I think I'm more upset about the death of my grandmother than I wanted to accept or admit. She died in January, and only then did I realize how well she really knew me. I feel like she was the only person to love me unconditionally.

I think I expressed my grief through trying to replace her with my crush, causing me to be obsessive. I do that a lot. Try to replace people.

When I was stoned, I was prowling about my building and I saw my crush's roommate. I asked if my crush was home and he said he didn't know. He then went where he'd been going and I eaves dropped the conversation, where it was made clear to me that he knows I have a crush on him.

And I think he's been avoiding me. I want to see him, but even then, I'm torn between calling him out and pretending nothing's up, or trying to do both. I guess I'm okay with the possibility of nothing ever happening between us, but I despise the feeling of being the only one to get hurt.

And it's so hard to stay away from him, or to avoid situations where interaction is possible. I think I see him more when I'm not trying, though.

I don't know if this means anything, but he has the same eyes as my grandmother. I didn't notice that until I hypothesized that he may be her replacement in my mind.

I wish I could explain it to him, that I'm just dealing with stress I don't even realize is there.

I wish I would have a day that was phenomenal. I need one.