I have to be grateful for the things that are happening…
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I have to work with God to imagine I have plenty of new women and what those women act like… technically I have the recovery people and windows with the women that are in the meetings… SO. Ill work on that…
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Simply meaning; I learn to be myself; my real self around in certain meetings; I tell the truth; Soon people know me as I am. Im no more then that… and thats who I am.
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Ive been doing this lately… and its wonderful; Im really in the right places for the next level of my recovery.
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WOMEN?
Not at the meetings; Simply because they are not responding to me. Ive met some but they don’t want me. So… I mean…
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So; Im working with God and well; the meetings in general are working great; as for women; Well; God has to prepare me for outside the meetings into the real world where I have no experience.
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As for women in the meetings that work for me; Ill continue to appreciate everyone that is there in general because they are all helping me in my recovery; but the women are not accessible for me; They are not interested in me. I mean nothing to them; they see nothing in me… Im of no concern to them or interest.
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So; I assume that means God has plans for me outside the meetings to meet women. And so; the meetings Im in right now are preparing me for the outside world; to be myself. Im learning to be myself around others; this starts with a slow process of telling people who I am; who I want to be; and who I am not.
The part of “ Who I am not”; is working very well for me.
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Car and God;
I saw this car; but It feels right; but I don’t have a go-ahead from God; and if God and my inner being are not backing it up; Im not moving; Im not budging. I wont.. God has to prove himself or no movement.
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I am learning something about God; Dont throw away the opportunity with God; Give God a chance. Give God a chance to prove himself. But don’t let God off the hook. God has to come through; like a Father to a son… Or; No GO!
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And its more then a Father to a son; The the creator the universe to one of Gods creations that cries out for his help.
Why was I born if God is not going to even protect me while Im here… That says even the universe doesn’t want me; Why should I stay here. So; I look at God and say prove it; “ GOD! You didn’t protect me when I was a child; you let me die”; Why should I even attempt to trust you at all; What is the difference between you and Satan; You both want me Dead! Whats the point!
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Prove it first God; Or no GO!
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However; I do not make excuses to move on from God; Now I stick arround and work with God to prove; Let God have a chance…
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If I walk away from God; that is a secret excuse for me to go back into a carnal world where there is no God and live; Ive done that before; that did not work; there is no power without God.
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Ill stay with God; Keep praying but expect nothing until it shows up; Im only with God for only one reason; its not because I like God or feel safe with God or trust God; I DONT! But God has the power; and this power keeps me safe.
Its not that I don’t love the concept of God and Like God and care about God and love God; But God does not love me. Their is more to life and no life just because Im on this planet with or without power. Either way; they do not equate to a life I have asked God for…
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I ask God for a life; I expect to get it. Or at-least a sign God is sending me into the right direction for it.
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God is like a power; I ask God for food so God prepares me and then sends me into the land of supposed food. Im on the journey and the marks to the journey of supposed food within the land of food; and once in a while are markers to show Im going in the right direction; But after awhile theirs still no food.
When I finally get to where this might be food; Im told I have to p...

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Strange thing happened tonight…
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I was in a meeting and a women across from me in the meeting; someone Ive seen before; she was sitting up against the wall across from me. It was not a nice scene; it was competitive and stressful. Many times Ive seen women weaponize this situation. If I look up simply to look up from my angle; Ive got that women right direction in front of me on the opposite wall; Suddenly she starts to squirm as if shes being visually taken advantage of. Ive seen it 1000000000 times. Nothing new… And it was happening again this time. Its like shes not safe; shes got a needy hovering guy checking her out or something; someone who doesn’t have a chance with her. When in reality; non of us guys have any other place to look.. We lift our heads and their she is before we can dart one way or the other…
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I finally gave up and just looked at that floor or to the sides or took my writing note book in and wrote instead of looking around…
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I LEARNED SOMETHING TONIGHT….
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Its getting very close; I don’t have to take my romantic problems to anyone accept God; I don’t have to expect anything from these strangers at a meeting; I can for go all of them and just take myself and my goals to God and bi pass all of this.
And that is what Ive been working for concerning this goal of relationship. I used the groups therapeutically; working through my stuff; until I didn’t need them for it anymore; it all gets switched to God. I began to get enough skills learned on my own to stand on my own 2 feet and go after what I want; I turn to God and my success based thinking information Ive been studying for several years. I still go to the meetings; but don’t need the meetings anymore to help support this process Im learning about the beginning processes of getting back into relationship at this point in my life. And has this happened? No! Not yet; But tonight surprised me; I actually felt it. Heck with these people in these meetings. Im strong enough now to simply take it all to God and work with God directly; And that was the message I was getting from God.. Im getting close… I didn’t expect that tonight. I never saw it coming…
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Im still working through issues concerning relationships.
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In my life when young; I was completely devoid of reality or being part of it; but I was attracting massive women from everywhere. But because it was all physical. I never really learned how to go after the right girl for a relationship.
I was inundated with massive amount of beautiful women… The best looking women in town… but non of it did me any good. I had nothing in common with these people; I was lonely the whole time. Finally I just gave up. I didn’t care anymore; I gave up on the whole idea of having any relationship with anyone… I just walked away and never returned. Anytime I saw a beautiful women I just about puked. I didn’t want them within 100 miles me. I simply didn’t want anything more to do with the dating or romance process in my country… Nothing made any sense…
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The first girl I attempted to like; I was destroyed.. it was like I had my arms bit off. Nothing made any sense…
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I got know where because I did not want to date any of these people; They horrified me… it was unbelievable.
I just gave up and never came back.
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TO THE PRESENT:
After being in the recovery process; God said to me. “ Omnicell”; If you would stop dating those kind of women all of these problems with them will stop! This hit me hard. I never saw this from that perspective.
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But the most important perspective God was trying to give me; If I didn’t attract those kind of women; What then would I do now? I would be just like everyone else who had to learn how to go out and find a girlfriend; Some girl that was my best friend; Thats an inside job; thats not about her looks; thats about who she is on the inside; Finding someone that actually liked me val...

