Welcome back, reader. I truly hope that you've had a pleasant and interesting day. Maybe a brief foray into my mind will be the perfect end, or perhaps not.


So yes, I am in the process of reforming myself [from something I shall not name] into a pro-social person, or, at least, not a dangerously psychopathic one. This is mainly because I am sick of the struggle between my desires and the law. I want a good quality of life. I have no doubt at all that I could get away with the things that I crave [for a while at least], but ultimately, I just want to be accepted.
*that record wobble/scratch noise [lol]* What?!
Yes, that doesn't sound so psychopathic does it. Well, let me introduce you to my other half: I am also on the autism spectrum [when it was Aspergers'], diagnosed and all. I've never met any other hybrids [the only one that I have ever heard of that I can think of at the moment was Jeff Dahmer], and sometimes I wonder if I ever will. I have no idea what I really am; I have been diagnosed with both psychopathy and ASD and have strong traits of both.

Anyways, reforming... a lot harder than it may seem. I still want to murder, rape, torture, cannibalize etc. My desires are vivid, thrilling, even comforting to me. I have no idea how to get rid of them... how to never desire them again. They give me so much; they fill a space nothing else can match. I love having power in a truly non-consensual, sadistic way, I love getting high on fear, I love blood... I love the taste, smell, look, feeling it all over me. I want to force people to torture, rape, and eat their friends and family members in a home invasion. I want to make them watch me getting off on it. I want to violate their dead bodies.
...
See what I mean? What can a person do? What could adequately replace those desires? I mean, the blood one will never go... and it isn't really harmful, but what can replace the thrill of inflicting excruciating mental and physical torture? I used to write and draw, in explicit detail, my fantasies. Sometimes it helped, but it never got me over it... just took the edge off. I need to find something to truly replace this stuff.

Yes I am in 'therapy', no, it isn't helping. They have sh*t-all idea what to do. They just monitor whether or not I am an imminent danger to the public [court ordered], rather than do anything constructive to help me fundamentally.

I would never be a danger to others if my desire to kill was removed. I would simply be an Asperpath [lol... I dunno?]: the kindest, most sadistic, most compassionate, heartless, compulsively honest liar out there. I am so confused about myself sometimes. I am so rigidly compartmentalized that the Asperpath statement was entirely true; I am a walking contradiction. I don't know how I exist. I could literally remorselessly torture someone to death one moment, soaking up my vic's blind terror... and be crying because someone needlessly stomped a spruce sapling the next [I have deep compassion for plants, wtf right?].

Sometimes I wonder if my Aspie traits caused me to turn myself into a psychopath. My childhoods' intense obsession with predators [naturally evolving to human predators] due to my fear of victimization... ? There are things that no usual Aspie has though: my sadism, glibness, manipulativeness [esp. of emotions, fear etc.], malignant narcissism etc. Not sure how much I want to get into my theory; it is extensive.


I often wonder if people even want me to reform... like they'd prefer that I go serial killer so they could lock me away for ever and not have to worry -what- exactly I am. I am torn... I would, of course, love to go serial killer, but I've committed myself to seriously attempting reformation.

[please don't read the following paragraph if you are squeamish or susceptible to trauma]

I wonder if occasionally indulging my homicidal fantasies is harmful to reformation. Can I truly live a satisfying life without taking those of others? Can I just obsess over it and be content? Can I write and draw it? Can I think about a man effing a severed heads' mouth and blowing his load all out the exit wound left by a high velocity projectile? A man raping a teen while their family watches; deep in vic's as$ while tightening the zip-tie around vic's throat to the point of strangulation... they're flopping around, lose bowel/bladder control, he orgasms... family victimized vicariously? Gutting a live victim, effing the wound... ETC. Plenty more where that came from... years worth. I describe these things to demonstrate the intensity of my desires, not to disturb people. It is my comfort zone; the path I have etched into my brain for years. How do I replace it. I don't want to, but must I?