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Self Hatred

Permanent Linkby hoping4answers on Sun May 06, 2012 4:58 pm

I find that my hardest days are days like today where I wake up just loathing myself. From the moment my eyes open the flood of negative thoughts drown out any positive I can see. In these times even my children laughing and smiling outside my bedroom door cause me tears.
I feel alone, which is hard to do when you live with five other people but there it is. I can never seem to pin point just why some days the pain is so overwhelming and all consuming that lasting the next five minutes seems impossible.
I am worthless, unloved, and discarded. These are the thoughts that are an unending cycle in my mind. The more I attempt to distract myself from these thoughts the more invading they seem.
Any advice out there?

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Re: Self Hatred

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Tue May 15, 2012 1:46 am

Those thoughts are automatic ones. The good thing is that they're extremely repetitive, so they can identified precisely and recorded. I would try listing them on the left side of a page (handwritten or on screen), then, only when I wasn't feeling them (like when I was feeling okay), I would write down a contrary observation, something that indicates the overly simplistic negative thoughts are not very accurate by themselves.

The stuff on each side should be written only when you actually are feeling the feelings. That way, you can begin to realize, okay, I feel both these ways at times, which makes it increasingly more difficult to stay stuck in the negative, if you look at what you wrote when you're feeling down. For example,

I am completely worthless. I actually have tremendous value to my children, for their emotional well-being and potentially for their survival. If they were in physical danger, no one would protect them like I would.

It's really more of a cognitive exercise than anything for DID, but virtually all of us with DID have illogical or out-of-date beliefs. Getting them out of your head where you can look at them and start assessing them objectively could help.
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Re: Self Hatred

Permanent Linkby confused girl on Wed Jul 18, 2012 10:54 pm

You are loved by your children and you're not worthless because your children need you. I wish I could say more but I can't even help myself
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