At least that's the conclusion I've come to.

Whenever people tell you to "be yourself" they either mean be happy with who you are, what you're interested in or they mean don't care what other people think about you. Or both at the same time. Depends who you ask. Regardless, everyone who uses the quote "be yourself, everyone else is taken" are so proud of themselves. Perhaps they think they're being original when about 9000 other people said it first. Or they genuinely want to pass along a positive message.

It's not really a great message all the time though. In order for me to be happy with myself I have to accept that I'm this cynical, pessimistic screw-up just waiting to die. And I have to be happy with that. Or something or the other. I'd have to accept that I'll always be this little wallflower who'll never stick out from the crowd or who could never do anything that could make me stick out from a crowd. I'll have to settle for blending in and letting everything pass me by and never achieving what it is that I want to. I'll have to settle for being mediocre.

See that isn't gonna ever work though. I can't be myself in order to achieve anything that I want to. I have to be someone else. Not in the sense that I have to go from being nice to being mean. Nothing like that. But I have to change from being shy to talkative. From hating myself to (at the least) liking myself. From keeping everything to myself to just not caring and putting my opinions out there. That literally means being a completely different person. Because if I'm to be like that then I'm not being like I am now. Then I'm not being myself. Therefore that's why I say that "being myself" is a terrible idea.

I don't know how to go about changing myself. Because see willpower can only go so far. And the positive self talk can only go so far. Generally I dislike optimism...or rather I dislike too much of it. It depresses me. I don't understand optimistic people in general. They confuse me. But that's besides the point. But in order to be a different me I have to be optimistic don't I? So then I have to understand the importance of optimism don't I?

Heh...I really don't get this whole being human deal...it's way too confusing...

Really the only thing in life I think I'm good at is art. It's the only thing I ever really get compliments on. I'm overweight, not the best looking, I'm just average when it comes to school. While I'm not the best artist out there (nowhere near it) still people like what I draw...

But I draw as a means of catering to other people mostly. Whether it's drawing nostalgic fan art, commissions, art trades, or homework, I rarely draw for myself anymore. None of my original characters...no personal pieces...most of my ideas of pictures just stay tucked inside my brain. Either because the story they have to tell I feel is too personal and I don't know if I want to put it out there. Or because the message behind it is way too dark. Or because the message it has is one that I just don't feel that strongly about anymore.

I've been wondering though it it would be good to just draw them and put what I think out there anyways. Not only because I just believe my voice should be heard too, but because it might be a good form of therapy to me. Writing helps me. I don't see why drawing wouldn't too. When it comes to art, I'm not used to putting my personal voice out there. I just draw cutesy stuff and fan art. If I come up with some painting about how I don't believe that world peace is an obtainable goal or how my personal inner demons affect me, I just don't know how people would take that. I shouldn't care what people think. After all, I'm entitled to believe whatever I wish to. I usually don't share my beliefs/feelings on more personal or serious topics unless I know that the person I'm talking to won't belittle me for having them.

Regardless, let me pick up a pencil and attempt to draw something yet again. At least I wanna do thumbnail sketches to get these images on paper...

Usually I just start loathing myself after I make some sort of mistake in my life. Whether that means something minor like messing up a drawing or something major like not being able to fight off my addiction as well as I should.

But I realized a few things today. Really getting upset, angry, and all self-loathing isn't going to do anything about any situations. Really it's just going to end up making things worse and driving you further into what you dislike. Thus starting this chain of events that'll end up making you feel horrible about yourself.

I already mentioned my issues plenty of times earlier here. My personal sexual addiction as well as some problems that I'm having with it as a result of being away from home. Being unable to fight off those feelings all the time I just ended up giving in to them. And instead of feeling bad about it I learned a few things about myself that I don't think I really figured out before and can maybe help me get over this in time:

1) I dislike masturbating. It's something that only momentarily makes me feel good but afterward there's nothing. It's something selfish and short done solely to satisfy a bodily desire that really doesn't need nor deserve that satisfaction. It can also be readily ignored when you're given some sort of task to do. Nor is it that satisfying as I'm very well aware that sex is something to be enjoyed between loving partners. Alone it really isn't that great.

