So my aim was to not give in to my desire to masturbate for the duration of the time that I'm away. But...unfortunately I didn't make it the full 8 weeks. Last night my desire got the best of me and I gave in. Though I'm wasn't in a position to do so in a manner that I usually do, I somehow found the way to give in to that desire without making it known that I was. Or at least I hope I didn't. I'm not happy with the fact that I did. It's a behavior that I just don't like taking out of my own bedroom...

This is really the first time that I've really felt that my masturbation thing was a problem. Usually at home I'll give in about once or twice a week. It doesn't affect my schoolwork or my social life or what I personally wish to do. So on a general basis I really don't want to call it an addiction. Usually what defines an addiction is that it has a destructive force on your life. Or that's what I thought. But...within this past week, I figure it's anything you personally feel you can't live without. And that's what I've typically come to realize. My body's grown accustomed to masturbating and if I go a long time without it, it begins to crave it. What's worse is my love/hate relationship with the feeling. I love the feeling itself and the sexual thoughts...I hate the guilt I have from allowing my body to get the best of me and the guilt I have from allowing myself to enjoy feeling like a object.

All I rely on is will power really to curb my desire. Will power generally fails me time and time again. But it's a nice starting point I suppose. And I've been trying to distract myself. I went out for a few hours today, walked around and saw a movie so I wasn't on the computer all day. Problem is I can't stay out all day. I came back a little before 5 and don't plan on sleeping until around 10. Tomorrow I shouldn't have much of a problem as I'll be busy with work. Same with Thursday...but for the other 5 days of the week I have very little to do other than mindlessly walk around I suppose. Keeping myself busy is a great way to keep my mind off of sex, but I have very little to keep myself busy with.

So I'm left feeling incredibly weak and frustrated. On one hand it's easy to say to get help. Though to get that help I'd have to go through my parents. I would be terrified of telling them what I'm feeling or going through. I'm completely stuck and don't know what to do...

I'd never thought I'd say this but I think I'd rather have kept up feeling depressed like I was the first two weeks rather than have to go through this right now...