I've had a hard enough time sleeping lately. My girlfriend says that I don't wake up crying or fighting nearly as often as I used to, but I don't sleep as much overall. I'm fairly certain that this lack of sleep is a big part of why I am seeing things and why so much of my waking life seems blurry.
But when I do sleep, my dreams are tearing me apart.
I am dreaming of my father a lot. I miss him. He's been dead now for 8 years. I had a really strange relationship with him, more friends and "partners in crime" than typical father/daughter stuff. But in my dreams things are different.
I am often afraid of the world around me when I sleep. I always have been. But when I was a kid my dad could show up in a dream and save me. He would beat back the bad guys and rescue me from whatever was out to get me.
Lately, that has all changed and I don't know why.
There is a lot of suggestion in my current dreaming. What isn't blunt and straight forward is still lingering. Are we sexually involved? Is he using me? Am I submissive to him?
This wasn't really an issue in real life. We talked about sex, but never engaged in anything, not even close. So where are these dreams coming from? If they were happy dreams maybe I could say that I was just missing him and since I am such a freak this is how it plays out. But I'm not happy in my dreams, I'm terrified.
And what happens while I'm dreaming stays with me for days.
It leaves me confused and overwhelmed. Part of me wants to just accept the dreams as more me being a deviant and that they have nothing to do with my father's ethics. But being so scared when I wake up and having his voice and his face sticking with me in such a brutal way, it's hard to do.
|
