flashbacks..

those fun little moments in my day that sneak up on me just when everything is good and i'm happy -
i really don't have the emotional energy to keep fighting this - and i feel dumb for feeling miserable and like i have no right to be..

Today i've felt like i've been on the worst.. blah, can't even think of an analogy i'm that tired.

I've laughed, i've cried.. literally just wept like a kid - but you know, why do i even use that term? 'wept like a kid..'' - or ''cried like a baby''.. who decided that people aren't allowed to have feeling when they get to adulthood anyway?
What a mess.. not me; well, okay - yes.. i feel like a mess.. i am a mess but tomorrow morning, i'll get out of bed and start a new day - sleep would probably be a good start though.. hardly surprising that my flashbacks are hitting so hard if i'm not sleeping properly.

I feel stupid and dirty and need a bath and a good nights sleep.. twistedly funny, i couldn't have cared less about being clean as a kid,, all i wanted and could think about was how to get enough food to get through the day.. i flashed back today to the kid i once was - waiting after school until all the other kids had gone home so i could go through the wastebin hanging just outside the entrance - it was unbelievable to me that people would throw food away.. I feel sick now thinking about the stuff i ate.. and so so ashamed of it as well.. i used to pick half eaten apples out of the bin and finish them - i remember peeling a squashed sweet off the floor one day and eating it.. i'd done it tons of times before but this time it tasted awful and i had to spit several times until the nasty taste went away and it was anywhere near edible..
I got caught once - a woman down the road from my parents must have been watching out of her window as i picked an apple core off the ground and inspected it - brushing off the tiny pieces of gravel.. she opened her front door and told me i shouldn't eat it,, it was dirty and if i was hungry she had a bag of crisps she could give me.. I was too ashamed to take them and just told her that i wasn't going to eat the aplle, i was just looking at it - i know she probably didn't believe me - as i walked away, i didn't regret not taking the crisps - i wanted to be invisible and her to not have seen me, but i did want that apple core and hated having to drop it back on the ground..

I can remember so much today - i wish i couldn't..
i wish i'd been able to speak.

Seriously.. ugghh.

I woke up this morning, went downstairs to make myself a cup of tea and iron my top.. as I walked into the kitchen a movement caught my eye - or rather, a load of very small movements.

ANTS - all marching in a little line, underneath the door, across the kitchen floor - up the side of the washing machine.. over the skirting boards and into the cupboard..

ugghh..

hundreds of teeny tiny little ants.. just going about their business.. in my home.

Now I feel bad because I needed to get rid of them - I've used wasp killer (seems to work on ants), i've hoovered (will they walk back out again?)..
and I've done the usual thing.. step on them.

I feel so damn bad now. I wish I could just ask them to leave or find some other way of getting rid of them that doesn't involve hurting them.

I'm also firmly on alert and I swear my skin is crawling with the feeling of little bitey footsteps..

I'm so so tired today..

Didn't sleep much last night but I've found it difficult to sleep lately anyway.. I'm shattered in the mornings but wide awake at night..
Also been getting dizzy and seeing ''sparkles'' every time I stand up again..

Last year I was getting all these symptoms and ended up having an MRI for suspected MS.. nothing was found on the scan which is great but it would be good to know what's causing the symptoms.
I know that the dizziness on standing is caused by a rapid dip in blood pressure but it would be helpful to know why it does this.
I'm wondering if it's anything to do with the mini diet i'm on atm.. I'm eating really healthily (and I actually mean healthily.. )
But.. high blood pressure is linked to too much salt etc in a diet.. presumably the reverse would also be true..

hmnn.. I'll look into things a bit..

anyway - wish me luck, i'm about to stand up again

So.. the days are melting into each-other with the giving up coffee thing. A really good thing because it means that i'm barely thinking about it anymore.
I've had a few times that have made me feel really good throughout the whole quitting period; I went to Starbucks and didn't drink a coffee. I had breakfast out and didn't have a real coffee (I had decaf),
I was also pondering the idea of getting some decaf coffee for me to drink at home and then decided against it (with a small sigh of disappointment of course ). I figured that if i'm drinking decaf at home all the time then i'd be far more likely to start drinking normal coffee again..
Part of the point of removing an addiction is to get rid of the habits as well as the addiction itself.

My brain is of course helpfully rationalising this for me.. decaf lacks the bite of real coffee - just that little bit of real bitterness that you can taste..
Therefore.. what's the point? decaf might taste nice but it lacks something and since I can't have exactly what I want.. I may as well give up the habit completely.


anyway.. I wasn't coming to my blog to ramble on about coffee but since i'm not awake properly yet.. I'm still gathering my thoughts into a nice and untangled ball.
I'll do a new entry for what I was coming to talk about.

Oh.. and yesterday was such a lovely day.
I felt content and peaceful for most of it and everything seemed just really nice. It's amazing how different the world seems to me when I feel happy and secure (and that's actually what was really on my mind but I rambled about coffee instead)

Huge hugs for all that want them.

xx

Ignore me.. mumbling to myself here..

I'm on day four of giving up coffee.. I thought it would be more difficult than this to give it up..
I tried to ditch it 3 weeks ago but gave up after 24 hours.

I've been absolutely fine.. good even for the last 3 days but i'm getting a severe coffee craving atm..
I could give in to it.. one coffee wouldn't hurt right.?

Except it would..
So if my brain can shut up trying to convince me that it's okay to have one it would be helpful.
I managed to develop a severe sensitivity to coffee and sugar recently.. side effects delightfully include shaking, anxiety, being jittery and headaches.

Yesterday i forgot all about the sugar sensitivity that i've recently developed and had some cola flavour sweets.. half an hour later and i felt spacey, shaky and couldn't concentrate.
That wasn't fun since i was trying to act normally at the time - you can imagine it can't you.. felt like a full blown panic attack and i'm there trying to persuade myself that i'll be fine..

Anyone else given up coffee/caffeine.? One very weird question for you i you have..
Did your sense of smell go nuts for a while?
I can smell absolutely everything right now and the smell of my jumper is making me feel ill (fabric conditioner that i usually love).. I can smell the hot cross buns cooking in the bakery a mile up the road.. I can smell my hair (which is nice but overpowering)..

Why on earth giving up caffeine would have an effect on my sense of smell i have no idea.. I'm going to have to research if there's anything scientific to that..

I could of course simply be having an aspie day still but usually these happen when i'm seriously tired (i'm tired but not severely).. or when i'm ill (don't think i'm ill)..

Hmnn..