So I recall I was told by my 'case manager'/counselor person to write down a list of my triggers, or at least the ones I know of. For all I know, this is probably a short list, or it could turn out to be a long list.

Oh, and this is supposed to be my 'anger', 'anxiety/panic' triggers.

PEOPLE TRIGGERS
* Yelling At Me
* Yelling Near Me
* Rudeness / Pushy
* Cell Phones / Tablets @ Table Or During Sit Down Eating
* Screaming Kids
* [Humble] Bragging
* Lying
* Threatening/Harassing Me +
* Threatening/Harassing My Family +
* Threatening/Harassing My Dog +
* Poor Driving

PLACE TRIGGERS
* Bridges / Heights
* Confined Spaces
* Groups / Crowds

That's at least what I've gathered thus far. Others usually come and go and I can't really comment on them because they're gone before I can even rationalize it.

I'm also using this to further recall what I put, in case I need to add on to it.

I wasn't sure how to label this entry, so it is what it is.

Today was a fairly 'normal' day for me, even though I woke up with the middle of my back sore as heck from sleeping wrong (it happens off and on, wake up with a kink in one body part or another). Felt fairly stable overall.

Of course, having nothing really to do, I thought about something. I've noticed that I start feeling a warm feeling around my sternum/stomach area, it also happens to feel like anxiety building up. Most of the time I can keep it under control, sometimes it's more difficult.

I don't get to see my person until the 4th, so here is to hoping that 'breathing to keep me calm' works as per my 'homework'.

Although, I also have to write a list of my 'triggers'. I know of a couple, but she says the list can be as short or as long as I can make it.

So I don't really blog, because I don't really like talking about myself. It's something that almost feels like it's not me being able to control it, but I'm going to try.

So for basic information, if anyone cares to follow along:

Male, 36, Gay, HIV+, Diagnosed ADD/ADHD, Panic/Anxiety, Non-Combat PTSD, Bipolar Disorder NOS.

So today, I had a chat with my, well, not sure what to call them. They're not a counselor, but a "Case Manager". They have little to no experience with the amount of crazy I've been holding back only on the fact that they are not a counselor or the like. I'm actually scared to even show it. I know that's not the right thing to do, but it's not something I have been able to help.

It's like screaming for it, but nothing coming out. Something you want to say, but your silenced. It's fear.

I know it's fear. I can feel it. Something that feels like it could overtake and stop me dead in my tracks. It lives inside me. It's not alone. Like all fear does, it has backup. Sadly, my fears have very valid backups. Secondary downside? I don't remember most of it.

Sure, I remember some traumatic events, and some of my past, but anything prior to my 15 years of age? It's so confused and boggled, that I can't remember if I was 15, or if I was 8, or even if it happened at all.

I'll be honest, I think it's a case of DID, but even then, with such, what do I do? I have no clue about if I should name them (honestly, I thought you only named things you wanted to keep?), if they are figments, or if even my logical side is as logical as I think it is and people are just agreeing out of pity or to shut me up.

So I guess you can say this is an AMA, and maybe it'll help me a bit to piece things together. If anything, it'll give me ideas to think about!

Right now, with my, um, person, I am to work on breathing and to write down 'triggers'.

This will be interesting, as I will post them to this blog here, and, hopefully, be able to continue such so that, if even one person can relate, or feel something from it, that it helps.