It's easy to look back at my failed relationships and pinpoint when things went wrong. It's sad.. I've had guys actually want to marry me (why, oh why? i'm cray!). I just push and push and push, and then pull, and push, and the go off the deep end "You're crazy, I'm out!!!" I feel justified for the way it played out, after all...it was *him* who had issues that waved the flags... I just happened to see them finally...right?

I dated a lot of "losers," though... derelicts with little life direction, little motivation, party boys, f#ck boys, etc. It's easy to date those guys... knowing nothing more *can* come of it. Start out avoiding the actual and just have a pal to party with, go out with, maybe watch some movies, have some sex... then peace out when/if it becomes uncomfortable and neither party is really worried about it. It was just "fun."

But then I meet someone I really connect with. While there are red flags... they tend to be the kind that OTHER PEOPLE (aka, non-avoidant peeps), would work through/around. Do I just lack the ability to do so?

For instance, I met a guy on Leap Day (Feb 29th) this year... at a bar... of course (that's where I get my social interaction, half-$hitfaced, blithering idiot style). He was different. I come from a small town with a lot of rednecks (country folk with little education) and he was 2 seats down talking to some guy about some really intensely intellectual topics. His voice is very deep, booming. It commands an audience. He's a man's man. He's great looking. He's got a tight bod and is strong. Muscular. He's affable, funny, has a great personality. The guy he was talking with paid his tab and left. And now thunder voice and I are there, alone, seats apart. He says towards me... "Hey, what are you doing?" I was texting on my phone... so, I was very original with my response, "I'm... texting..." He laughed. We started talking. A few minutes into our deeply philosophical and personal conversation he mentions how he HATES SMOKERS (don't recall how that came up). So, of course, in true form, I stood up "well, I'm going to smoke." He asked if he could join me. Sure, why not... come sit in a cloud of smoke, which you hate... He actually popped in some chewing tobacco (snuff). What do I care? I'm chugging on a cancer stick.

Our conversation turned to our kids, how we are both single parents, and the crap our exes put us through and what led us to where we are today. It was a pretty personal conversation. We both enjoyed it.

We go back inside, he asks if I'll come to his house with him.. says he's very proud of it. I was like, um... I don't know you... and I'm not going to have sex with you (seems in this town most of the women who sit at a bar alone are looking to hook up.. I'm the exception). He gets up to go to the potty and I ask the bartender (who thunder voice had several convos with) if he knew this guy and what he thought about him going to his crib. Bartender says he's a regular and is a good guy. Stupidly, drunkenly, I follow dude to his house. It's BEAUTIFUL. Well decorated (by him), very manly... very clean, actually (odd to find that in a bachelor pad). We hung out, talked, and hugged before I left. It was a nice interaction. We exchanged business cards.

He texted me the next day, asking if we could go on a date. I said sure. That Saturday we met up and went to a really nice restaurant. He was by far the most talkative man I've ever been with (quite full of himself..). I somehow was able to interject that while we were just hanging out, having fun, my goal is to have a long-term, stable relationship. I explained that for 2 decades I had undiagnosed hyperthyroidism, and since I had my thyroid remove the previous year, most of my anxiety, paranoia, tachycardia, etc had melted away. Thyroid was mainly the root cause to most of my problems over the years (so I thought) and now that that was out of the way, I was ready to try again... the dating game... to see if I had changed (ha). He said that he, too, is looking for a LTR and that was cool. By the end of the night we hit it off so well, we decided we'd go on future dates. I told him all my issues. ALL OF THEM. There's no way he could walk into this blindly. I told him he'd be my guinea pig/tester. I told my therapist about him and she was elated that I found someone to connect with.

We had sex soon after (and that left me in tears... I wanted to get to know a person before hopping in the sack... didn't want a repeat of "sex is great, I must stay!"). I told him not to contact me again. He did, anyway, and once I cooled down, I was like look man I am not a slut and I don't want this to be about sex. He assured me it wasn't. We went out again. And again. And soon enough, thick as thieves.

He displayed some insecurity and possessiveness within the first couple of months. Heck, I liked it. Most guys (as I said, I had a penchant for dating guys who weren't emotionally available) didn't act like they gave two hoots. It was nice. I felt appreciated and...liked? We soon found ourselves enmeshed in limerence and lust and infatuation. That began to turn into the first stages of love (so I guess... I'm terrible at this stuff, remember?). He was "addicted" to me, so he said..which that threw up a red flag... I mean, addiction isn't love. But our personalities were so perfect together. He's the only guy I've met who could rival me in my depth/breadth of musical knowledge. We bantered and had witty and insightful conversations... philosophical pondering of the mysteries of the universe. We just went like peas and carrots. He's the perfect height for me. He's adorable. Great body (I know, I know, this is superficial, but it only adds to the attraction). Great laugh. Very intelligent. Raised in the same town as I was and we knew a lot of the same people/circles. Things were just going...swimmingly.

And then we decided after a few months that we'd let our kids meet at the park sometime. Not one to include my kid in a revolving door of men, and this being the first relationship I had been in since her father (nearly 3 years prior), I was trying to be cautious. We were just "friends." We didn't act affectionate toward one another or anything. We just let the kids do what kids do. It went well. Eventually we progressed into having lunches and dinners with the kids from time to time. My daughter would ask me often when we'd see his kids next, and vice versa.

Herein comes the "red flags."

