Welcome back, reader. I truly hope that you've had a pleasant and interesting day. Maybe a brief foray into my mind will be the perfect end, or perhaps not.


So yes, I am in the process of reforming myself [from something I shall not name] into a pro-social person, or, at least, not a dangerously psychopathic one. This is mainly because I am sick of the struggle between my desires and the law. I want a good quality of life. I have no doubt at all that I could get away with the things that I crave [for a while at least], but ultimately, I just want to be accepted.
*that record wobble/scratch noise [lol]* What?!
Yes, that doesn't sound so psychopathic does it. Well, let me introduce you to my other half: I am also on the autism spectrum [when it was Aspergers'], diagnosed and all. I've never met any other hybrids [the only one that I have ever heard of that I can think of at the moment was Jeff Dahmer], and sometimes I wonder if I ever will. I have no idea what I really am; I have been diagnosed with both psychopathy and ASD and have strong traits of both.

Anyways, reforming... a lot harder than it may seem. I still want to murder, rape, torture, cannibalize etc. My desires are vivid, thrilling, even comforting to me. I have no idea how to get rid of them... how to never desire them again. They give me so much; they fill a space nothing else can match. I love having power in a truly non-consensual, sadistic way, I love getting high on fear, I love blood... I love the taste, smell, look, feeling it all over me. I want to force people to torture, rape, and eat their friends and family members in a home invasion. I want to make them watch me getting off on it. I want to violate their dead bodies.
...
See what I mean? What can a person do? What could adequately replace those desires? I mean, the blood one will never go... and it isn't really harmful, but what can replace the thrill of inflicting excruciating mental and physical torture? I used to write and draw, in explicit detail, my fantasies. Sometimes it helped, but it never got me over it... just took the edge off. I need to find something to truly replace this stuff.

Yes I am in 'therapy', no, it isn't helping. They have sh*t-all idea what to do. They just monitor whether or not I am an imminent danger to the public [court ordered], rather than do anything constructive to help me fundamentally.

I would never be a danger to others if my desire to kill was removed. I would simply be an Asperpath [lol... I dunno?]: the kindest, most sadistic, most compassionate, heartless, compulsively honest liar out there. I am so confused about myself sometimes. I am so rigidly compartmentalized that the Asperpath statement was entirely true; I am a walking contradiction. I don't know how I exist. I could literally remorselessly torture someone to death one moment, soaking up my vic's blind terror... and be crying because someone needlessly stomped a spruce sapling the next [I have deep compassion for plants, wtf right?].

Sometimes I wonder if my Aspie traits caused me to turn myself into a psychopath. My childhoods' intense obsession with predators [naturally evolving to human predators] due to my fear of victimization... ? There are things that no usual Aspie has though: my sadism, glibness, manipulativeness [esp. of emotions, fear etc.], malignant narcissism etc. Not sure how much I want to get into my theory; it is extensive.


I often wonder if people even want me to reform... like they'd prefer that I go serial killer so they could lock me away for ever and not have to worry -what- exactly I am. I am torn... I would, of course, love to go serial killer, but I've committed myself to seriously attempting reformation.

[please don't read the following paragraph if you are squeamish or susceptible to trauma]

I wonder if occasionally indulging my homicidal fantasies is harmful to reformation. Can I truly live a satisfying life without taking those of others? Can I just obsess over it and...

[ Continued ]

Before anything... eughh! at what will necessarily be relatively brief posts [this device is finicky, and I would rather save shorter entries than retype longer ones that have timed out or glitched in some other way].


Ah, so you have returned... admittedly my last post did not offer much, I hope to rectify that problem slightly.

I have an educational background in psychology [specifically, regarding criminal psychopathy] and a personal life-long experience with it [involving the legal and mental health systems]. My traits were noted very early, during elementary school, and I received what 'help' could be offered for several years [personally, I believe that the social emotion/compassion/appropriateness etc. training I received simply hid my 'problem', rather than deal with it... although that may be the most that could be expected with my condition]. At the time I had been misdiagnosed with ADHD, along with a great number of my generation. As I entered my teens I faced arrest for homicidal violence, many months in institutions, and a parade of diagnoses. My first psychopathy diagnosis was applied as a result of Hare's PCL-YV; I do not know my score, only that it was positive. Years later, I received full adult diagnosis, with a score of 25 [yes, they didn't use a 30 cutoff; to others, I may be a subclinical psychopath]. While that hardly seems interesting, my Factor analysis was [at least to me, anyway, as the usual 25 scorer shows the opposite split that I do]: My Factor 1 [core psychopathic personality - grandiose, glib, remorseless, shallow affect, lack of empathy etc.] was at the 99th percentile, while my Factor 2 [antisocial/criminal lifestyle, read: ASPD, basically] was only at the 51st percentile. In laypersons' terms: I have all of the personality, interpersonal, emotional etc. traits of a psychopath... but I don't act like one [or, more accurately, I don't get caught].

I am a very apathetic person... well, rather, I am not very motivated. I have never tried to con people out of money [I am not materialistic, and I just don't care about having that 'over them'], I have never used relationships to manipulate [I am asexual and a virgin btw], I don't use drugs [and don't care enough to], I am not a pathological liar [I am an excellent liar, when I need to be], I am very controlled and unimpulsive, I have astounding insight for a psychopath etc. I suppose these sorts of things lower my Factor 2 score.

I am not an average criminal psychopath: in-and-out of prison, addicted, living an antisocial lifestyle. My lifestyle was very prosocial, externally. My relationships were very shallow: sequences of acquaintances, non-commital chatter, not standing out at all except as an exceptional student. I did not date, I had few friends... none on which knew the extent of my 'darkness'. I have had an enduring problem with homicidal ideation, and acting upon it. My inner life was consumed with explicit murder fantasies, and vague plans for getting away with them; and had been since my pre-teens. These private desires also included torture, rape, and cannibalism. They manifested [in different ways, and to different extents] against both people and animals, although people are the only beings I had ever enjoyed hurting, or desired to hurt.

I am currently in the process of attempting to reform myself, and my condition is known to the authorities. I do not feel ashamed of my homicidal side, or disturbed by it. I do not feel remorse for the actions I have taken, although I sometimes wish that I could... because life might be easier for me if I was more like other people; if I could truly experience the 'horror' of what I have done and/or desire, and thus, never desire to do it again.

I am rambling, clearly. I feel that I have lost coherence, or my original outline for this post... I suppose I will end this now... ehhh blah??

Welcome reader,

I am pleased that you have decided to investigate this, of all the doubtless multitude of blogs. I can only hope that it proves to be interesting, or perhaps offers new insight into a mind very different from your own... or very familiar.

A minor caution, I am using a device not optimal for the internet [a portable gaming system], so I apologise in advance for my slow replies and potential typos.

Anyways, as you may know [or may not, for the unobservant]... I am a diagnosed psychopath [among a great many other things] wanting to offer whatever insight I can to those curious about the condition. Of course, there is wide debate about what a psychopath -is-, not to mention if one could even be diagnosed as such [both concerns I will address later], but briefly, for my intention, I refer to a person achieving a score of 25 or more on Hares' PCL-R in a forensic psychiatric setting.

I am also a struggling pariah; unfortunately I can not offer too many identifying details at this time, again for reasons I can not as of yet disclose. [Why bother mention it then? This frustrating living circumstance may influence much of what I can and can not say.]

Thusly, we begin our journey down the Psycho's Path...