Lately has been tough for me. Yesterday marked the second month since this nightmare began. I don't feel like myself. I don't feel like "one of the girls" anymore. I feel like a lesbian who's coming close to accepting her sexuality and very very very confused. I don't talk about thinking I'm a lesbian as much as I used to. My depression and anxiety have gotten better due to the antidepressants that my doctor gave me and I guess I'm just kind of floating along. I do feel empty though and upset. The thoughts still remain with me from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed and I honestly doubt the will go away because girls are everywhere I can't hide. I sit and wonder sometimes how before all of this I was capable of being extremely friendly with a girl and making new friends and thinking nothing of it. I feel extremely disconnected and I'm going to work this summer to hopefully pay for counseling in the future. The lack of motivation I have is crazy. I have days where I think I'm attracted to men again and feel ok, then everything is ruined because I notice girls and become extremely frustrated with myself and with them. Lately I've noticed more than anything that I'm extremely angry. Angry with myself and others, and let me tell you it's not a great combination with depression and anxiety. I pray that things get better but I think I'm losing all hope.

So to say today sucked is a understatement. I've been taking it "easy" and what not trying to be "patient" with myself and my feelings but I miss feeling ALIVE. I miss feeling the happiness that came with having a crush on a guy and knowing everything felt so right. I miss watching movies and day dreaming. I'm a HUGE day dreamer and the fact that its been taken away from me pisses me off more than anything because I loved it. I loved listening to music and being happy. I MISS IT SO MUCH IT HURTS AND IT FEELS LIKE IM GOING TO EXPLODE. I miss reading romance novels and getting giddy and goosebumps when the boys would be sweet to the girls and I'd think "I'd just love to have a boyfriend like that". I miss making new girl friends and no being paranoid that I might be "in love with them". I miss going out and doing things and feeling FREE. I just, I can't even cry anymore because of the freaking meds I'm on. I'm just so upset and I miss feeling ok. I miss knowing what I wanted and feeling ok with it. I just. I miss it all so much. I feel like I'm a lesbian now and I have to go out and find a girlfriend, which I don't want to d, but then my heads like "how do you know? you've never tried?" and I don't feel panic I just feel uncomfortable and pissed off. If I barely glance at a girl I think I'm "checking them out" and the cycle continues. I just can't handle this anymore I'm literally gonna go crazy any day and end up doing something I'll regret. I just miss feeing happy, feeing anything actually. Sometimes one of my girl friends will say theyre gonna go see their bf and I'm like "well do I feel jealous? If you have a crush on her you must feel jealous" I don't even remember what jealousy feels like, that's how deep in this bloody hole I am. I JUST CAN'T. I DON'T KNOW WHO I WAS OR WHO I AM.

I have been struggling with what I think and hope is HOCD for about a month now. I am a 19 year old female who oddly never questioned her sexuality throughout puberty until now. I say oddly because I was exposed to pornography from a young age (embarrassed to even say that). And for the most part I always watched Lesbian porn (I also watched straight porn but found it off putting because it was difficult to find a guy I thought was cute.) Even when this was occurring (from about age 12) I never once had a crush on a girl. Since kindergarten I can remember having crushes on boys left and right. I did have some same sex experimentation in like the first grade but never thought much of it because it was with my best friend at the time and I didn't LIKE her (even helped her get a boyfriend lol) and I never had feelings towards girls. I have to admit I did have a Lesbian scare in the 6th grade after watching a movie with Lesbians involved (connecting it back to masturbation thinking I'd HAVE to end up with a girl) but quickly got over it due to knowing I'd never actually want a relationship with another girl. After that I was your boy crazy girl from 6-12 grade. All I ever dreamed about were guys and how my first kiss would be the best and it seemed that I had a crush on just about every teen male singer/actor. I went through Jesse McCartney/Bow Wow/Chris Brown/Justin Bieber/One Direction and PLENTY more. Boys always made me smile and feel warm. Now this is where it gets tricky. I started college this year and I've had about 3 crushes since then. I had a major one on a guy I haven't seen for a while and that really made me upset. I didn't/ still don't really feel like I fit in here and it was really tough for the first few months. I envied my friends because it seemed they got all the attention from the boys and I felt like I'd be alone forever (I've never had a boyfriend and I tormented myself with this before HOCD kicked in). So things were already pretty rough and a bit later my Mom had a heart attack and on top of stress at school my world felt like it was crumbling. SO THIS IS WHERE WE GET TO WHERE IT ALL STARTED. One day a girl came in from another class and started talking to me, she seemed really friendly so I was like "oh this girl is really nice." She seemed really interested in what I had to say and I found it a little strange and awkward. It almost felt like she was flirting with me. I didn't want to be rude so I agreed to give her my number and she left shortly after. The whole time I was thinking "how strange it felt like she was hitting on me." But due to my computer not working I brushed it off. Later on she popped back into my head and I started freaking out. I kept replaying our conversation and wondering if I had made it seem like I was interested. The thoughts bothered me and soon they became unstoppable. I kept wondering if I was flirting or that if by giving her my number it meant I wanted something. I was starting to get over my paranoia when se texted me one day in class. I felt so anxious and sick that I asked to leave early because it felt like I was having a panic attack. Things only got worse after that and I ended up getting diagnosed with anxiety and depression (2 weeks today on PAXIL). All I could think was if I was gay and how could I have missed that, and all the porn came back to haunt me. I've never wanted to date a girl so I'm so confused. I try to imagine myself with a girl and I can't do it. I laid in bed for a week without appetite or energy to do anything (even hobbies). I began to obsess and wonder if I had always been a Lesbian or if it was something new I'd have to get used to. Even going out with friends I've hung out with so many times before was depressing. I keep thinking I'm in love with all of my friends or have strange attractions to any female that stands close to me. I sleep a lot and feel like I'm in a hole. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know what I want anymore...

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