I wrote Dylan a letter and gave it to him. I wrote the letter last night, and had to rewrite it a few times to make sure it looked right, it wasn't too long, and that it wasn't passive aggressive or even manipulative. I told him I had a crush on him, but that it was only because I'm a starry eyed person. I told him I liked him mostly because he was nice to me, exceptionally attractive, but also because I knew very little about him, so my mind felt entitled to make me think he had everything I need.

I never told him I was going to give him the note, but he said thank you when I gave it to him. Earlier today, I decided it would be a good idea to feign a conversion disorder that left me unable to talk. Unfortunately for that fantasy, he asked me if I needed him to open the building when he first saw me and I answered. I feel control when I dissent silently. I spoke so easily because I feel no control in the relationship. I tend to be quiet around people I feel secure with. I like the allure of silence. What a revelation!

I'm going to chill on the pot for a while. I became aware of a telepathic connection between my reflection and me and that was too much. It was really just me being more aware of everything I say to myself, but still.

Anyway, Dylan went into the cafeteria and I smoked another cigarette and fantasized about how nervous I was, and if I could get nervous enough to puke and if I did, how I could do it glamorously. Also, as a note, when I was stoned on Saturday night, I got in the shower and started purging myself because I encourage the archetype of beautiful disaster. When I was talking to my reflection, she told me to cut my face with a razor so I could get concern. I was able to abstain from that. I am really intrigued by all these dark impulses! It's like, I know I always have these ideas, but marijuana ups their dopamine value so you actually find yourself considering these things as if they were legitimate ideas.

I went all weekend without eating anything. I got some liquid calories but still. I love how tragic that is. I'm proud of myself because I don't get the munchies when I'm high. I felt my collar bones today for the first time in a while, and they feel almost dislocated they're so prominent. This might sound sinister, but I'm happy! I'm not anorexic because I have one meal a day, and I see myself as thin. I do sometimes have to take a step back and look at my whole body so I don't enlarge my stomach with my eyes, but I don't see myself as "fat". I worry other people do.

I saw Dylan in the cafeteria and tried to tell him to keep the note a secret, but he had his music in. I called him and left a message. Now it's time to let go. He knows how I feel, whatever potential there is has to arise. Never die for someone who doesn't have a fever for you.

Yesterday I was particularly upset about Dylan. I felt like I was a robot. I didn't care about anything except being sad. I decided it wasn't best to be alone for these feelings, so I went to the student union but didn't talk to anyone. I did do some reading. I then came back home and decided to pick a specific kind of guy to like that Dylan isn't a part of. I chose Arabs. Then I was like,"Why Arabs?"

I love Arab psychiatrists. They're my favorite. But on a more personal level, last semester I had a pseudo-attempt. My RA saw the cut and told someone about it, but other than that no one said anything about the huge gash on my arm. Then there was, let's call him Gio. When he saw it, he asked what happened and I told him.

"Why did you do that!? Don't do that! If you did that, I would come to the afterlife and kill you again."

and that was the sweetest thing anyone's said to me in a long time. I sent Gio a text thanking him for that, because I never told him how I appreciated it, and now he goes to school elsewhere, and he responded and we had a very positive conversation that lifted my mood up a ton. He called me buddy when he...

[ Continued ]

I think I'm more upset about the death of my grandmother than I wanted to accept or admit. She died in January, and only then did I realize how well she really knew me. I feel like she was the only person to love me unconditionally.

I think I expressed my grief through trying to replace her with my crush, causing me to be obsessive. I do that a lot. Try to replace people.

When I was stoned, I was prowling about my building and I saw my crush's roommate. I asked if my crush was home and he said he didn't know. He then went where he'd been going and I eaves dropped the conversation, where it was made clear to me that he knows I have a crush on him.

And I think he's been avoiding me. I want to see him, but even then, I'm torn between calling him out and pretending nothing's up, or trying to do both. I guess I'm okay with the possibility of nothing ever happening between us, but I despise the feeling of being the only one to get hurt.

And it's so hard to stay away from him, or to avoid situations where interaction is possible. I think I see him more when I'm not trying, though.

I don't know if this means anything, but he has the same eyes as my grandmother. I didn't notice that until I hypothesized that he may be her replacement in my mind.

I wish I could explain it to him, that I'm just dealing with stress I don't even realize is there.

I wish I would have a day that was phenomenal. I need one.

Weed gives all of your thoughts and ideas the same amount of reward via dopamine. People who trip out on weed are afraid of what they will do without complete control--they fear the wrong thoughts will manifest in the wrong behavior.

