I am so ######6 angry!!!
At myself, at him, at the world!!!!
At so many people!!!!!!
And I can't release it right now.
Wtf has happened to the world.
Wrf has happened to me.
I'm so angry.
I feel like a complete and utter victim. Because I am one. I'm a victim of so many things. But then I'm angry at myself for feeling like that. I'm angry at myself for being a victim.
I DON'T WANT to be a victim.
I'm so angry!!!!!!
This ######6 world. I don't see the point in being in it anymore.
I feel like fighting. That sounds bad. But I do. I feel like having a massive fight with someone. And I really don't want that. I HATE violence. But I am so angry I feel like I need to smash the $#%^ out of something or someone. Not just anyone. Someone evil. I'd love it to be my evil ex boyfriend but I will probably never get the chance to again.
I'm so so so so so so so angry.
It's not healthy how enraged I am. I don't know what to do with myself.
I don't know how to live.
IM SO ######6 DYSFUCTIONAL. ITS UNREAL. WTF IS THE ACTUAL POINT IN MY EXISTENCE.
IM ######6 PATHETIC!!!!!!!
I'm so ######6 annnnnnnnnnnngggrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Jshsbsjsjsjsbssusjwjejejhdhdeh
RARRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I've tried to run from it...
But I think I have PTSD. as well as all the other $#%^ that's wrong with me.
Right now I'm sat here with hot fear in my body, my heart is beating so fast, I'm panicking even though there is nothing to panic about.
It's how I felt when I was with him. Like my body is remembering. Like it feels it has to be on high alert.
It's horrible and I can't get away from it.
I just want it to stop
I am trying so hard right now not to use my usual unhealthy coping mechanisms but... It's too hard.
I'm so anxious. I have a feeling of dread. I can't sit still.
the anxiety in my chest won't go away
I don't want PTSD. I don't want him to have done this to me. I don't want to deal with it.
But I have been through absolute hell. And I think anyone no matter how strong would develop this if they'd been through what I've been through. But it's not fair
I also have nightmares, almost every night. Of a crazed man coming to kill me, usually with a knife. Sometimes he stabs me multiple times and I try to fight him off whilst getting stabbed and covered in blood. One time I managed to get the knife off him and then I stabbed him to death after he'd already stabbed me. Blood everywhere.
I usually try to run in the bathroom and lock myself in and hold the door but he stabs the door and the knife comes through it.
I try to phone someone but I can't whilst holding the door. Or my phone won't work or I can't press the buttons. It is like a demonic force is in my dream. I wake up screaming and terrified.

I have extreme numbness at times. Although I had this before all this happened. But I have it towards this situation. I have no feelings towards it, I can't connect with it and it's like it never happened. No anger, no sadness nothing. Then all of a sudden I'll feel intense rage. So intense.
I also suffered with that before but this is different. It's like a flashback of sorts. It's like the rage I experienced at a certain point during a time I was with him.
And it makes me feel like a psycho. A true psycho. I have had feelings like this before towards people who have also abused me, but I've never been invalidated by police and mental health staff who were making out I was the crazy abusive one at that time.
I hate them all, they make me feel truly sick.

Writing this has become too much. I feel horrible. I feel sick now and it's all going back inside.

I also have intrusive thoughts. Avoidance. I avoid thinking about the bad times. Cause I don't wana believe they happened. I wana believe it didn't matter. I've also tried to force myself to acknowledge it at times when I feel so numb about it.
Because I don't wana develop PTSD. So I've tried to make myself process it. But I can't.
At times I'll just end up sitting there reliving things and all of a sudden I'll come back into the room and realise what I'd been doing.

I don't want it

Yay. PTSD. Wekcome to my already crazy brain. I'm being assessed by a psychiatrist soon.

I wonder if he/she is actually gunna listen to me.

Cause if this isn't PTSD then I'm not sure what is. I can't diagnose myself of course, I'm not a professional.
But either way, I am mentally scarred. And it makes me have so many different emotions.

I might post in the PTSD forum. But I wanted to write this first. I like getting my thoughts out.

Hello blog,

It's child me again tonight.
I am a baby. I need someone to take care of me.
I'm just a baby and I need lots of cuddles. But I'm all alone. So I will just cuddle my teddy instead.
I wish I had someone to take care of me. I'm all alone and it's really horrible and scary.
Why is there no one to take care of me???
I'm so sad
Everyone leaves me :(
I am going to pretend someone is here holding me and who loves me and is going to keep me safe.

All of a sudden out of the blue I feel incredibly anxious and frightened about my ex boyfriend.
I am psychic. I can pick up on things. But I don't know whether what I am feeling is real or whether it is just pure, random anxiety.
I feel as though something is very very wrong with him. And I am sat here feeling physically sick because of it.
Maybe I'm just reexperiemcing the feelings of fear I often had when I was with him.
It feels like that. It feels how I used to feel when I could sense something bad coming. When I could sense he was going to hurt me, or when I had terrible anxiety about someone killing me or doing something terrible to me.
I feel like he's mad. What if he does something? What if he's planning some way of hurting me?
I want to go back to the police but they were so awful with me.
I don't want to go through any of that again.
I think I should go and seek advice. But I don't want to cause I don't want to talk about it.
Please don't let me be developing PTSD. I can't.
I won't be. This is just random anxiety or picking up on his feelings.
I need to go and speak to someone about this.
I HAVE to.
I have to go seek advice on whether to press charges for all the other awful $#%^. But I know deep down it's not going to amount to anything.
But I want to do it anyway. To prove to myself that I can stand up for what's right despite how bad all the services that were supposed to protect me have treated me.
No matter what the outcome.
I might do it.
But then why, I'd rather forget about it and move on with my life than give him any more attention or thought. I feel as though any time I think of him it's a waste, I already wasted too much time on him I don't want to waste anymore. The best thing I can do is move on, which I have been doing.
But I still feel this is unfinished in my mind. And I'm scared he is going to retaliate in some way.
I feel as though he is going to try and get me into trouble and I don't know what for.
Or he's plotting something evil.
I hope I'm wrong.
I hate the fact he can do this to me. I never even think of him. And then he pops into my mind.
Haunting me. Asshole.
I need to talk to someone about this clearly.

I AM SO ######6 ANGRY I CAN NOT EVEN BEGIN TO EXPLAIN THE LEVEL OF ######6 RAGE I HAVE RIGHT NOW...
###$
RARRFGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I THINK EVERYONE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD IS EVIL.
E V I L!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I . CAN'T. DEAL. WITH. IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM TRYING SO HARD NOT TO SMASH MY ENTIRE HOUSE UP....

ARGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!


I JUST WANT TO SCREAM AND SCREAM AND SCREAM AND SCREAM AND SCREAM AND SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM



AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHJJJHHHHHJJJHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!££!!!!!!!!!!!

HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE


IT'S BURNING MY BODY!!!!!!!!!

Rarrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


Smsndnshsjsjsjejsjsksjs

Help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need to scream and scream and scream and scream !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And scream and scream and SCREAAAAAAAAAAAAMAMMMMMMMMMMM

I NEED GOD. I NEED A MIRACLE!!!!! A MIRACLE!!!!!!!!!!!!