Is reality just a work of fiction after all? I struggle to find anything real or meaningful.

This site is a fiction.

The internet is a fiction.

My "friends" are a fiction.

The local community is a fiction.

My whole life is a fiction.

Or maybe it's reality itself which is a complete work of imaginative literature.

Nothing makes any sense anymore. Those friends? Haha they're not real. Stop kidding yourself. Their friendship isn't real. Your personality is a trite character out of a poorly written book. You're living the worst and most boring story ever created. You have no control over anything; only an illusion of agency. There was a reason you were made. For the amusement of your creator.

Well, this is my first blog post for a few months.

Everyone deserved to be betrayed. That's just the way it is. No-one ever gave a damn $#%^ about my insides or me, just what made them comfortable. Damn them all. I'd betray them all AGAIN and AGAIN because that is how I survive on an existential level. I don't need to be anyone's hero but my own.

I betrayed my "friend" from school.

I betrayed my "friends" in an online social group.

I betrayed anyone who put faith in me.

I'd probably do it again by cutting them out of my existence permanently. The guilt makes me hate myself but I have to, because I can't trust them to like me or not take advantage of me no matter what.

I will be having some counseling soon over "traumatic" experiences in the past but I don't see how that will work. In the end those are just points where I failed to protect myself from the malevolence of others, my solution to that is to prevent such situations occurring ever again.

And what of the future ahead, well I don't know. My inability to connect with people and lack of experience are disadvantages in applying for most jobs. Just thinking of careers terrifies me, but it's something I'll have to come to terms with in the near future.

I will remember this as "The year I tried". Taking a break from university, I underwent CBT at the start of the year for Social Anxiety and OCD. The therapist thought I had finished it successfully. I attempted volunteering for a few weeks. That fell through when I found myself hating the people there. I found a girl, and met her intimately in person, only to lose interest and find myself in denial about the whole thing. I returned to university. Yet I feel as if I'm back to square one. I really want to end the year with optimism.

Yet I also have to come to terms with myself. I find it painful to move on from a wasted adolescence. It's hard to turn over a new leaf when I anticipate failure at every turn. There is no silver bullet, but I have to have faith in my own potential. Without being uncompassionate, I should put MY self over other selves, and no others. Only then can I BEGIN to move on, unfettered by what other people think of me.

Of course, this will mean nothing if I continue down my road of avoidance and rumination. I need to fight a war against myself, [i]for[/i] myself.

You know what, you're a ######6 loser. Daring to write this blog for your pathetic insignificant thoughts.

Well, ###$ you too.

I struggle with myself on a daily basis, this sort of exchange is typical.

The universe is structured around fear after all, they made it this way. Well, they are ######6 assholes.

Well, you are a ######6 intrusive thought. GO AWAY. Stop bothering me. Please.

But it's not an intrusive thought, you know this universe is unfair and it's slanted against you, moron. Jump off a bridge please. The world will be so much easier.

Can you please just shut up for one moment? You're not making any sense.

Your thoughts don't make any sense. You're a pussy and you have nothing going for you. You know those people you call "friends"? They will betray you and destroy you at the first chance you get, ######6.

But what about those who genuinely care for me? There are surely a few, they even gave me christmas presents!

That's just a ploy, isn't it? To be polite, maybe earn your trust, then stab you right in the back!

Well well, if they do that I'll destroy them. But I don't think, not with my unrivalled power, that they will even try. I can keep the extraterrestrials at bay, right? I have ever since they detected me.

Haha, now who's irrational and delusional? You don't have some sort of super telepathic defences. They just don't exist, you nut.

(And so continue my intrusive thoughts, it's like a civil war in here)