I can't believe it's been almost a month of being on the new dosage amount of the Latuda. from 80mg to 120mg, that it has made such a difference in my mood. I am calm and not as irritable as before. I am patient in my driving instead of angry and rude. Little annoyances don't seem so bothersome as before, to the point of feeling extreme anger at others. I don't feel like a monster inside of me anymore. I feel like a normal calm self.

I woke up at 4 a.m. because I had fallen asleep so early. At 8 p.m. I feel great! I took the Latuda pill early and so it knocked me out. I don't usually take it at 7 p.m. Everyone is asleep and the only one who wakes up with the noise I make is the puppy, Krypto. He is such a light sleeper. I am going back in time and looking at my manic states, my depressive states, and wondering how in the hell did I make it without any medical help. These days I panic if I feel myself falling into another depression. I am afraid of being depressed for days on end. I dread that when it comes into my life again. Which inevitably it will. It’s the nature of the illness. But for now I am as stable as ever. It’s still hard for me to laugh so easily. I am my quiet self. What is different is I seem to get angry so easily. Being stable feels like I have my head screwed on right. I am more level-headed about money. I seem to refrain in spending recklessly with much more control than before.

I am still having a hard time making it to church. Going to church used to make me feel so good in the past. I felt I had been faithful to God and to the faith in the best way possible. Now, ever since I got so depressed and since I was diagnosed Bipolar, I see God and the faith in a different light. I still see it as good. But like it doesn’t apply to me, since I can go from a high manic state to a low depressive state. I mean that I can be in two different moods at different times, and I don’t quite feel God so close or I can feel him too close. Being stable has me staying distant from him, but still wanting Him to take care of me. Like I want Him to understand that I am not well sometimes and I can barely function or take in the Gospel. Since I am not manic often, I want HIm to also to know I am out of control and can do crazy things when I am not myself in my right state of mind. For God, understanding me is doable, because He knows everything. For another person other than my husband, I think it can seem impossible to be so understanding. I am afraid of being rejected. And if history serves me right, I’d rather stay in my comfort zone than ever take that risk. Rejection of my very self is too painful. I’d rather stay alone without friends and die alone than risk my reputation or my feelings than seek others out. Besides, I don’t feel alone. My few friends are all I need. They may not know everything about me or me and my illness, but they know enough to show they care. That's all that matters.

My brother-in-law passed away today at 10:30 a.m. May he rest in peace. It was a tough battle with cancer. He is no longer in pain.

I counted my pills, the increase in the Latuda, from 80mg to 120mg has worked. It took 9 days. I feel better. Not so moody or sad. I wasn't depressed, just felt sad for no reason. My husband is out of town but he has a job and we are grateful for that. So I won't complain on that. My friend O called me yesterday which surprised me because she's had so much going on in her life. Her husband has been very ill and in the hospital, then she is now sick. We talked as usual, over M and also her new 2014 Cadillac! All my friends have been in hiding, licking their wounds (not really) over family goings on. Just busy and taking care of their family. It's hard being patient when you need someone to talk to and the therapist is a month away. Scheduling an appointment when it's not important is not something I would ever do. So I've been making new friends here on the message board. It's nice to know the people on this message board are real, with real lives, and that they are reaching out to you in your time of need, the need for a listening ear. I never would have expected that. I will share this has very much taken me by surprised. Thank you.

I think talking to my ex-boyfriend through e-mails has me truly believing that there is no way in hell I am ever leaving my husband for him or anyone. I have so much good going for me here. And he, my ex, has nothing to offer me in the way of loving companionship. I think my bipolar scares him anyway. So that makes me feel good about how I am living my life. Thanks be to God!