So...funny enough after I posted my blog introduction, I was very clearly missing a crucial piece of information. There is a confirmed fourth. Now the reason I say "confirmed" is because I find it hard to accept anyone unless I can recognize them multiple times and they have a set pattern of who they are. When L showed up last night I almost instantly knew who it was, because I did remember instances in the past, and it was definitely her. I don't know if L is actually her name as I've gotten a few different iterations of it before, but for now this seems to be the best fit.

I've been using a journal again. Let's talk about the journal, shall we...

Many years ago I "seriously" attempted a journal. At first I felt like an idiot because I was pretty much talking to nothing. I was brick walled. Until all of a sudden a million things came flying at me and I think I filled up like 3 journals in no time flat. It freaked me the helI out, and I ditched all of them. I never really tried the journal thing after that, and I went through pretty hard denial for a long time.

But a little bit ago I decided I was ready. It felt the right time. It started similar. At first I just felt kind of stupid like I was talking to nothing. Until..like last time... things started happening. I was scared, like before. But I am older now, and I did my best to take it in stride and LET IT HAPPEN. That is something that is possibly the hardest thing in the world, LETTING THINGS HAPPEN. No suppressing, no evasion, just letting the stuff come out.

I was blown away this time. I specifically set out to make contact with A2. Despite us often being way too close to each other, I've never really felt like I had direct contact with her. She does talk to me when she's fronting, but because we are sort of sharing that space at the same time, it's difficult for me. I don't know if she just thinks journaling is stupid, or what, but maybe in time she'll talk to me. Instead I received contact from L. I didn't expect that, but I was surprised and happy to establish communication in any way.

The journal is a great thing, I realize this now. It's been a way for them to allow me to know things if they either can't or won't tell me some other way. I've learned things already, and I feel annoyed at myself for not allowing this sooner. I think this will make our life so much easier in the long run. I can't even express how difficult it is to live when nobody is communicating. Thank you for coming forward, L. You are SO helpful.

So let's talk a little bit about L. I do know she's a girl, though I do not have a clear picture of her at all. She is what I've referred to in the past as the "life coach." She is very responsible and so great at getting things done when I find them too hard. I had written in my journal that I needed help with the housework. I've been struggling with that lately and I was starting to feel extremely overwhelmed about it. L almost jumped into action immediately, did what she could, and then let me know what she did. Like..what do I even say to that

I don't know much about you, L, but you have always been so selfless and giving and helpful and kind. I feel like you are the "human" side of Owl, actually. You two are similar in a lot of ways, but Owl lacks the emotional/caregiving side that you have. I've always likened Owl to a computer, because she is smart and analytical, but not interested in the emotional side of anything. I wouldn't be surprised if you two know each other and have a history I don't know about.

Anyways, I have my therapy appointment on Wednesday. I am nervous, but I think therapy is desperately needed right now. And actually A2 was surfing the web last night and came across another therapist she'd like us to try. And I wonder why you did that, A2? Oh wait, it's because she shares your name and she's beautiful! Typical...