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The new step with God concerning dating….
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Dear God; show me how to interact with the people you are sending; How to meet them…
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This means; I go somewhere and show up and out of a crowd of people or something; or I meet someone randomly or through a friend; maybe its someones sister or something…
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Its learning all the preparation of meeting someone.
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This is truly the next step.
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Certainly Ive studied such techniques through books n websites for years; This is something different; this is from Gods perspective… This is real world. Into the real world I go…
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Ill be learning how to handle the real world… until I find those people God is sending me…
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Ive noticed 2 kinds of people; Asian Girls or Quaker girls… That seems to be who shows up. Thats literally who has shown up… But Im to bashful to say hello or take it any further… I wouldn't the slightest how to take it any further.
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Its more like I see these people but they are not accessible. I would have to meet them through a friend or at a party or something… Ill work with God on these things.
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How would I know who to call or ask out. What about age. Im an old man. Any old man will always feel comfortable thinking they can go out with younger women. But they cant or they are dreaming; will be led on and dumped by those younger women; But who knows.
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These are the chances I have to prepare for…
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Sometimes I feel this is ridiculous; Like Im just way to old for any of this. To attract anyone; but the other day at the Post Office some chick was checking me out….
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I have to learn to give God a chance with me in these situations. Its so heart rendering; so much horror and damage from all of this when young. I stopped dating before I started; never got involved again after the first girl I loved; realized I meant nothing to her and I was being played. I don’t like to admit it but its true. This was happening because this was the wrong person to associate with. But no one could tell me. I knew everything. I was horribly insecure and needy; I had no love and was thrown away… but the world did not care; No one did. I had no friends; nothing.
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This one girl I called and wanted to take an interest had no interest in me. I think I was around just for her kicks for a few months; she had no real other prospects yet and just kind of let me hang around; but I meant nothing to her… no respect for me; just contempt and little if no attraction; nothing… I had the unfortunate concept of thinking I could help her because she was not loved. Unfortunately I did not know what I was talking about. She was just fine. I was the one that needed to be loved; not this person; and I will pay for my folly of finding myself at the wrong house with the wrong people.
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I was no longer interested in ever getting involved with women ever again. I had seen to much… They were horrible people. Monsters… I had no idea… They were like criminals. Godless… Even those claiming to be involved with God; Nothing; just a show or a front. These people were not safe!
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Now I seek my very first girlfriend.
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When I was 14; This First girl I met Ive described above was suppose to be my first girlfriend; Never turned out. I never got anywhere… she was not interested in someone like me. I was crushed and heart broken. No matter what I did or how hard I tried; she simply made it clear she could get better… And hopeless I finally gave up and just dropped out and went away.
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Now; under God; Ill see what can happen. See What God wants for me… I just wanted a wife; a girlfriend that turns into a wife; thats all I ever wanted. I still believe. The problem has been; Wrong people…
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So; Ill be working with God on this concept of leaving the wrong people alone and concentrating on the right ones.
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This is by far the worst type of thing to go through; its just horrible…. Having to go throu...

