I feel I will never ever be understood.
My feelings and how I am is never validated by anyone.
Earlier on I spent hours on the floor in a ball crying my heart out pleading with God to help me. Battling suicidal thoughts. Trying not to harm myself by reminding myself how much I regret it afterwards.
But because apparently my life is so 'easy' that I don't have a right to feel that way. That is the thing that gets me more than anything.
My life is a daily STRUGGLE. A struggle to get out of bed, to take care of myself, to exist. To stay alive. Every day is a fight. I am constantly hurting. I am constantly in deep emotional pain that affects every moment of my life. How I wish I wasn't and how I wish I was different. How I wish I was stronger. How I wish and plead with God to make it stop. To make me well. To make the pain go away. And I already feel that it is my fault. I punish and punish and punish myself for being this person that I am.
And then on top of that, when I am breaking down I am told that I have no right to feel how I feel. That I have no right to be how I am. That my life is easy.
Nobody cares. Nobody understands.
I hate being so misunderstood. It hurts me so badly.
From my heart, I never ever wish to upset anybody or cause anyone any problems. I never wish to act like a child or spoilt little girl. People think that I am secure and strong and just acting like Im not for attention or in order to manipulate. I'm not. I genuinely can't help it.
Lord please I ask to make me better and stronger person.

Does a person always do something, to get cancer? If someone is walking past a crumbling building, and something falls on them, what did they do?

My life wasn't really hard. Doesn't stop me from being broken. And like you, I feel that it's me. That I shouldn't be like I am.

But sometimes we don't determine what happens to us. We get sick in our bodies, we don't think we haven't got an excuse to be sick. We just are.

This no different, sweet pea. Don't be so hard on yourself.