I was so scared about seeing my therapist today after the text that I was awake at 2. She reassured me about it but I could not seem to get engaged and she picked up on it and commented on it and now I feel like I have failed somehow. Like I want to be a good client and I was not today.

It improved after we did a visualisation which I think explained why I was feeling so out of it to do with stuff that happened to me but then the session was over. She said I seemed a lot better after that.

I texted her to apologise but feel bad. It has messed with my head. She also said I seemed sad and distant.

Maybe I should go to sleep and forget about this for a while but that is not good. I think I am stuck in child mode. I am not sure. I just feel weird.

Sorry I thought blogging this would help but it is probably just a pile of waffle and I am still thinking about it - prob because I am censoring myself, never good.

Now the question is what can I do to distract myself? Perhaps go to the shops and hoover? Or the washing up. Or go to sleep. Hmmm.

Anyhow hope all are OK.

Thinking of you - I am going to do something useful and stop feeling sorry for myself.

Cracked

Ever since I can remember I have felt fat and ugly. My therapist says this is due to the abuse making me feel this way. Being on meds that made me gain weight has not helped and I have had a long battle with ED too.

Ppl compliment me and I do not really believe them and think they are being polite when really they think I am fat and ugly and ppl who do not know me IRL compliment me and say that they bet I am pretty but I find myself thinking little do you know...

The question is why do I care as I should not be so shallow but I feel like I am worthless because I am fat and ugly and this is not right. I am smart, I am kind, I have a good personality so why is my esteem so low. Probably more legacy of abuse I guess.

Not sure why I am blogging this. There is a lot on my mind about abuse atm and this came out first.

Take care all

Cracked

Dont read this if you dont want to read about someone feeling sorry for themselves.

I am in a really rubbish position atm.

I am low and feeling awful with suicidal thoughts at times and some very risky plans

When I tell ppl about the risky plans I get home treatment team and it goes in my notes

My psych uses my notes to write reports for the GMC and to inform my GMC supervisor who also advises the GMC and tells me if I can work or not (not atm).

If things get worse with the GMC it could go to a fitness to practise panel hearing where I could be suspended or struck off potentially.

My family value me for my job a great deal and I feel like a failure, goodness knows what would happen if I got struck off.

If I bring up the issue of drug addiction it will go in my notes and then the GMC will become involved.

My psych does not like my therapist and thinks in addition to BP I have BPD and I need to see PD services instead. If I go I lose my trusted therapist and the GMC take a very dim view on PD. However they also take a dim view on me ignoring my psych's advice.

I dont know if I have included everything but these are some of the issues I am currently dealing with. Things would certainly be a lot easier without the GMC.

Hope all are OK

Hugs

Cracked

For the past couple of days I have felt totally out of it. I am not sure exactly why but it may be to do with bad news. Whatever it is it is very weird and not that pleasant. I had an art therapy assessment today and was sent home early as she did not think I was in the right place mentally to be doing it

Had a really lovely time with masq tho - she is totally lovely and such a good friend.

Not much to say atm as feeling really out of it but wanted to touch base and say hi.

Hope you are all well

Huge hugs

Cracked

It looks like this is the only way to post on the blog atm. Your positivity radiates all the way to Australia ... I had to lower my anti-depressants while I was having pleasant events as I was becoming manic. When I started having upsetting events I upped my seroquel and my anti-depressants. I know what you mean about appetite - I'm a little piggy atm! It is ending contact with my ex which has hurt me the most. He was quite aggressive which I wasn't expecting - as if me leaving a love triangle when he chose the other woman that I didn't know about was somehow unjustified. I was surprised with his level of anger but I held my own with him. I was silly though I responded to an email he sent me and expected a reply which didn't come, so now my BPD is activated. Grrr... I made the right decision... Once I get through this time of grief, I will be free to enjoy just my own problems, not be devastated by his issues. Sorry for being so negative LW