I really don’t have any logical explanation for what I’m about to type in this entry. But I’ve been loving every bit of my boyfriendish’s company. He’s been getting quite a bit more daring, you could say. He wraps his arm around me to draw me in close and I allow it. I allow it because I love feeling his body against mind. The other night, we were at my family park for the first time since we were dating. It was just the two of us and we stayed there until dark. We had a bonfire lit and while sitting together, he went and pulled me close and I just leaned into him. We stayed like that for a good 20 minutes or so before we both decided to call it a night. But I loved every moment of it.
He’s also taken to playing with my navel piercing again. It all started with him putting his hand on my waist at first. Then over time, he slowly started inching further and further around my waist, closer to my midsection every time. Until one night, his hand eventually found my piercing. Once he came in contact with it, he actually asked me “I’m not out of line, am I?” I smiled in part because I felt he would’ve known if he was since I would have spoken up. I answered “Of course not.” Him playing with my piercing has become a regular thing again. It’s such a weird quirk of his, but I guess I’m weird too because I still love that he does that.
This last one happened just tonight - just a couple hours from the time I’m posting this. Again, we were at my family park, just him and me. It’s finally been getting hot in our area again. I have thick hair, so my scalp tends to feel very hot during the Summer. So much, that I’ve gotten my hair cut short for the summertime because it gets so unbearable. When he and I were still together, though, I’d never cut my hair because he would always run his fingers through my hair, filtering cool air through my scalp and providing me with just the relief I needed. Tonight, while we were together, I asked him if he could do that again because my head started feeling so hot once more. He happily obliged me and it felt so good and relaxing… I didn’t realize how much I had missed it.
I know what’s probably the first thought upon reading all of this: I’m in love with him all over again. I would hope whoever may have been reading my blog entries would know by now that I might have my issues, but I never have any delusions about how I feel. I have given this plenty of thought too, and I can safely say that no, I am not in love with this man. But I do care for him. I care for him very much. If he died tomorrow, I would be devastated. Extreme, I know, but just putting things into perspective. I love him. I can comfortably say that much. But I’m not in love with him. I almost wish I could say that I am, for reasons I’ll elaborate on shortly, but I can’t say that truthfully.
Am I in love with him touching me? Yes, I am. Very much so. I love every bit of him putting his hands on me so much, if he wanted to make a move for an area like my breasts, I’m not so sure I would want to stop him. Do you find that confusing? If so, then you and I are in the same boat. If I really love him touching me, but have no romantic feelings for him, does this mean that I only feel lust for him? But lust, by definition, is feeling strong sexual desires, and I still don’t feel that at all. I don’t want to have sex with him. I don’t get sexually aroused by him touching me, I just enjoy it because I feels pleasant. Then what in the hell even is this relationship we have? What the hell even is this feeling I have?
This is where what I said in my first sentence in this entry comes in: I have no good explanation for this. All I can say is that I enjoy his company a great deal and I love him touching me in the ways he does even more. I really wish I could say I’ve fallen in love with him and we’ve become romantically involved again, just because that would be much easier to explain and believe than this! But again, I can’t say that because it wou...
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