He's 8 years my junior. I'm decent looking for being almost 41. Most people (literally, everywhere I have to show ID..they think it's a fake). Most people think I'm in my late 20s or early 30s. BUT... I see the changes in the lines in my face, the droop in certain body parts, the cellulite, etc... radical changes that I SEE that have occurred in just the past 2 years. 20+ years of smoking and drinking have taken their toll and are just now starting to show up. I have had a problem with the age difference ever since. I don't want anyone to see me wither up and die. It's a HUGE ISSUE for me. I don't want someone I love to see me like that. So dating someone 8 years my junior was just stupid to start with. I *hoped* I'd be able to overlook it. Not so much. I mentioned it regularly as time went on. He went so far as to find guys he worked with who had older (8 or more years older) wives and asked them how it was going and the guys were super happy. He'd bring me these tidbits like a puppy with a newspaper, tail-a-waggin'... look what I found!? Sweet... but didn't change my thoughts. My thoughts actually turned to anxiety. Strike 1 against the guinea pig idea.

Strike 2. He's not quite that good at being a dad. He takes care of their needs, but he is easily annoyed, perturbed, and embarrassed by his toddlers. Even so much so that in public "SON, YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME." C'mon man. The kid is 2 years old. And that's shoving negative ideas in his head at such a young age... he's a kid, chill out.

Strike 3. We have differing views on discipline. He goes to beating the butt, when I try to talk it out, time out, etc (which works well for my daughter...while only 2.5 years old, she is advanced and we have full blown conversations so she understands when I relate things to her as to why we do/don't do certain things).

Strike 4. He and his baby mama have CONSTANT DRAMA. She went so far as to say "have fun with your new family you mother f#cker!" via text on a night she knew we were together. She also texted a pic of a woman's shirt and asked why he sent it in the kids' laundry. He doesn't send laundry home with them.. she was just trying to instigate stuff. I can only tolerate so much. I began to see that this would be a long term disruptor for us... she obviously still has affection for him, or can't stand to see him happy...either way, she's going to sabotage whatever she can. She got his daughter to say to me "daddy has 2 girlfriends." It was obvious where that came from. What 3-year old is going to say that? Besides, with his work schedule, he had zero time to see anyone else. We were up each others' arses CONSTANTLY. Any waking moment... and for me to trust someone like that, is a huge thing, so I will just say, there wasn't anyone else.

Strike 5. He buys his kids' affection and feeds them junk. Each time they go somewhere, they get a toy or gift purchased. I don't want my kid growing up with that mentality. She doesn't beg for toys when we go to stores. She simply looks up and down the aisles and points to things but never asks me to buy her anything. Also, my daughter rarely gets sweets (that's what grandparents are for!) and rarely junk food. She gets wholesome meals MOST of the time. I don't want to set her life's weight at this young of an age. If she decides to junk out when she's in her teens, that's on her... but not now. Kids develop most of their fat cells by the age of 4, so I'm keeping her on a balanced diet so she doesn't suffer from lifelong weight issues or diabetes, etc.

Strike 6. His mom still maintains most of his stuff for him and reminds him to do things. It suddenly became me dictating and reminding him to do things that he would still "forget" to do. "I have a terrible memory!" is a poor excuse to me. With today's technology, there are myriad ways to keep track of things.

Strike 7. He told me that if he and I don't work out, he'd go back to his ex (baby mama). That sent me reeling. What the actual F##K? Who says that? He LEFT HER, why would he GO BACK? Why say that to me? Okay, Okay, I did tell him several times I didn't think we could be long term due to the age difference... so I planted the seed of doubt in his mind, but c'mon...why say that to me?

Strike 8. I had major "female" surgery and couldn't lift anything for 5 weeks, minimum. My lawn overgrew for 3 weeks (I mow it weekly typically). He didn't even offer to help mow it, or anything... he would come over and hang out for hours but not do anything around my house. I didn't ask, either... but, I felt a true gentleman would have offered. I finally pulled the lawnmower out myself, despite doctor's orders, and he rolled up when I was half done with the lawn. He jumped out and took over. Maybe this is insignificant... or is it?

Strike 9. His son is violent. He's almost 3. The first time my daughter came to his house, he immediately walked up to her and put his hand around her throat. I took care of that IMMEDIATELY. No one touches my baby like that! He also cannot speak much... he squeaks when he tries and gets REALLY frustrated. I explained that a simple trip to a speech therapist would determine if treatment was needed and if it is, it would greatly diminish the little guy's frustration and possibly even anger/violent tendencies! Their latest babysitter said she would no longer watch their kids, either, due to the little boy's violence.

Anyway. Okay now that I type all these out, it seems like I have a pretty good foothold on why I broke it off. But I keep wondering... is this just part of my disorder? Am I putting things on a list that other people would work through? Are these things work-through-able? I've done this with nearly every guy I've dated... "He didn't do this... He did do that." No one ever measures up and break up, go back, break up, go back, until the guy is just DONE. I fell in love with this guy. Or did I? Do I even know what love is? Was it ever more than infatuation?

He said he doesn't think I'm capable of loving a man. He's probably right. How would I know? I guess perhaps being nearly 41 and never married speaks to that.

Am I being schizo or are these valid points? I just want to live an uncomplicated life (as much as possible) and it seems these things I pointed out are just deal breakers! I don't want drama with my kid or someone else's ex. I also look at it like t his.. if his ex were to perish (God forbid any such thing, kids need their mama), and he and I were full-time together, those kids would become "mine" - so to speak. If the little boy's violence isn't curbed and he becomes some sadistic machine when he's older, my kid is going to take the brunt of it. And most likely me...

IDK. Maybe I'm just flat-out crazy. Cray Cray all Day Day!

No I think there were areas of concern, sweets.