The support group for Maladaptive Daydreaming, through no fault of any one member, is very depressing. Mostly people tell stories of being laughed at or dismissed by doctors and psychs. If they have the courage to talk about it. Which I don't. And of not being able to talk to family or friends because it is a "made up" issue that no-one's ever heard of. It's shameful, not to have control of your own brain and time. To be very lost in a world made by someone else. Recent admissions have included Naruto, Hogwarts, Middle Earth and Twenties Hollywood. Even where people are creating their own world, it's so overwhelming it becomes corrosive to Reality.

A few people are aggressive about their own solutions. "Just get a better life and you won't need to daydream." "Just learn to meditate like a Bodhisattva and you won't need to daydream." "Just accept the daydreams, they're inspiring." No. They're wasting my life as surely as if I had a crack habit. There is no rehab when your own brain supplies the crack. I can't get a better life while I'm swallowed up in it. And if I had the willpower to meditate on a beneficially regular basis, I probably wouldn't need to.

Are they a habit that we can train ourselves out of? An addiction that we could 12 step away from? A brain-f-up that needs medication? How can I fix something I don't understand the mode of action of? And by myself.

I keep thinking I have some of the answers. There have been times that I've stopped over the last 20 years. But none of them work consistently enough to say "this is it for me." Different things work at different times. And then I lose 6 weeks of a perfectly good year because nothing works. I don't want this to be my life. And that feeling is one more trigger. It's almost funny.

It still gets to me sometimes, of course it does. The shame and guilt I feel over being molested despite knowing by all rights, I shouldn’t be at fault for anything. But no matter how much reassurance I get or how logically I try to think on it, I just can’t help but feel ashamed living with the fact that I enjoyed being molested by my father.

One thing that really gets to me is how I don’t like sex now that I’m an adult. Like I said in my previous entry, even if I may enjoy it to a point, but I can live without it just fine. I did before, in a sense. When my dad would molest me. Sickening as it is, but I don’t like saying it anymore than one might like to read it. I know I couldn’t have helped that my sexuality had been awakened unnaturally and sooner than it should have been, but I just hate that it happened.

I believe my sexuality wasn’t just awakened prematurely, but it was used up completely as well, for lack of a better way of saying it. My father molested me so many times, almost each time through oral sex, which they say is the most stimulating form of sexual activity. Each time, I experienced an orgasm, which is times beyond counting. It probably isn’t any coincidence that I now don’t care for the feelings of sexual pleasure any longer.

I wish I could say it was because I’ve been traumatized into not enjoying sex any longer after having been molested. That could be part of the reason and maybe I would believe it was the full reasons if I hadn’t enjoyed being molested at all. But I enjoyed it for more years than when I stopped enjoying it. I’ve said this before, but my dad would play it off like he was doing something special for me, when all he was really doing was taking things from me.

I know I should only be mad at him for what he did to me, but every time I look back on my younger self getting off on him molesting me, I just cringe at myself so much, the shame just overrules any logical thinking. I’ve heard it all, very sound explanations and reasonings on why I was 100% at fault, all of which I agree with. I may be able to look back and say “It wasn’t my fault,” momentarily, but the guilty feelings always come back.

I may never overcome it. But maybe that’s just how it has to be. If one never truly just gets over their childhood trauma, maybe living with the guilt just comes with mine.

Why should I continually push back my mental health issues for someone else? I stuff my feelings cause I will be told to shut up if I talk about how I feel. My feelings do not matter. My mental health has got so much better over the last few years. Ive been constantly telling myself PICK BETTER FEELINGS PICK BETTER THOUGHTS. Apparently my ability to rangle my mind into changing its thoughts to positive stuff proves to him I am not a person with mental illness. I have been ###$ from age 3 on up by my father who had to cut or burn me before making me FEEL better. By age 10 my big brouther took over for him. My teen years were in a foster home. I have been raped and abused most all my life. As an adult my little brother popped out of my bathroom naked wanting his sister. Mental problems are HUGE and I have a bad problem staying present specially during movies. All I can think is how all movies apply to what I feel and have lived. My mother still blames me for what my father did but forgave him. After all when I was 3 I was so into sex..yeah mom sure thing..all me at age 3.
I push myself to get better and I am actually faulted for doing so. I think he would rather have me sick. I think that cause the better I get the more he pulls away. The more he yells and criticizes me. I feel like I should just let my demons win..he might be happier.

New here. But I like this. Disconnected from Facebook and all that nonsense. Might be a fun place to chat with others like me.
Beep.

Sometimes, if I feel anxious or depressed, I turn to music.I am passionate about music and music production over the years.There are some songs which I know will take me away - they are so well composed that you cannot help but let them fill your mind.I recommend wearing headphones, that way you can hear bass lines and nuances you may miss without. What are your 'perfect songs'

New Order - Blue Monday
[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FYH8DsU2WCk[/url]



Donna Summer I Feel Love Original 8 minute 12" version 1977
[url] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B2qI6UDD2uQ [/url]


Bill Withers - Lovely Day (Original Version)

[url] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYi7uEvEEmk&index=54&list=FLQoMm-L1jkWVSVADCpZ95_A[/url]


The Sugar Hill Gang - Rapper's Delight ( HQ, Full Version )

[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKTUAESacQM[/url]


Off the Wall Live 1979 HD

Whatever you think of MJ. He could perform. And those pants are so freaking cool.
[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S11eGmzM-4E&list=FLQoMm-L1jkWVSVADCpZ95_A&index=67[/url]


Johnny Cash - Folsom Prison Blues - Live at San Quentin (Good sound quality)
[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wG0fS4DoGUc[/url]

Think about when and where this was recorded, the equipment would have been minimal, yet the quality of this recording and the energy of the crowd.....well if it doesn't give you goosebumps, you aren't letting yourself listen properly!


David Bowie - Ashes To Ashes

[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMThz7eQ6K0[/url]

Massive Attack - Teardrop
[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u7K72X4eo_s[/url]