I haven't posted in foreverrrr and I'm sorry. I got a job in June so that took up a lot of my time and focus. At first I was sooo wary of being around males but I reached out to a struggling friend there who happened to be male and it felt really wonderful to be able to make physical contact again without freaking out. I suppose I was overly relieved because our relationship quickly turned sexual and I was perfectly fine during our encounters. Shortly after that, probably a coincidence of timing, I awoke one morning from a hideous migraine feeling like the weight of the world was off my shoulders and life was good again. I was once again a normal, fully-functioning person. Well, as normal as anyone can be. Even my bitter, angry moods were gone except for those days that are just frustrating in and of themselves of course. But the past week or so the depression is creeping back in, I'm thinking about the winter coming up and trying to combat being unemployed for the next several months. But I'll pull through like I have the past few winters. I'm actually hoping to meet someone and get married and have children but I'm still the shy person I always was and I don't even know where to meet someone in the first place.
As for the perpetrator, I checked his facebook on a whim and he's been living in the same town as me and I haven't run into him which is great, I just hope this continues because I've been having a lot of revenge fantasies about possible run-ins and they don't end well.
So basically I'm okay and facing normal fears about the future.

Since my last post I've been pretty much fine. Yesterday and today were slightly less good. Very depressed at times but after my depression has had its moment in the spotlight it steps aside and I feel okay again. Slight anxiety at the store yesterday and considerably more today when I went alone. Then this afternoon I at first thought I had indigestion from eating brownies and tater tots for breakfast but it turned out to be anxiety. At the store I bought heavier dumbbells because I haven't been as motivated to work out or seeing the results I'd like. I have a feeling my self-confidence will rise and with it my good moods will come more naturally, and if nothing else I'll feel more secure and safe in myself as I grow stronger. Hopefully tomorrow I can go back to feeling fine and coasting along through the days. I'd like to do jigsaw puzzles again but last time I experienced a lot of anxiety and obviously I want to avoid that. Maybe I'll make a big pot of tea to go along with them, I'll just have to try it and see. Oh, and I haven't had any more weird dreams, just those two I mentioned over a month ago.

I cashed a few savings bonds so I've got more of a cushion. Having only $100 in your checking account is a terrible experience when you're unemployed and have $54/mo car insurance. So a weight is off my shoulders.

My depression is in remission, eg. I'm happier on the whole but I do still have periods of frustration and excessive energy, feeling suffocated by boredom, things like that. Anxiety is way down. Sometimes I still have dreams about the guy like breaking into my house or looking through my windows but that's highly improbable in real life. Plus, the dreams so far have all been set in my old house. We moved a few years ago.

I'm getting really fat so I'm thinking of exercising in the mornings. I get up at 9 to watch Will & Grace, maybe I could get up at 8:15 and ride my stationary bike for half an hour, shower, and still get to watch tv. I don't expect to ever be skinny but I do want to lose a little before I really do have to buy bigger underwear. And to have more than two pairs of jeans to pick from when I do leave the house on my rare outings.

Quick summary: Sad has been replaced with worried.

Haven't posted on here in over a month. The day I went to Target to get the Evanescence cd I was on edge. Sure, why not. It had just reopened as a supermarket. Allow me to go off on a tangent!

I have very fond memories of going to walmart on the weekends with my parents. It was settled in a cute little corner of a little valley with long, sweeping roads around one side of it. I dunno, something about the sunlight glinting off the truck with nice clear, blue skies and the promise of shopping ahead. It's just one of my treasured memories. It's right up there with "they gave us raspberry shaving cream in sex ed today! omg! life begins TODAY!" and watching Braceface before school. But then a few years back it became a supermarket and it naturally got busier and the store layout was changed like eight times. It was a turbulent time in the life of our burg. We moved to the next town over before we really got the hang of it, having to adjust to a new one (which of course was a supermarket from the beginning, yet being remodeled!) right away. It's a very big metaphor for life. Back to the subject!

When stores are remodeled, when it is generally seen as a favorable change with its products more accessible and a wider selection, the ability to buy pizza and tube socks in the same store, the idea that things might be on sale to quickly build up revenue used to remodel the place...well, it draws people in. Once the paint fumes settle. But it was actually pretty deserted when I went around 3 pm. School lets out at 2:40, so it was odd that the place was still quiet. The shelves were so high! I got used to feeling tall, being able to see over the lanes in the checkouts. Until the fall months arrive and the baking aisles are double-stacked with flour and sugar and pumpkin mix. Then you begin to feel very small again. I of course was expecting to see Mean Dude there and playing scenarios in my mind. But I made an effort to remain calm at all times, thinking of other people and pleasant things. Like buying Beggin Strips for the dog.

I haven't seen the guy since he dropped me off at home three months ago (oh my god, three months? it feels like...three weeks) but I still worry about running into him. We saw each other a few times at one grocery store so naturally that one bothers me. I walk in there every time like I'm Sam Neill in Jurassic Park, in a state of cat-like readiness with survival skills at the forefront of my mind. Then I think "maybe he's avoiding it too, what if he uses one of the three others?" Nope, still no sight. Sometimes I'm not even thinking of him when I leave the house but I still get anxious. Anxiety is creeping in. It's either anxiety or hopeless, trapped-in-a-corner suicidal feelings for me it seems. Ebb and flow, "you're coming and you're going; like the water you never end", all that. When I'm fine, like sitting here now, I think "couldn't you just empty your mind and zone out? Remove the thoughts from your mind?" But when I'm feeling the effects, it's a lot harder than that. Like I can tell my chest to stop feeling like I'm pinned between the couch and the wall, or my hands to stop shaking, or my eyes to stop darting around and looking all wide and worried.

Today I bought myself a little treat. At the store I do often think of getting more herbal tea. It comes in a lot of flavors and you get to sit down to something and unwind for a few minutes. I had spent ten minutes smelling candles prior to the tea aisle and a box of jasmine tea immediately caught my eye. I smelled it and it is the exact smell of a perfume I used to own in like, 8th grade. I'm a food pessimist, I always think "what if this sucks? I'll be stuck with 19 bags of tea I can't drink." But it was actually really good. It calms me down, too. I put some in the microwave right when I got home, I had a cup earlier for whatever reason, and I had some after...

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