As a full-time student, I am constantly under stress to succeed. I'm also a full-time resident to depression and episodes. How wonderful is that.
I'm trying so hard in both areas. I've taken the day off in school to work on my emotional health, and to just take a breather. My parents would be furious if they found out - but I'm not trying to make them happy. I'm trying to make myself happy.

I'm thinking about going back to counseling, but it costs so much damn money - Money that I don't have. I feel like I'm getting worse and worse everyday. Some days are good, but some - just plain awful. How do I even survive in school, I can't even focus... How do I even make it out of bed without screaming?
I'm proud of myself. That's something that pretty rare since I hate myself more than anything. So, I guess that's an improvement. Better than nothing I suppose.

I'm so sick and tired of medication and therapists. What I would do, for some peace in my head. I want to be mentally healthy. I want to live freely and happily. I'm so pissed and envious of people who can. This isn't fair, this isn't ######6 fair.
I'm tired of episodes.
I'm tired of the medication not working.
I'm tired of the days where I want to die.
I'm tired of bottling up my feelings because I know people will think I'm insane
or judge me
or tell me "i need help" like.. ###$ you i'm trying... so damn hard...
or tell me i shouldn't feel this way because i'm not a "starving child in africa"

Nothing is worse than battling your own mind everyday.

It's a bad day. Something's wrong me with me, that I know. But I get these days, everything is so ###$ up in the head. One little thing wrong, and my day is ruined. I say one thing that I think will embarrass me, I want to scream and hit at myself.
Last night, I couldn't sleep for 4 hours. I was just overwhelmed by thoughts and I couldn't stop them, they were yelling at me, telling me what a piece of $#%^ I am. I'm a horrible person, I deserve to die, I dont deserve love. I don't deserve anything.
There is a My Chemical Romance Song, "Famous Last Words," and one of lines are "I'm not afraid to walk this world alone".
Well. I'm ######6 afraid to walk this world alone. I'm so scared that I'm going to die alone, because nobody want's to deal with me. I'm terrfied. I'm so scared.

I don't even want to deal with myself. Why will anyone else?

I lay around the house all day doing physically, nothing. But in my head, I'm dealing with myself. 24/7. The cruel fate is that I can't escape myself.

I'm fighting angry thoughts, regret, guilt, embarrassment, and it won't go away... Sometimes I want to feel numb so I don't have to deal with this. But when I do, I hate it and just crave just one ounce of emotion.

I guess it's better to feel pain, than nothing at all.

I don't think this is normal.

Today, I was taking an evening walk, like I always do around 7pm. Anxiety is just blaring like alarm-bells in my head, nothing new. And while I was walking, a flashback, memory, whatever you want to call it, appeared and... all of a sudden i was squeezing my skin so hard and whispering to myself: stop it, stop it, stop it. I thought I was going to make it bleed, it was burning, but it was a needed distraction. I hope to God nobody saw.
This happends to me alot, more than usual lately. It can get to bad as screaming and pounding at myself, to just screaming "###$ STOP IT" to myself. feel like I'm losing it sometimes...

Now this is nothing new to me, strangely. I've been having these "episodes", "attacks", I don't know what to call them really, since I was so young. As long as I can remember. They used to come and go, but now it's getting worse, and worse, and I feel like I can't control it.. But have I ever controlled it before?
And I can't just snap out of it either, or like snap a rubber band on my wrist and it'll all go away. It's like an instinct. Bad memory? boom, my hand is hurting myself. or i'm screaming at myself. or i'm begging my mind to stop torturing me.

I've come to the point where, maybe I shouldn't talk anymore. Because every time I do, it gives me a reason to hurt myself even more.