Yesterday he didn't reply to my texts. I also tried phoning him but he didn't pick up. I get the hint. He's mad (understandably so). I will leave the poor bloke alone.

Recently, I've been grappling with the possibility that I may have traits of NPD as well as BPD, but on balance, I've decided no. I don't have NPD, because I can certainly feel the emotions of others very acutely. I can feel Russian's pain right now, almost as if he was sitting next to me. I can feel his fear at losing his daughter, his anger and disgust at me, and his confusion over what to do next. Narcissists do not empathise, whereas I empathise so much it hurts. I feel deeply for Russian and miss him so much.

Here's how my first day of No Contact with him went:

9am: Woke up. Felt melancholy lying in a dark room in bed on my own (we'd normally sleep together most nights). I flick through a dating app on my phone, forcing myself to reply to some of the men, then drag my sorry ass out of bed.

11.30am: Working on my laptop in bed because it's cold. Wonder what he's upto. Feel a pang of tearfulness. I miss him terribly. Feel a heavy, throbbing sensation in my chest. Have visions of texting, emailing, phoning him. Must resist.

12.30am: Feeling a little more positive now. I've been talking to friends on Facebook, and messaging potential suitors on the dating sites. Also have guzzled green tea which tends to help my mood. Beginning to think, "Screw Him" (There's that lovely splitting).

1.30pm: Buzzing thanks to green tea, which is helping my mood. Also arranged 2 dates with some guys from internet dating, which has somewhat pacified the BPD fear of being alone. I'm filling my diary so I have someplace to be every day. Still thinking of Russian and have caught myself checking my phone for signs of contact. None what-so-ever. Slight temptation to contact him but I will stay strong. He needs space to calm down before there's a chance that he'll even want to be my friend (doubtful I know, but hey).

2.15pm: Ooops, caught myself fantasising about him.

2.30pm: Received a text. My heart leaped. It was bloody spam. Still NC from Russian. No problem as I'm in the zone with my work. Also arranged another date bringing the total to 3 so far. Must try harder.

3pm: Bloody loved-up couples on Facebook inadvertently reminding me of happier times with Russian. fml. PLEASE tomorrow be easier than this.

3.30pm: Caught myself typing him an email but will NOT send it today. The process was therapeutic however.

5-6pm: Gym class. My first in around a month! It was TOUGH but it boosted my mood and optimism. Also spied a few fit men on my way home.

7pm: Feeling tearful now. It's dark. It's lonely. I wish I were cuddled up to him. This is such a struggle. I cling to the knowledge that it WILL get easier as my attachment to him loosens, but right now my pain is red-raw. I've read through the email I wrote earlier and redrafted it (to make it less dramatic, more calm and dignified). The process of redrafting has helped to pacify me significantly.

9pm: Still lonely. Binge-watching Big Bang theory with my kitten till I fall asleep. Russian didn't like this show, so now's my chance. Nighty-night.