First part of the story:


Confusing summer continued

The confusing summer continued and it did not get better. I was allowed by the university to rewrite the exam that I failed and I had about two months to prepare for it. I continued working as a research assistant for a professor and I was supposed to be doing my own research since I was a graduate student but this task I found extremely difficult. I felt that a part of my mind which was responsible for creativity evaporated and I could not come up with any ideas myself, I could only follow clearly outlined instructions. I also became very indecisive and for anything that I was going to do, I required a confirmation from another person. Some part of my brain clearly started to malfunction because previously I was able to write academic papers, organize camping trips, participate in a band. Now I could not write even a paragraph about my research, I would just sit and stare at the screen, not able to extract any continuous thoughts from my mind. I was very uncertain of what I should be doing everyday and I would refer to my boyfriend for any decision – ‘what should I do in the evening?’, ‘should I continue with the graduate program?’, ‘should I call my friend to make plans?’.

My boyfriend and my parents could see that I was quite stressed about not having any ideas for research and not being able to decide whether to continue with grad school. Me and my boyfriend took some trips to national parks during the summer in order for me to de-stress, and usually I would really enjoy camping and hiking, but these times it was different. Trips became for me too emotionally overwhelming. A view of a lake from a lookout point would bring me to tears as I would think how meaningless the beauty of this was. We were just pieces of organic tissue clumped together, soon we would cease to exist and none of our experiences mattered. What was the point of having a camping experience if once you no longer exist you will have no memory of it? During the hike several times I had this dissociative experience where I would feel that the event is not happening right now but it was happened already in the past. As if you would watch an old video of your family or someone you know and maybe who was no longer alive. I could not enjoy the moment because I did not feel that I was in the current moment, I felt sadness and nostalgia for a time that had already passed.

All these psychological experiences were on top of the physical symptoms. Since I did not have courses during the summer I did not have to wake up early and there were many days where I could not get out of bed until 2 PM. I experienced extreme fatigue and muscle aches, my body felt very heavy and it was difficult to move around, I often had shortness of breath. My eyelids were swollen and I felt pressure at the top of my head, it was often difficult to look up or look straight. There were also frequent migraines and brain fog. It was as if I was getting detached from my body and my brain – I having difficulty controlling the movements of the body and processing thoughts. My consciousness was clouded and I could not get out of the fog.

I ended up leaving the graduate program as I could not see myself continuing with more courses, exams and a thesis. At the moment when I left I was not very upset about that because in my mind I had an explanation that my symptoms were sort of there as a message that I was not going the right way with my life. I guess my mind was looking for an easy solution or it was trying to make sense of the situation. It’s very difficult for a broken brain to realize its own sickness, especially if its the first time. After I already got diagnosed and connected with many other autoimmune encephalitis patients, I noticed that those who were diagnosed at an older age were more proactive about their health. Before the onset of the symptoms in my early twenties, I have probably visited a doctor only three times since I cam...

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i have been going through this for so long ever since i was a child and it has only recently become harmful. my symptoms are Felling sad,no hope,irritated all the time,no energy,hard to concentrate,hard to remember things,lost interest in everyday activities,feelings of emptiness and worthlessness,guilt,despair,feeling pessimistic always,self doubt,horrible thoughts,loss of appetite,difficulties sleeping,waking up early (every morning every few hours),suicidal thoughts (attempted suicides- cutting,overdosing,burning etc.,feeling really happy then mood drops to depressive,talking fast,full of energy,feeling self important,full of great ideas and important plans,easily distracted,very very easily irritated or agitated,choosing not to eat,making decisions or saying things that are out of character and others see as being risky or harmful,not wanting to talk,locking myself away in my bedroom,using alcohol to cope,feeling of giving up, feeling forced to hurt myself but I don’t want to but I can’t stop myself,panic attack’s,chest pains,anxiety. i need answers i have been to the doctors and they refuse to help i need answers. my mum has bipolar and she told me its possible i could be but no ones telling me if i am i need answers.

