wrote it!

Bendy-Brained

I scratch the surface of my scalp,
That's what makes the words come out.
Leaky parts inside my head,
The thoughts pool up
They slosh about.
So mixed with normal, all the bad,
I've lost what train of thought I had.
Can't think straight,
How will I know
When other senses start to go?

Poor sloshy head,
Poor twisty words,
Poor whoever ends up me.
Won't be the same without me here.
It might, in fact,
Not even be.

That must be where the beauty lies,
In making someone's skin so thin.
We have to know just who we are,
Or lose ourselves to things within.
I'd rather not, but then again,
It's not the going
It's the been.

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