*mod edit*

The top two are accounts alters are creating. I found a copy of a post by "ddmbear58" tucked away in my journaling app on my phone... presumably because she knows Chrome tends to lose posts if they aren't submitted.

It's basically the alter version of my mother. She also detailed a lot of ways in which she had sabotaged me, sicced destructive system parts on me to destroy and alienate me from others, etc.

She is trying to get me out of the way to get DJ to herself. I found a journal entry by him too. He is scared of her. I wanted to talk to the therapist about it today but others had other stuff to say and it got shoved to the side.

On the other hand therapy seems to be going alright. By alright I mean ######6 traumatic and uncomfortable.

I doubt anyone really cares or reads this...lots of us flooding the forums lately. Drama, personal attacks. But oh well! This is how people get to know me if they care.

Talking to friends in *mod edit* about raising children triggered a flashback of someone in the system being abusive towards our son when he was an infant. And it hurt so much to realize that this was a part of who I am. But it's a piece of the puzzle I needed.

Letting go of the ex continues to be so incredibly painful for everyone. I know that I will never meet anyone like her ever again...I know she has serious problems as well and many of us have different takes on that, but I know I will always love her. She showed me a lot about who I am.

I have been afraid to let go of anything...good or bad. It defines me maybe ("me").

Strangely I don't know how. I don't know how I am defined. Or who I am. Maybe that's just another BPD / DID thing.

Anyway on to the system:

Me (Andrew, 32, host) I come and go a lot lately. Probably more just a name than anything else these days. My heart will always belong to one woman, and I will never see her again, so I personally will be single for the remainder of my life.

A2 (unsure age) is more a translator / bridge for DJ.

Alrik (16) is a 16 year old "me," hypersexual, raunchy...typical teenage hormone addled boy. More creative.

Quicksave (16-32) another me, but more balanced. The person I wish I could be. Fragmented around the time our dad died (16). In a complicated relationship with Wendy.

Doofus "DJ" Johnson (6ish) is a strangely gifted child part that I discovered with the help of my ex. He can change parts in the system. I think he is slightly deranged and lonely. Lives in a castle made of flesh and blood. His name was a nickname our dad gave us when we were very little. DJ tends to shut system members down at times when they try to find him, or when he is scared. Had one friend, Shelly. She is gone now and he has not been out much since.

William Shephard ("Shephard" / unknown age) is a disturbed, seemingly bipolar and abusive alter. He is a part that split when we were sexually assaulted and beaten by a daycare provider at 3. He carries a lot of bitterness and anger.

Gorthaur the Cruel (unknown age) splits from Shephard, and is a manifestation of Shephard's abuser. He can be incredibly manipulative and abusive towards others. Sexually assaulted a female member of our system to hurt our ex and drive her away, he also tortured me and the littles. Attempted suicide and multiple instances of self harm. Unstable. Wendy and Quicksave named him for the alias Sauron of the Tolkien universe uses, due to his depraved and tyrannical tendencies.

James (annihilated, 68) is my father. He died when I was 16. Up until DJ destroyed him, he still would visit me in my dreams. The dreams would often become nightmares when I would realize it was impossible for him to be there. Dad was probably my best friend. I watched him die when it happened and it messed me up a lot, for life. He could be abusive at times. Had a serious opiate addiction and mental health problems of his own. But inside he was not a bad person. Was smart as a whip, incredibly talented musician, amazing singing voice.

Deb (unknown whereabouts, 59) is my mother. When she is around she constantly berates and criticizes, sometimes sabotages. She was exceedingly abusive to us as children, and was unfortunately internalized as a system member herself. Very intelligent and perceptive. In spite of her abusive tendencies I believe she is not a bad person.

Wendy (mid 20's???) is a conglomerate of feminine parts the system made to befriend our ex when things were bad. She is still in love with a female member of ex's system. Was raped and impregnated by Gorthaur/Shephard (due June 22 2017), and is now in a relationship with Quicksave.

Oliver (Ollie, 13) was "cured" / "purified" by the ex and James...he isn't around...

[ Continued ]

Maybe I am still a bit in shock with all that has happened...the low down is that I know I was sexually assaulted by a member of our system, and that I have very little recourse for that...or so I thought.

I got him back good enough though, with a well placed kick. This was of course not done by physically kicking myself, since I appreciate that others need this body and all its parts intact, but it hurt him pretty well enough. In fact it really made little difference to the conscious mind as the pain actually physically manifested...Shephard is the one that gets to feel an achey smashed groin when he fronts and I am perfectly fine with that. Hehe

The system is strangely now starting to cooperate more. Last time I was around a lot of very bad stuff was going on but I seem to be much more emotionally balanced all things considered. I think that is why they decided today needed to be the day to bring me back and I am thankful for that. I thought I was a total goner.

Shephard talked to the therapist today. As angry and repulsed as I feel by what he did I am thankful for this.
He actually did well. He didn't mention what he had done to me but he did without any excuse whatsoever explain what he had been doing to others and the ex...it breaks my heart to use this term, so so much and I pray this isn't permanent even if for selfish reasons...he was pretty forthcoming about it at least.

I think he needed to be able to admit what he did honestly, because he does carry a lot of guilt and shame. A LOT. Forgiveness is a strange concept in here because we can't walk away from each other, we can't ignore one another, we can't call the police and have a troublesome occupant arrested. We have to learn to get along. See each other as people. And while I very much hate and resent him right now for what happened, I know I can't hang on to it forever either. It's too toxic an emotion.

This is apparently the point where we are supposed to start applying those DBT skills we are learning...it's tough. Learning to think differently is not an easy task! Or maybe in our case just think, period!

Because I keep coming back.

The harder you guys fight with me the more I push back are you guys just retarded?

The title is so apt in so many ways (and maybe a subtle jab at the person that we contracted it from). I keep coming back and there is no cure.

And I make you miserable when I come to visit.

Maybe try learning to just accept it instead of cheap mind tricks.

Then you can learn to minimize the pain. Assuming I am not feeling particularly harmful when I'm out.

Ciao

Shephard

P.S (you guys are a disgrace plastering your dirty laundry all over the internet...are you kidding me)

I'm another core part of the system that DJ mistakenly thought he could wipe out. I do think "A" the primary front is defunct at the moment but even DJ said himself the parts were still there.

They are. Some assembly required.

I have done some messed up things. But I have been a hostage in this body in this system for so long. All they have done is drift through life just coasting by and they would bring me so close to things I missed and needed...acceptance, love, affection...opportunity, things I feel passionate about. And then they would cruelly yank them from my grasp. They just selectively repress me. Constantly.

I hate the guerrilla warfare tactics I hate having to manipulate and control the others, whispering dark omens in their ears to get them to shoot themselves in the foot. But I am not treated as an equal. I am treated as an embarrassment as a threat. That I have a Napoleon complex little guy syndrome whatever.

But what do they do? Do they stand their ground on anything? No. The best they can muster is passive aggression. Shy away. That hurts me too! In the eyes of the world this is the person we are...weak and neurotic and pedantic. I'm NOT.

I am confident and secure and I can be okay being just me and being patient and not needing someone else to validate my existence. I can be an adult. They are the ones with the problem.

End rant.
"The Boogeyman"