So I joined this forum a few hours a go. I posted a blog entry and I commented on a few forums. After reading the stories of others, it struck me how selfish I am. Others have it worse then me. I'm just some idiot that cannot cope with my life. I feel as though I should shut the Fuc% up and stop complaining. No wonder I'm alone and miserable and full of self hatred. Because I'm selfish and all I do is moan. I am very open, especially if people ask why I was in hospital or why I left school or why for some reason, they believed I was dead. However some people recoil in horror when they learn the truth. They say "Oh right.. I never would have guessed!" when they are secretly thinking "yeah, I knew you weren't normal. let's give it a few years before we speak again!" Or is that just my paranoia?

I think this website is amazing. I think the people on here are so courageous for talking about how they feel and the problems they are having. It's so refreshing. Many of you have this amazing way of expressing yourselves, so eloquent and honest. Most of the blogs and forums I have read have had a profound effect on me. Maybe I am the only one that feels this way, I don't know. But the words I have read matter, they mean something. But then again, I have just taken my evening meds so maybe thats why I'm feeling practically emotional! I don't trust my feelings or my thoughts or the voices in my head. They tell lies.

I feel like such a fraud for being diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Here's a little secret: I can't remember any traumatic events that have led to my illnesses. I have never been sexually abused. I have never been a victim of domestic abuse (apart from the odd push and shove from my moron ex). I have never witnessed a murder or seen anything horrific enough to warrant such a diagnosis. To me, the diagnosis itself is a traumatic event!

I wish I could express myself clearly and not sound like such a bratty child that is upset because nobody wants to play nicely with me. Poor me. I feel as though I am just offending people and sounding patronising and annoying. I sit here, trying to prove to myself just how selfish I am but counting all the times I use "I" in this blog.

I wish to apologise for my ramblings and any offence I have caused for this post. I'm so scared of my own thoughts and feelings, I feel as though I should apologise. So here it is: I'm sorry. For everything I've written in the last few hours. For this blog and for future blogs I may write.

It also occurs to me I am a narcissistic little b!tch for even thinking people may want to read this blog, therefore I am sorry for that too.