But in people who can adjust to weed, there is subconscious trust in the ability of the personality to make the right choice. Those who trip out are conflicted between self-loathing and fulfilling the wishes of others.

I have such good ideas when I'm high because I ignore a lot of quality ideas when I'm sober in favor of what will fulfill my wishes with the least amount of irrelevant effort.

When I'm high I can also rake through thoughts I avoid when sober. Before my sober mind can realize the thoughts are not that scary, my brain opts out of thinking about it, resulting in generalized triggers that inspire these repressed thoughts.

Repression is the process of rating how useful a memory is, using dopamine. A score of zero means there is no reward, meaning the information gets forgotten. A score of 10 means the memory is highly stimulating and the individual is preoccupied with the thought.

-5 means the memory threatens nervous system reaction, so the mind avoids the thought.

-10 means the memory triggers nervous system reaction (panic attacks, acute psychosis, etc).

A score of 5 means the thought is stimulating, but it is not an obsession. The thought inspires curiosity.

If a -5 cannot be avoided, it will probably become a -10

Repression is the process of taking a memory from around -5 to 0 or 01 without the passage of time or the resolution of conflict.

Dissociation is the process of taking a memory from at least -5 to 00.

00 is to denote memories that cannot be accessed, the patient cannot remember or be reminded.

01 is to denote memories that seem retrievable but that are denied.

-0 is to denote memories that are only retrievable in the presentation of alternate identities.

+0 is to denote memories only retrievable through hypnosis or drug use.

I got high the night I originally said I would begin these reports, but it was another bad trip. I remember my memory glitching out, and me just saying, very starkly "It's happening again".

It was not nearly as uncomfortable as the first trip, however. I thought I had trouble sleeping because my tongue wouldn't listen to me when I told it to stop moving and making my mouth dry. It was like I thought my tongue was independent of me.

But I think I got more sleep than I thought I did, I just couldn't remember sleeping, so I would assume it hadn't happened. I once woke up 5 hours after I had last checked the time and believed I'd been laying in bed that whole time.

The next day I was still having a lot of dissociative effects. I had a meeting with my success coach and at one point my memory glitched again. I was still able to contribute to the conversation but the feeling made me feel panicked so I left, though I later found the meeting would have only been between 8 and 13 minutes. I felt like I had been in a trance for like 20 minutes.

I think I am more prone to having bad trips when I smoke with someone I don't genuinely trust, even if I act like we're best friends. I smoked with a hot guy before this and did perfectly fine, and then the next day I got stoned with my legit best friend and it was super fun. We watched a documentary about the dark secret lives of celebrities. It talked about the illuminati and satanism and stuff. It was perfect for our states of mind.

Yesterday I smoked for a bit with my friend and then when she left I went to my car to smoke another bowl by myself. I took one hit and it was so strong I knew I was gone. I then went up to the third floor of my building, and that's where my crush lives. Sometimes when I'm high, I forget to call the elevator and end up waiting a long time until I realize I didn't push the button. So I took advantage of this awareness in me and sat down across the room from the elevator. I was hoping he'd come out and ask me what I was doing, and I'd say waiting for the elevator. He'd be like "You didn't push the button" and I'd be like "What" and he'd realize I'm high and I'd entertain him.

He never came out, but it was when I was sitting there that I realized I was fxcking gone. I then went to the elevator and got on it. I felt like it was stopping on every floor.

I then went to my room for a bit and took some notes on what helps me have a good trip like this one.

With reality, all that matters is that something happens. The first time I smoked, I felt the dissociation and feared my behavior would be very bad. But now I've realized my mind is just slowed down. For the most part, I will react to things the same way I would when sober. The thoughts I think when high are the same things I consider when sober, and I still usually choose the same things.

I also made a really interesting system of memory assessment, to gauge the processes of repression and dissociation and trauma.

I've been puzzling for a while about why some people end up alone. What I want more than anything is to be loved, so the knowledge that some people end up alone was terrifying.

I recently have had the idea that some people are not oriented towards love. Love is nice to most everyone, but some people do not place it as their ultimate goal. I think love is one of probably many life orientations. Some people want adventure, some people desire success.

These are all abstract words. To someone seeking love, love is an adventure and to be loved is to be a success. To someone seeking adventure, they are in love with discovery, and to learn a lot is to be successful. To someone seeking success, the thrill of achievement is an adventure, and they are in love with affecting the world.

To someone seeking adventure, falling in love with another person is not essential. It may enhance or deride their experience.

I think people who want love the most will find it. I think people always actualize their life orientation.