Dear Anyone,

I'm writing to you, Anyone, because I don't have anyone to really turn to right now. I'm worried about the people I used to trust, and I still feel odd about them.

I'm so tired. I know, I sound like a whiner, but I'm tired of it. I really am. I don't know what to do anymore, and even though I'm being helped out of a bad relationship, I still feel like I'm stuck. I'm just a sitting duck, and I feel like he'll come back. I felt that way when he went to jail and he came back into my life, and I'm too scared to feel like I'm free now because there is always the chance he will come back. There is always the chance that he will come and find me... I feel so stuck! Everything is supposed to be getting better for me... everything was supposed to improve! Why does it feel like it's getting worse?!

I don't understand what is happening. Anyone, have you ever felt like this...? When things finally start going as you planned, and they start getting better, but then you feel even worse than you had felt when you were in the bad situation to begin with!? I don't think I'll ever get well. I feel like I'm being overly paranoid. I'm too scared to leave my house, and I want to be in the hospital again. I want to feel safe, and I want to feel like I'm being protected. I don't like that anywhere but in the hospital. I've never felt so safe before. But... I need help. I need someone to be there to protect me all the time, everyday. I don't understand what it is. I'm a horrible mother. I can't even protect my own child. I'm too busy jumping at shadows and being hypersensitive. My head hurts all of the time, and I can't sleep at night. I don't eat, I don't feel a need to, and I don't do anything but sit at home and worry... It's like... I'm just worrying my life away. I've got no friends. I don't have people that I can come to on a regular basis and talk things out with. I hate, HATE HATE therapy. It hasn't done me any good, and I hate my therapist. I don't know why I hate him, I just do. I used to love him, he was a fantastic therapist who helped me out a lot in the past... but I feel like he let me down.

I was supposed to be better after leaving sessions... This was supposed to be my last time. After my first sessions had ended, I was supposed to be better. I was supposed to be stronger. But I'm not. He lied to me. I was supposed to be better. I was supposed to be able to handle stuff like this. Why is everything going downhill from here? When things are FINALLY improving... I feel like it's all coming apart. I want to die. I want everything to be over, and if I don't die, I want to try to die... just so I can go back to the hospital to feel safe. I just want to feel safe... to feel protected and to feel cared about. I don't know. I'm so weak...

Thank you for reading my wallowing,
Lillian.

*huge hugs* I don't really know what to say,but I wanted you to know someone is reading what you write.

You're not wallowing. It sounds like you've been through a hell of a lot, and releasing your emotions is the best way to deal with that. Of course I've felt that way too - when everything is going better in a bad situation, and then it gets worse. My medication (I'm bipolar) worked for about 2 months, and then it all came crashing down, and my suicidal thoughts are there more so now than they were before I even got on them. You said you like the safety of the hospital, and you used to like your counselor. Maybe you can try to find a new one, one that makes you feel safe too? If one counselor doesn't work for you, that doesn't mean no one else could. Just something to consider I guess. Just know you're not alone, and we feel your pain together with our own.