2) Masturbating isn't my main problem. It's the chatting. There's very few people I can talk to online either jokingly or seriously that will talk to me without getting into sexual stuff. And that's my fault mostly. 'Cause I realize I bring it up a lot and that's why people wanna talk. But if I don't want to, I usually end up doing so anyways. It's what I really need to get rid of doing but for some reason I would find it very difficult...but it is something that I need to do. Get rid of the types that only want to talk about sex or role play. If people wanna still talk with me without getting into those things that's fine, but the role play chatting does need to stop in order for me to really move on.

3) No more porn either. This one's a bit easier to cut out but usually is harder for me to resist when I decide I don't want to chat or there's no one for me to chat with.

All of these things are kinda common sense and have been told to me before but they kinda just hit me harder today. Nothing I wanna get done in life is gonna get done if I'm completely fixated on sex. Which would be sad. I've got tons of things I plan to do but if I give in to my addiction any further then those things would never get done...So one step at a time, gonna take things slow and see how they work out. But I'm not gonna cry over my mistakes anymore. I shouldn't. They're pretty much my fault anyways. Only thing left to do is to work to fix it.

Despite the fact that I don't really have anything to talk about. As usual, one day something can be bothering me so much, and the next (while the same thing might be bothering me), it almost feels like I can accept that I've made a mistake and then accept that I'll try not to make more (even though I know that I will make more). Though if I'm so accepting that I'll make mistakes in some areas of life, why am I such a "perfectionist" when it comes to my career path? 'Tis something I'll never understand I suppose.

While I don't like talking to blank space, it's still better than keeping thoughts pinned up in my head. I'd prefer to hold a conversation with people, but when people I trust to share my thoughts with aren't available to talk, a blog is the next best thing...or a journal of any kind. Preferably the kind that isn't written in a notebook for anyone to find, pick up, and read. Though, putting it on the internet's kind of the same exact thing. So I should rephrase that to say "putting my thoughts somewhere that people in my family can't find out about...so easily".

In actuality I don't really have anything to write about...I just felt like I should write. So I did...Kinda wish I had someone to talk to just for conversation. It's too late to call friends back home. Plus I'll be debating going to bed soon anyways. Until then, I guess I'll attempt to draw something. Hasn't really worked much for the past couple...weeks. Don't really know why it would work now...

So my aim was to not give in to my desire to masturbate for the duration of the time that I'm away. But...unfortunately I didn't make it the full 8 weeks. Last night my desire got the best of me and I gave in. Though I'm wasn't in a position to do so in a manner that I usually do, I somehow found the way to give in to that desire without making it known that I was. Or at least I hope I didn't. I'm not happy with the fact that I did. It's a behavior that I just don't like taking out of my own bedroom...

This is really the first time that I've really felt that my masturbation thing was a problem. Usually at home I'll give in about once or twice a week. It doesn't affect my schoolwork or my social life or what I personally wish to do. So on a general basis I really don't want to call it an addiction. Usually what defines an addiction is that it has a destructive force on your life. Or that's what I thought. But...within this past week, I figure it's anything you personally feel you can't live without. And that's what I've typically come to realize. My body's grown accustomed to masturbating and if I go a long time without it, it begins to crave it. What's worse is my love/hate relationship with the feeling. I love the feeling itself and the sexual thoughts...I hate the guilt I have from allowing my body to get the best of me and the guilt I have from allowing myself to enjoy feeling like a object.

All I rely on is will power really to curb my desire. Will power generally fails me time and time again. But it's a nice starting point I suppose. And I've been trying to distract myself. I went out for a few hours today, walked around and saw a movie so I wasn't on the computer all day. Problem is I can't stay out all day. I came back a little before 5 and don't plan on sleeping until around 10. Tomorrow I shouldn't have much of a problem as I'll be busy with work. Same with Thursday...but for the other 5 days of the week I have very little to do other than mindlessly walk around I suppose. Keeping myself busy is a great way to keep my mind off of sex, but I have very little to keep myself busy with.

So I'm left feeling incredibly weak and frustrated. On one hand it's easy to say to get help. Though to get that help I'd have to go through my parents. I would be terrified of telling them what I'm feeling or going through. I'm completely stuck and don't know what to do...

I'd never thought I'd say this but I think I'd rather have kept up feeling depressed like I was the first two weeks rather than have to go through this right now...