I was angry. I wasn't angry with her out of jealousy or rage. I was angry with her because she was being difficult and then held it against me for meeting her irrational behavior head on. I rose to the occasion.

She said I was being "borderline abusive". Don't say that to me unless you truly feel that way. Don't say it just to shame me. Because I love her so much I would hate for her to be in an abusive relationship. And even though I totally don't see it that way and completely disagree with her about it being abusive, I love her enough that I would leave her if she were too weak or whatever to leave me.

I left.

And she begged me not to.

I guess, either it wasn't abuse. Or she would rather be with a nut case than to lose me.

Either way, I'm watching her more closely to be able to notice the triggers and set things straight before they get out of hand again. All I did was grab her after several attempts to get her to look at me. That grab she calls abuse.

I won't touch her again then when we're fighting.

I won't let my frustration take me there. I DO have that much control. I just never thought what I was doing was wrong.

She'll see. I'm not only not abusive. I'm not out of control.

It's not hard for me to just calm down. I always saw that as abusive though. Because I'd rather someone FIGHT for me.

Wonder how she'll feel when I just back down, give in, walk away....

I have a feeling she won't like it.

Well, it actually felt like therapy today, so I'm happy about that. I spoke more than my therapist did and got a lot of what's being going on out so that she could help me make sense of it. And she did.

It's so hard for me admitting to the things I think about, the problems that I'm having.

Hopefully, this is the start of me getting better with it all.

I have a therapy appointment today. I missed the last one because of my mom's hospital stay. It's been longer than usual so I immediately go back to the initial fears. Like somehow I forget that I've met my therapist several times before and know that she's a fun, sweet lady.

I really want to do something of substance with my sessions, but we don't. We just chat and laugh. And then I leave there and want to kill everyone insight. I get so overwhelmed by the fact that I conquer all of my issues to get there and then waste the opportunity.

Are therapists supposed to be more proactive then this? As the patient, am I supposed to be the one with the plan of attack?

I'm just really annoyed with it all right now and wish I could save the precious gas it takes to get all the way to the appointment and use it instead on something more useful.

I've had a hard enough time sleeping lately. My girlfriend says that I don't wake up crying or fighting nearly as often as I used to, but I don't sleep as much overall. I'm fairly certain that this lack of sleep is a big part of why I am seeing things and why so much of my waking life seems blurry.

But when I do sleep, my dreams are tearing me apart.

I am dreaming of my father a lot. I miss him. He's been dead now for 8 years. I had a really strange relationship with him, more friends and "partners in crime" than typical father/daughter stuff. But in my dreams things are different.

I am often afraid of the world around me when I sleep. I always have been. But when I was a kid my dad could show up in a dream and save me. He would beat back the bad guys and rescue me from whatever was out to get me.

Lately, that has all changed and I don't know why.

There is a lot of suggestion in my current dreaming. What isn't blunt and straight forward is still lingering. Are we sexually involved? Is he using me? Am I submissive to him?

This wasn't really an issue in real life. We talked about sex, but never engaged in anything, not even close. So where are these dreams coming from? If they were happy dreams maybe I could say that I was just missing him and since I am such a freak this is how it plays out. But I'm not happy in my dreams, I'm terrified.

And what happens while I'm dreaming stays with me for days.

It leaves me confused and overwhelmed. Part of me wants to just accept the dreams as more me being a deviant and that they have nothing to do with my father's ethics. But being so scared when I wake up and having his voice and his face sticking with me in such a brutal way, it's hard to do.