I've noticed that when someone tells me something serious I immediately feel like making a joke about it. I don't know If it's because I feel uncomfortable or that I'm not able to fully process what it must feel to be in their situation.. It's a bit disturbing.

I feel like blogging leads to either insanity or clarity.

It's to laugh at me, right? right.

The guy I had a massive crush on in high school never actually liked me, he just felt sorry for me. The girl that was seemingly interested in befriending me was a ***** and obviously talked behind my back. I made a huge fool out of myself when I wore that outfit ( a navy dress with a matching cardigan and fuschia pumps) for a mock interview that made up half of my grade in spanish class.****I though I looked okay, apparently not. I think it had to do more with what people expected me to look like and me not matching that. A lousy loner that prefers to merge with the wallpaper wearing a very "out-there" outfit. I dont think even I was expecting it. My home room teacher made fun of me in public and in some cases I was right there and he didnt even care. That's how little worth I had in High school.

I think I finally got it. At last! **** I hope.. I finally know what I have. I am a covert narcissist with bpd traits and possible spd traits. Not sure if I'm ready to somewhat fully share why this is, probably not since its still pretty new to me but I will in the near future. Oh what the heck I'll do a bit right now:

The being interested in fashion ****obsessing is more like it, dressing well, looking mostly put together, thinking in extremes like over-valuing people I've just met then proceeding to either become tired of them or disliking them for whatever reason, idealizing crushes, having almost no empathy, having a need to be admired by other people, needing praise, wanting to merge with someone "omnipotent", etc..