i don't trust him now

i'm paranoid, checking websites to see if he's on there trying to find replacement ass

i feel guilty that he's with YET ANOTHER dysfunctional chick

i'm really tired of this. same story, over and over and over and over.

i'm so tired of the rollercoaster i don't want to continue therapy or dating, it just doesn't seem worth it. i'm 40. will i REALLY ever get over this? probably not. i could spend the time/money on something else.

i think my main focus should be my daughter's life, until she's independent, at least. i don't want to get lost in my child and use her as an emotional crutch.

i think i should spend extra time doing volunteer work. something to fill the void and loneliness. distraction. or find a part time, every other weekend job so i have something to do when i don't have my daughter.

i really like sex, but don't bond over it. i easily keep a FWB situation going with no remorse or regret. i think i will just keep doing that to fill the physical void.

I'm in the pit of it now.

I swore to myself earlier this year that I wanted something substantial in a relationship. i didn't define substantial. looking back I think I meant something more than a FWB situation, a real boyfriend/girlfriend thing. I didn't mean marriage. Well, at the time I thought I could maybe do marriage. Now I realize otherwise.

I met Graham and fell in love but the 8-year age difference is causing me major issues. I don't want to meet his family. I don't want to meet the mother of his children. I don't want to marry him. The anxiety I feel about my age is almost unbearable at times. I have meltdowns often about it. Since he and I don't live together I can hide them, but if we were ever to move in with one another I'd become moody, sullen, withdrawn, and filled with rage over minor transgressions because the underlying theme is I CANNOT CHANGE MY AGE and I CANNOT REVERSE THE AGING PROCESS. I've aged tremendously in just the past 3 years and it's not slowing down. And all I want to do during times of this anxiety is drink and smoke, which furthers the aging process.

Things beyond my control are balls of anxiety and I can only juggle so many. I feel like sacrificing a relationship is one of the few ways I can eliminate stress in my life. I no longer have another person to worry about, to HAVE to talk to, to HAVE to deal with, to HAVE to coordinate life and plans and kid stuff with. I'm a ball of nerves a lot with what's on my plate, and the addition of "others" into my life makes it more stressful than just doing it alone. Being alone, however, has its own set of stress. Point being, I can't marry anyone or be in a TRUE LTR because the stress of it all makes me an ogre. Unbearable to live with. For myself and my SO. And for my child. I've become quite a shithead to her, and she to me. I don't know who started it, but it's wearing me down. I'm not nice to her at home.

I'm done living the fantasy that things will change in this regard. I'm in full acceptance of it now. I tried. Many, many times. I'm just not built for things such as these.

I prayed. I asked God. I talked to people. I go to therapy. I'm on meds for sleep that should also help anxiety. My thyroid levels are going back to normal. I read online about successful age disparate relationships where the woman is older. Yet I come back to this state. Immense stress and fear and sadness. I'm so tired of this rollercoaster. Yeah, there are days of good, days of fun, days of smiles. But they become more and more outshadowed by days of THIS. I don't feel like this when I'm alone. I feel other stuff, but not like this. It's like a weight has been lifted when I'm alone. Alone I shall remain.

It's easy to look back at my failed relationships and pinpoint when things went wrong. It's sad.. I've had guys actually want to marry me (why, oh why? i'm cray!). I just push and push and push, and then pull, and push, and the go off the deep end "You're crazy, I'm out!!!" I feel justified for the way it played out, after all...it was *him* who had issues that waved the flags... I just happened to see them finally...right?

I dated a lot of "losers," though... derelicts with little life direction, little motivation, party boys, f#ck boys, etc. It's easy to date those guys... knowing nothing more *can* come of it. Start out avoiding the actual and just have a pal to party with, go out with, maybe watch some movies, have some sex... then peace out when/if it becomes uncomfortable and neither party is really worried about it. It was just "fun."

But then I meet someone I really connect with. While there are red flags... they tend to be the kind that OTHER PEOPLE (aka, non-avoidant peeps), would work through/around. Do I just lack the ability to do so?

For instance, I met a guy on Leap Day (Feb 29th) this year... at a bar... of course (that's where I get my social interaction, half-$hitfaced, blithering idiot style). He was different. I come from a small town with a lot of rednecks (country folk with little education) and he was 2 seats down talking to some guy about some really intensely intellectual topics. His voice is very deep, booming. It commands an audience. He's a man's man. He's great looking. He's got a tight bod and is strong. Muscular. He's affable, funny, has a great personality. The guy he was talking with paid his tab and left. And now thunder voice and I are there, alone, seats apart. He says towards me... "Hey, what are you doing?" I was texting on my phone... so, I was very original with my response, "I'm... texting..." He laughed. We started talking. A few minutes into our deeply philosophical and personal conversation he mentions how he HATES SMOKERS (don't recall how that came up). So, of course, in true form, I stood up "well, I'm going to smoke." He asked if he could join me. Sure, why not... come sit in a cloud of smoke, which you hate... He actually popped in some chewing tobacco (snuff). What do I care? I'm chugging on a cancer stick.

Our conversation turned to our kids, how we are both single parents, and the crap our exes put us through and what led us to where we are today. It was a pretty personal conversation. We both enjoyed it.

We go back inside, he asks if I'll come to his house with him.. says he's very proud of it. I was like, um... I don't know you... and I'm not going to have sex with you (seems in this town most of the women who sit at a bar alone are looking to hook up.. I'm the exception). He gets up to go to the potty and I ask the bartender (who thunder voice had several convos with) if he knew this guy and what he thought about him going to his crib. Bartender says he's a regular and is a good guy. Stupidly, drunkenly, I follow dude to his house. It's BEAUTIFUL. Well decorated (by him), very manly... very clean, actually (odd to find that in a bachelor pad). We hung out, talked, and hugged before I left. It was a nice interaction. We exchanged business cards.

He texted me the next day, asking if we could go on a date. I said sure. That Saturday we met up and went to a really nice restaurant. He was by far the most talkative man I've ever been with (quite full of himself..). I somehow was able to interject that while we were just hanging out, having fun, my goal is to have a long-term, stable relationship. I explained that for 2 decades I had undiagnosed hyperthyroidism, and since I had my thyroid remove the previous year, most of my anxiety, paranoia, tachycardia, etc had melted away. Thyroid was mainly the root cause to most of my problems over the years (so I thought) and now...

[ Continued ]