Before anything... eughh! at what will necessarily be relatively brief posts [this device is finicky, and I would rather save shorter entries than retype longer ones that have timed out or glitched in some other way].


Ah, so you have returned... admittedly my last post did not offer much, I hope to rectify that problem slightly.

I have an educational background in psychology [specifically, regarding criminal psychopathy] and a personal life-long experience with it [involving the legal and mental health systems]. My traits were noted very early, during elementary school, and I received what 'help' could be offered for several years [personally, I believe that the social emotion/compassion/appropriateness etc. training I received simply hid my 'problem', rather than deal with it... although that may be the most that could be expected with my condition]. At the time I had been misdiagnosed with ADHD, along with a great number of my generation. As I entered my teens I faced arrest for homicidal violence, many months in institutions, and a parade of diagnoses. My first psychopathy diagnosis was applied as a result of Hare's PCL-YV; I do not know my score, only that it was positive. Years later, I received full adult diagnosis, with a score of 25 [yes, they didn't use a 30 cutoff; to others, I may be a subclinical psychopath]. While that hardly seems interesting, my Factor analysis was [at least to me, anyway, as the usual 25 scorer shows the opposite split that I do]: My Factor 1 [core psychopathic personality - grandiose, glib, remorseless, shallow affect, lack of empathy etc.] was at the 99th percentile, while my Factor 2 [antisocial/criminal lifestyle, read: ASPD, basically] was only at the 51st percentile. In laypersons' terms: I have all of the personality, interpersonal, emotional etc. traits of a psychopath... but I don't act like one [or, more accurately, I don't get caught].

I am a very apathetic person... well, rather, I am not very motivated. I have never tried to con people out of money [I am not materialistic, and I just don't care about having that 'over them'], I have never used relationships to manipulate [I am asexual and a virgin btw], I don't use drugs [and don't care enough to], I am not a pathological liar [I am an excellent liar, when I need to be], I am very controlled and unimpulsive, I have astounding insight for a psychopath etc. I suppose these sorts of things lower my Factor 2 score.

I am not an average criminal psychopath: in-and-out of prison, addicted, living an antisocial lifestyle. My lifestyle was very prosocial, externally. My relationships were very shallow: sequences of acquaintances, non-commital chatter, not standing out at all except as an exceptional student. I did not date, I had few friends... none on which knew the extent of my 'darkness'. I have had an enduring problem with homicidal ideation, and acting upon it. My inner life was consumed with explicit murder fantasies, and vague plans for getting away with them; and had been since my pre-teens. These private desires also included torture, rape, and cannibalism. They manifested [in different ways, and to different extents] against both people and animals, although people are the only beings I had ever enjoyed hurting, or desired to hurt.

I am currently in the process of attempting to reform myself, and my condition is known to the authorities. I do not feel ashamed of my homicidal side, or disturbed by it. I do not feel remorse for the actions I have taken, although I sometimes wish that I could... because life might be easier for me if I was more like other people; if I could truly experience the 'horror' of what I have done and/or desire, and thus, never desire to do it again.

I am rambling, clearly. I feel that I have lost coherence, or my original outline for this post... I suppose I will end this now... ehhh blah??