Why do I fear Ts? Why am I constantly trying to analyze their behavior and or look for hidden meanings and manipulation in the words they say? There are two sides to this answer: transference and past experiences with Ts.

Transference is when a client begins to relate to the therapist in the same way that he or she related to a caregiver in the past. It is very natural and common, because the therapist is an outsider that has now become an insider. All the family secrets are now being divulged to her...all the personal secrets, things that have only been communicated between the client and God; these are now being "confessed" to another human being. The difference (hopefully) is that the therapist attempts to form their opinions about such "secrets" in a non-judgmental manner that will benefit the client.

For those who grew up with caregivers who were not always vigilent regarding their emotional needs, this can be quite a hassle, and quite foreign. For me, my emotions were never addressed in a consistent, healthy manner. One thing that comes to mind is the bullying I experienced in 8th grade. Every day was an ordeal. Coming home from school was horrible, because I would have to explain to my mother why I was so down. Instead of obtaining comfort for when I was sad, my mother instead showed ruthless anger to the bullies, calling the school and embarrassing me, etc. Never were my emotions justified...instead they were met with covert ridicule. The subliminal message in my mother's tactics was: you shouldn't let these things make you sad. You need to become stronger and not let it bother you so much. These people's words and actions should make you angry, and make you want to get some kind of vengeful fulfillment. But since that wasn't my nature, I instead internalized my sadness. This led to self injury and, I'm afraid, some of the psychological problems I am experiencing today.

So there is one of the reasons why I have problems with Ts. I am not used to my sadness being validated, and I am not used to being comforted when I am sad. Therefor, these feelings of sadness get pushed down so deeply that not even a therapist seems to sense them. And what is worse...not even I sense my own sadness all the time.

Reason 2...past experiences with therapists. To make a very long story short, when I was 10 I was forced to go through psychoanalysis in order to validate my claims that my father was abusive. Unfortunately, these beliefs were present only as a result of severe manipulation from my mother. That aside, though, I have a deep, hidden hatred for therapists, their offices, and even their couches! Especially brown leather ones. I harbor a lot of guilt...but also a lot of hatred toward that one psychologist. Why couldn't he see through the lies that were my mother's manipulation? Why did he say what he did, making me at first hurt, and in a fleeting moment of fear that I had "messed up" my story, I told the worst lie of all? When I look at myself in that memory, I see my mother. Her exact same facial expressions, her exact same tone of voice, her exact same body movements. Not me.

And so I think, subconsciously, I want for therapists to read my mind. I have not gotten past those first psychological interviews...deep down, there must have been some kind of hope, then, that the psychologist would see through my story and understand that it wasn't true. Now, so many times when asked a question by a therapist, I respond with what I believe is the right answer, the honest answer. Then hours or days later, I realize...that's not true at all! Why did I say that! I begin to feel guilty for "lying," and what's worse, I feel anger towards the therapist for not catching my "lie." But the therapist is not a mind reader. I may have believed this when I was younger, but I am an adult now, and must get past that little inner feeling that says she knows everything about me, I can't hide anything,...

[ Continued ]

Um...yes! Duuuhhhh. They are just as real as emotions. You can't touch sadness, you can only sense it. And sometimes, it is not apparent to others that you are experiencing it. Same with anger or any other emotion.

So why are hallucinations any different? It's a sensory experience unique to you, and others do not always know you experience it.

So obviously, the voices I hear are real. Do I believe that the real Eminem has mind powers and sent me a message in my head? Nooo....

But the Eminem in my head...he talked to me. It scared me though. I was laying in bed and he said "You're so stupid!" And somehow I knew that if I turned my head it would stop...and it did! But now I'm really curious and I want him to talk again! Because this time I will answer "why do you think that?"

And there is a lady. She is nice. She was talking that night too, so I don't know, maybe he was calling HER stupid. She's also the one who hugged the crying child, I think it was a little boy.

But who was playing the violin music? And the birds that were chirping, what was their significance? And the train whistle?

Sometimes I feel like my brain is one big heiroglyphic that I just HAVE to decipher.

Hey, it passes the time, what can I say.

It’s like crying.

You know when you are walking around in the store and you see something that reminds you of somebody who died? You have to go to the bathroom very quickly because you know you are about to cry, and you know that after you cry you will feel better.

That’s how it is. Letting yourself be small is like letting yourself cry…or letting yourself laugh. But it’s so hard because if you are around people who will think you are immature, or who don’t know you like that, you have to hold it in. And then your mood changes. You get numb, or you get sad, or you start zoning out into conversations in your head or you start zoning out into bad memories. Just sitting there with a sad look on your face…all because you didn’t let yourself be small for even just a few moments.

That’s how it is with me and the “seizures”, too. I am not epileptic, but when the emotion has gotten too high, or when I have received a shock, I get dizzy. Okay it’s only happened legit like this two times but it’s how it goes. I get dizzy and I just know that I need to go somewhere private like my room and lay on the floor. If the “seizure” happens, it happens. It’s like allowing myself to cry. But it’s hard because I can’t let myself do it for too long cuz I get soooo sore. My head waves from left to right so fast, and I have to not let it do that for too long. And the motions and positions are always very patterned, very much the same, like I am remembering something bad…but I don’t remember anything like this ever happening.

If anybody reads this and can relate or put in their two cents, please do so and let me know I’m not alone. I wish I could let out these "littles" completely. Does anybody know how? It has happened before. Someone else has taken over. But I don't know who it was. All I know is that they were singing Jesus Loves me. All I know is that they said "I'm sorry". All I know is that they threw things like socks, right there in the hospital.