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New story…
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In the meetings today. A women I know of; not very well; she is interesting and attractive. I have talked to her before. I maybe had someone interest in her; but that was short lived. Something wrong with her.
Every time I share; I can hear her tone of voice after Ive finished sharing; its like someone who is putting me down or doesn’t take me seriously… I didn’t get it at first; her strange aloof behavior around me. Now I don’t care.
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Im beginning to get it; She a weirdo… And Im ouda here…
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Ive began to get allot of anxiety from Anxiety Disorder… Why? Im growing and changing; Im wanting to break through the glass bubble I live in and come through the denationalization’l dome I live in; break on through to the other side. Well; its been happening; slowly pushing and moving forward going beyond my bounds… over n over; weakening the Denationalization. In addition; Ive been creating a new life outside the dome… I am a new plant that sprouted; a rutabaga ready to dance… and be about the shrub brush; moving from the shrub brush to the beach; catching a ride on a log across the channel to a new life…
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I just got a little closer; right up to the edge… And with the commitments Ill keep with my accountability people; ( I believe Im ready); Ill be making some small moving waves out from the beach; a few feet into the water; pushing on that bubble I live in; stretching that thing really far this time. Ill be doing some new things; things that require responsibility and stability and commitment. And it looks like Ive got a plan and Ive prayed about it and Im serious.
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The anxiety disorder; some forms of this come from PTSD; Long term CPTSD; and thus; Ill be re walking down the past ruins of a childs broken life… and through that; reliving that pain and terror and horror; and come out the other side. I really don’t want to face or feel the humiliation or degradation of my life again where I was under seige and without any control over my life from perpetrators.
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So; I have to keep to my pathways under God; Just keep to the plan and thoroughly learn how to build skills until Im good at them and complete at them; meaning; completing them thoroughly. I think this can happen; I just need to go very slowly through some of it. It triggers the most deepest of wounds… Its hard even talking about it.
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Back to the story;
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The women at the meetings; Something told me something was wrong with this person when I met them or talked to them for the first time. I had ignored the person for a year I think on purpose; I just saw now need or reason to associate with them…
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She is very attractive girl; but that doesn’t really mean anything…
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lately; around her and a bit in the past being around her; I do not like her; I don’t like what I hear and I don’t like the way she treats me; taking me for granted; I can hear it in her tone of voice; as if Im an object she is sizing up; and she is sizing up that object much much lower then what I actually am. Im almost getting the position that she sees me as disposable and weak.
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The problem is; Im not her object to be doing anything with! Thats the problem; Who cares what she thinks of me; Im ouda here. Meaning; Ill drop her as any contact immediately; and I did and I am.
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WHY IS ALL OF THIS IMPORTANT: WHAT IS THE IMPORTANT POINT;
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The importance of this action to drop this person from my roaster; is; Im worth more then to be treated this way by anyone; its a red flag to get out of there… say goodbye to this person even tho I hardly know them. I don’t know them at all.
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The way I jumped away from the person and don’t care; Like; its doesn’t matter at all; God will send me to a thousand other people who do respect me; I don’t even need to be under this persons umbrella. Its ridiculous.
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I don’t need to be part of anything like that from anyone…
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The important as...

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Confidence;
What does it mean…. ?
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Confidence is the sauce God has grabbed my attention with; For it is the gold Im looking to collect for the purpose of a girlfriend.
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Ive gotten to 2 areas; First; The confidence of consistency; What does that mean; Lets say Im walking down the isle of a Grocery store; I see a cute girl; She suddenly looks up at me and smiles; she smiles like she is attracted to me; Suddenly I get mad; and turn my head and feel scared; Why? NO CONFIDENCE at that consistent level. I need practice with people that I feel are cute and they like me. I need practice talking to them and walking up to them and saying hi and smiling while their attracted to me…. This kind of confidence is what I call consistency confidence. It means; at the frequency Im locally at; at the moment; and the girls I attract at this moment; I can consistantly confidently smile strait at them regardless of what or how their looking at me. I can walk right up when their attracted to me. I don’t have to go shy or bashful in front of them; That gets worked out through brutal amount of practice with others that gains confidence at an alarmingly strong level at that frequency.
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Frequency Confidence; What does this mean; It means; basically; Ill need the frequency to rise to a much higher level to attract much higher level people of what ever qualities Im looking for.
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I must match their frequency or Ill never meet them.
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Whats the difference between a cute poor girl and a cute rich girl. Only monetary frequency. If Im hanging out with rich people and Im at their frequency; Ill be able to date their women… First; I have to get to their frequency to be invited or even seen by them.
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What this means; My frequency goes from the level its at right now; and significantly rises.. Thus; I have to learn how to do this; it means becoming confidence at a much higher level within society.
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What are my advantages right now?
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First; I have an advantage most in my situation don’t have;
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I have;
A Built Foundation already established in a new universe of self; its a confidence developing ability established foundation.
I do not need someone for co dependency… I have an “ already” established Generator that creates confidence. Now; All I have to do is get more experience; that experience is sent to the generator and that Generator builds confidence I can apply out in the real world..
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This confidence Generator stores confidence built information; it holds it; stores it; and then with new confidence information; takes all the presiding confidence information and builds on it; creating a new more developed and stronger established confidence to meet a stronger need or to be more consistent.
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Most people Ive met do not have this; they have a false sense of confidence. Its contrived survival defense mechanism to make up for not having any real confidence… This can take many forms…
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In my case; I have a new authentic Confidence generator within myself already established and built; earned through years of adjusted research development and hard labor collecting the materials and facing the obstacles . I do not need anything from the outside; I have this generator. All I have to do is feed it new information through experience and it will do the rest; It will develop stronger levels of confidence.
It will develop consistency confidence over time if that is what I want to build with it.
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Frequency Confidence…; I know what it is; Ive been told vaguely how to develop it; but I do not know how to go from one level up to another; I know generally but not specifically with experience confidence.
I have risen in frequency; But I cant just snap my fingers; suddenly within 2 weeks; a planned higher level frequency of living is suddenly upon me; Well; Im not that good at this. Im kind of a beginner at this level of spiritual success development.
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Fr...

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