Thursday 14th March, 7.36am

Day one of Battling Bulimia begins. Not that it’s my first day of the battle, not by a long shot, but it’s the first day I’ve decided to write this blog, and it’s a day I know has to make a difference. I’ve just got that feeling, you know, that from now on I’ve got to want to beat it. It’s like I have all the weapons, all the armour, and even the army behind me but I just can’t build up the courage to go over the top. So here goes.
If you’re reading this, you’re very welcome, but I warn you it’s more a personal task for me and might be boring as hell… I just put it up here because I thought that maybe if I have the knowledge someone else could see it, it’ll be less likely to turn into a long tale of self-loathing and failure.
I was going to start writing last night, but I’m going to start as I mean to continue and be brutally honest – last night I was distracted by a huge binge on cookies, cheese and crackers. Mum was hosting a meeting downstairs, and somehow between slipping into the kitchen to grab a cup of tea and returning to my room I managed to ruin a perfectly good day.
This morning – and all day yesterday actually – my mouth is in bits. I have little blisters on my tongue from spending such a large portion of the day purging on Tuesday. That’s the problem with being home alone. I don’t know why She (that’s what I call my ‘eating disorder’) takes so much satisfaction in being able to fool other people and get away with binge and purge episodes. I mean the only person really getting hurt is me, so who is She really trying to fool? Guess I’m trying to fool myself. It makes sense, I slip into this other personality that only has one goal in life, so by telling ‘myself’ all these lies and comfortings to make myself feel better She’s really just trying to get her own way. And I thought I had been making so much progress in recognising and controlling Her.
My diet plan is a simple one. I mean, it’s really not complicated. But my problem is I have never once actually followed it to the letter. I know it’s not supposed to be Set in Stone, but because of that risk of slight variability, I haven’t even tried. I mean, not really. How did I used to do it? I used to have so much control, everything was so measured, so careful. Not that I want to go back to being like that either, I just don’t understand how this eating thing has transformed my entire personality so much. And I always wondering why they call it a ‘happy medium.’
Well anyway here goes nothing.
I’m going to Germany tomorrow for a couple of days, so won’t be writing while I’m gone but here’s hoping that while I’m there and surrounded by people I won’t have the opportunity to binge as much. Maybe I’ll try to be normal for the weekend (ha!)
SunflowerGirl
x

So, I'm not usually the kind of person who writes a blog. I don't usually write anything; I tend to be more of a silent observer who looks at people's posts and comments, and thinks of replies that I'll never write. I don't really like giving advice, because I feel like a total hypocrite knowing that I won't follow it myself. But I always know exactly what I would say - what I should do.

Firstly, talking about it. No, I'm not a talker. My mother and my boyfriend know (a little) about my eating problems. My whole family knows that I lost a lot of weight a few years ago, but I guess they think the problems disappeared when I started gaining weight, rather than escalating into constant binge eating and severe bulimia. I don't like the idea of telling anyone what I'm going through. They won't understand - I hardly understand it myself - but worse, they'll be constantly watching and judging me. Out of concern, I understand, but still I can't do it. It would be admitting the problem I have.
So, maybe if I start actually writing about it, voicing my thoughts outwards rather than just keeping them to myself, that'll be change number one that will help me to recover.

I am addicted to food. It controls me all the time, I never stop thinking about it. I love eating. It distracts me from everything else, even my relationship is suffering as a result. My boyfriend is very supportive, loving, everything you'd want. But I can't be confident and happy in a relationship when I'm not happy with myself.
I hate the way I look. I'm not overweight, but I hate my shape. I hate my little bit of flab that sticks out of my lower belly. I can't walk around or be with people without holding my stomach in. I even suck my stomach in when I'm in the shower, or sitting alone at my desk. I hate that all I can think about is wanting to be thinner. I know that looks aren't everything. I know that my boyfriend loves me for who I am regardless of what I look like. But somehow, I still can't just accept that that's what I look like, and move on.
I have bulimia. Sometimes I purge 3 or 4 times a day; sometimes I go a few days without purging at all. But I have to stop it. It has to end. Now, or it never will. This blog will hopefully help me to focus on my task, and by writing about my actions and feelings, maybe I'll become more aware of habits that I need to break.

So I woke up this morning thinking I WILL NOT binge today, and I will NOT make myself sick. It's 2 o'clock, and here's what I've eaten

an apple
glass of orange juice
coffee

cup of tea
chocolate bar
handful of chocolate fingers
2 chocolate chip oatmeal cookies
fillet of salmon and 2 boiled potatoes with tomato chutney ('lunch')
handful of salad
3 huge spoons of peanut butter
scrapings of the jam jar
half a jar of nutella
handful of sunflower seeds
handful of walnuts
2 more chocolate oatmeal cookies

I haven't got sick, but I want to so badly. Just looking at that list makes me feel like a monster. And most days are much, much worse...
But maybe, with the knowledge that I'll be writing it out every day, I won't let myself eat so much junk. And maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to stop this ridiculous behaviour (eventually!!)

If anyone wants to PM me, please do. I'd love to have a buddy to talk to once in a while...
x