So to say today sucked is a understatement. I've been taking it "easy" and what not trying to be "patient" with myself and my feelings but I miss feeling ALIVE. I miss feeling the happiness that came with having a crush on a guy and knowing everything felt so right. I miss watching movies and day dreaming. I'm a HUGE day dreamer and the fact that its been taken away from me pisses me off more than anything because I loved it. I loved listening to music and being happy. I MISS IT SO MUCH IT HURTS AND IT FEELS LIKE IM GOING TO EXPLODE. I miss reading romance novels and getting giddy and goosebumps when the boys would be sweet to the girls and I'd think "I'd just love to have a boyfriend like that". I miss making new girl friends and no being paranoid that I might be "in love with them". I miss going out and doing things and feeling FREE. I just, I can't even cry anymore because of the freaking meds I'm on. I'm just so upset and I miss feeling ok. I miss knowing what I wanted and feeling ok with it. I just. I miss it all so much. I feel like I'm a lesbian now and I have to go out and find a girlfriend, which I don't want to d, but then my heads like "how do you know? you've never tried?" and I don't feel panic I just feel uncomfortable and pissed off. If I barely glance at a girl I think I'm "checking them out" and the cycle continues. I just can't handle this anymore I'm literally gonna go crazy any day and end up doing something I'll regret. I just miss feeing happy, feeing anything actually. Sometimes one of my girl friends will say theyre gonna go see their bf and I'm like "well do I feel jealous? If you have a crush on her you must feel jealous" I don't even remember what jealousy feels like, that's how deep in this bloody hole I am. I JUST CAN'T. I DON'T KNOW WHO I WAS OR WHO I AM.