Thursday 14th March, 1pm
So it's been five hours since my golden resolution and already I've failed worse than even I expected. I was left alone in the house unexpectedly, and was confident that I'd be fine. The diet plan I'm supposed to be on has quite strict timings of when I am supposed to eat. But for some reason I thought I could just eat everything on the plan in one go because, well, I felt like it.
I've been curious lately as to find out why precisely it is that, even though it makes me miserable in the long term, it makes my mouth sore, it puts me in a foul mood, it cause me to stay alone in the house rather than spending time with friends, despite all these things I still binge/purge on anything I can find.
And the answer truthfully, has come to me this morning. It's just a habit. I sit and watch episodes of whatever series I'm watching on the computer, and if I'm not eating it feels wrong. When I'm studying if I don't have something to chew on it feels weird. And when I go to the bathroom if I don't purge it feels strange.
It's an emotional thing yes on some level, I'm sure...boredom always contributes. But more than that its the physical need to be either eating or vomiting. Right now, having just purged, I still feel like urge to be drinking or eating something. I'm about to make myself some comfort tea. Why do I always feel this need to be eating? It used to be that water or gum could do the trick but now it's gone too far. Even when I'm out with friends I spent a good majority of the time thinking about where and when we're getting food, what I'll have and even sneaky ways I can eat more without them noticing. I've even changed plans based around the possibility of using the bathroom afterwards.
This morning I was asked to do one thing - walk the dog. And I failed to do that because I was too busy preparing food for my binge. And I was so determined this morning!
Guess it's gonna take more than just determination. Guess I always knew that though. I've just go to break this habit. Wish me luck for the next post!
SunflowerGirl
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