I am a male and at an age so young I cant remember, my brother introduced me to masturbation. That went on secretly. When 5th or 6th grade came along and one of my male friends asked if I wanted to masturbate with him. I had to know it was wrong but did it anyway. Then another friend. When those friends moved away I was left to flounder from there. I knew I liked girls and remember having a few girl friends in junior high. I did seem to have to attraction to males always "haunting" me. I stumbled through high school without a girl friend. I think more because i was not with the in crowd more than because I didn't want one. Masturbating probably held those desires back. My brother did continue to expose me to sex going as far as oral sex. He ended up hanging himself after moving away. I think he continued doing things he shouldn't and either was about to be caught or could not live with himself anymore. These events seemed to be in my life through the most important development period of my life. Anyway I ended up getting married and had 2 daughters now grown. At 51 I still have the male desire and really wish I knew why. Was it because of what i was exposed to or am I bi or gay? I deal with depression and keep wondering how it would have been to have my innocents growing up. How would I have developed without sex literally being jammed down my throat. I have told my wife but recently discussed it is still haunting me. Struggling through life just doesn't seem fair.

I have had my confidence betrayed in a huge way and it is no longer safe for me to blog in an open forum

I am really sad about this and also upset that my privacy as well as freedom of speech have been invaded.

Thank you all for reading my blog, I appreciate it very much

Huge hugs

Cracked

I can be really not very nice at times and I feel awful about it. Plus my head wont stop racing and I am hearing things. My meds have been fiddled with so hopefully things will settle shortly but it does not change much. I need to have a good think about things and figure out where I am going wrong with my behaviour esp when my mood is off as it is far from ideal. This blog is mainly a reminder to myself of how I feel atm and how it is important for me to think about this after I have had a bit of a sleep and am more refreshed in the morning.

Hugs to all

Cracked

Dealing with ATOS/DWP

An Example

Get letter in the mail with a questionnaire telling me I am on a benefit I am not on and telling me I need to fill in a questionnaire to be switched over to the benefit I am on and if I dont do it I will lose my benefit.
Call DWP to ask what they mean by this as it is very confusing and get told that the letter is a standard letter they send out to everyone.
Ask why the facts in the letter are not correct and get told that they only have my word for that and that the letter is a standard letter they send out to everyone.
Tell them I will be unable to get the form done by their deadline and they say they will put a note on my records saying that I am waiting for my support worker in order to complete the form and that this is fine and not to worry.
Get threatening letter in the post telling me my benefits will be stopped for not filling in the form on time
Call number on letter and wait for 20 mins to speak to someone
Get told I have called the wrong number
Manage to get them to not hang up and give me another number
Call other number
Wait 20 mins to speak to someone
Explain the situation to them
Have them look up my records and confirm the note is on them
Ask why I have received a threatening letter
Get told this is a standard letter they send out to everyone



Cracked

I really like someone. They are really amazing. I am not like this usually at all but I have become all mushy.

It is early days and things are complicated but I do like them a lot.

I have that butterfly feeling.

Well time will tell.

I know I am putting myself at risk of being hurt but I think I would rather experience feeling like this and then getting hurt than not feeling like this at all.

Hugs to all

Cracked