I am so depressed... and it has never been so weird to cry as it is now for me. When I cry I can't breathe, literally I can't breathe half the time since finding out about my brother. My airway keeps getting blocked up whether I am crying or not, but most asuredly it blocks up when I cry. crying for this is not just coming from around my heart in my chest, it come from clear down to my belly button and stomach and up, it is awful crying. It HURTS. I can't cry enough. When I am trying to pretend m y life is not real I feel like I am not honoring my situation and what it calls for- a whole lot of friggin crying. It's like my situation doesn't deserve to cry for when I don't cry, when I do cry i feel once again like I will never stop crying not ever over this.
crying for my brother screwing up, crying bc someone hurt him when he was little and I was so damn stupid somehow I missed it HOW DID I MISS IT? what was wrong with me? how could I have not seen it was going on? how did I not know someone was thinking about hurting him? how did I not know when they were looking at him and plotting to do something bad???? whyyyyyy what is wrong with me how did I not protect him? stupid stupid stupid me, lousy sister so unforgivably clueless stupid me. I was always supposed to protect him, always keep him safe, my job was to be responsible for him always, and I failed. I failed so horribly bbad that now he has screwed up my nephew's life, he has screwed up his family, his marriage, his love, his child, his family unit is destroyed and his life is destroyed. They are going to take away his life by sentencing him to life in prison. I want to throw up again. I want to hurt myself for not stopping everything from happening when he was being hurt by someone??? when we were little at some given point and time. i don't know who did it, just someone did, and i wasn't there to stop it. i didn't protect him, i screwed up, and by not stopping them from hurting my brother, he has ruined his life, so isn't that i ruined it by not figuring it out way back then? 30 years, they want to plea out for him 30 years, basically his life up til now, that same amount of time over in prison, half of his life right now again in a cage for wild, untrustworthy, sickos. he said everything, every feeling or thought he ever had he went bonkers and said everything and anything, and no lawyer protected him or told him what to do. my grandma is the only one who knows how these things are suppose to go, and she is right, it should never have happened the way it did, his lawyer should have been called in, a court appointed lawyer, should have been there from the start for him to tell him to shut his mouth at some point. now they want to throw away the key, 30 years means he will not most likely see our parents on the outside when he gets out, unless they live to be over 100, and i hope they do...
i want to die with them, i don't want to be alone... i have no one after my parents, ... that sends things through my heart hard.... and tears well up again
his tiny son will be his age now in 30 years. his wife will have disappeared, and most likely so his son. he not only screwed up his life, he screwed up ours as well..... dad believes all ready that she will remaryy and never talk to us again, and in so doing this, she most likely will keep baby hidden and far away from us as well bc of what my brother did, we will also pay dearly for what he did.
we have reached out to her, shown her love, we truly care about her and baby, we want to be here for both of them, anything they need at all, we want to be their family, we want to be there for them any way they let us, our hearts and thoughts are truly with them a million percent.
i get sick when i eat, i havne't been sleeping, i slept for a few minutes this night and i have been up all the hours of the night other than those few minutes. i have gone upstairs and put together tomorrows dinner, taken care of my pets......

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Hi there everyone,new member here. Basically only created this account to ask this cause I’ve fallen right back into a loop. I’m going to keep this as short as possible cause I really need to get this out I’m just so desperate at the moment. So the thing is I’ve been living with what I hope is pocd for the past 6 months and not a single day goes by where I’m not terrorized by this demon. There are days where I just feel like trash and then other days where I feel pretty good and am able to tell myself that it’s all nonsense and that it doesn’t mean anything about me. It’s getting harder and harder to get rid of these thoughts. What started it was porn,”hentai” to be more specific. On that night I was casually doing the deed and stumbled upon an image that displayed a “loli” character. Regardless of that I continued despite feeling what I was doing was wrong and disgusting. So,in the past 6 months I’ve been constantly asking myself if I’m a P. Whenever I see a kid outside I check if I’m attracted or not,and I should mention that I’m NOT attracted to children..jeez even typing that out makes me nauseous. It’s just that this thing in my head wants to convince me that I am. When I check,it can be accompanied by groinal responses but I don’t pay them much attention anymore since I know that they’re caused by anxiety. I also get intrusive thoughts about engaging in sexual activities with children and every time I get one of those I just cringe. Seriously why do I even have that in my head?? I know that I would never in my life harm a child,I’d rather die than do such thing. What just doesn’t leave me alone is that sometimes I actually feel like I’m sexually attracted to a child when I see one,that just completely freaks me out and I start ruminating and checking until it’s gone or I find a distraction. Last thing,about the “loli” stuff that I mentioned earlier,I forgot to say that in the last 2 months or so I watched “loli hentai” a few times. I don’t know why but it seems to arouse me more than normal porn and it freaks me the hell out!! I don’t know why I do it! I tell myself it’s just to “check” but I’m starting to think that’s not the case!!! Please someone...I don’t wanna be pedophile. I’m hoping that all of this is just pocd messing with me..I’m just tired,mentally exhausted and I can’t keep living like this..it’s complete torture...

I'm currently a high school student and for as long as I can remember I've always gotten anxious whenever I hear or witness arguments or yelling (in an angry manner). Sometimes yelling is fine, as an example if someone is yelling because they're excited, but if I'm having a day where my anxiety is acting up then it will lead me to a panic attack.

When I was younger my parents and my brother would fight all the time, when it would happen I would either be frozen with fear or in my room crying. I have had anxiety my entire life, and the thing that gave me my first real "panic attack" was when my brother and mom were fighting.

Whenever I hear people fight or witness it I go into this zombie-like state where I can't do anything but try not to have a panic attack.

I was explaining this to my mother and she said it sounded like a form of PTSD but part of me says that it's not "severe" enough to be PTSD. My whole life I've been more sensitive to emotions (I'm highly empathetic) and I've always been on the quieter side so I figured it was just me being over-sensitive.

I get the same kind of panic-feeling when I'm in a room and there are multiple sounds happening at once (like people talking over music, multiple conversations happening at once, etc...)

I have no idea why this happens and I just need some kind of reasoning or explanation behind it because I'm kind of stuck.