I promised that I will not share info with real life people unless I'm given permission. But the internet is ok, as it's anonymous anyway. I'm only doing this to keep track of everything and to have a central place where I can go to add things.

I still do not want to say "I have DID, or DDNOS, or whatever." But I will not deny my experiences. Something is clearly going on, and has been for a very long time. Before, I was in a tailspin. I was getting too much too soon and I had no idea what to do with anything. It was the "first becoming aware" thing and it was the 100% hardest time of my life. I likened it to opening pandora's box.

It's been a long road... But I feel confident in that the information I have right now is accurate. I am aware of three others besides me. Feels weird, but relieving to say that. My history is...ridiculous. But right now, at this exact moment in time, I feel at peace. Maybe because I'm accepting it, I don't know. But at least with these three, I will never deny their existence because it's so plain for me to see.

*I'll start with myself. My name is A1. (Not going to say our full names unless someone decides to.) As far as I know, I was the one born here. I don't like talking about myself very much so I'm not really going to say much more than that.

*Next is A2. (Even just writing A2 makes her mad because she's not number "1.") But our names both start with A, so, whatever. She is....a handful. More than a handful. I have struggled for SO LONG with her. But because of this, I actually would be devastated if she was no longer around (And I can tell that makes her glad.) She's also female, and a lesbian at that. She does not look like me at all, but she's quite pretty. She's sadistic and strong. I have constant power struggles with her and as far as I'm aware she is the only one that has ever or can take executive control of my body. She is destructive and helpful. She was the one to give us the means to suicide, but then save our life? I don't know why she does these things. She bought us a gun so we could kill ourselves. But then she got us to the hospital so we couldn't do it. Why? I have a love hate relationship with her.. She has given me so many problems in my life, but I am attached to her. There was a point in time where I couldn't even tell us apart. But we are very different, and sometimes I'm very glad for that. She has a lot of anger. She is very self-confident, but she doesn't obey the law and has some pretty nasty ideas in her head, which scare me. But I am so close to her, like the sister I never had. My "real" sister is not someone I ever got attached to. I love A2, and I hate her.

*Then we go to P. He's a friggin mystery, I literally know nothing about him except what he looks like. He is the only one that I've ever "seen." He doesn't talk, but I don't know if it's because he can't or he won't. First time I ever saw him he seriously creeped me out, and he still kind of does. All he does is sit there, smile, and look around. I feel kind of bad calling him creepy, but trust me, if you saw him you'd think the same thing. He's probably a perfectly nice guy, but until I know more about him I'm going to reserve any assumptions.

*Last is Owl. I don't know if Owl is male or female, I suspect female. I believe she's college aged, and she's so smart. Very analytical, technical, and just amazing. I think she is the only reason I have always gotten good grades. She's a phenomenal person and I feel lucky to have her here.

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A2 picked our new therapist since she quit our old one. She didn't do it for good reasons (She only picked ones based on how pretty she thought they were. And they had to be under 40 years old.) But whatever. She seems nice enough. So A2 picked her, and then Owl conversed with her and set up the first appointment. She laid everything out super clear so that it was very easy for both of us, and we all knew what to expect. I literally didn't even realize ANY of this until I was reflecting today. How many more instances in my life was I working together with them and not even knowing it? It's just insane to me. (Insane in that I can't believe I didn't know.)

Also because Owl spoke to her, I was able to see what Owl thinks of me... I think her assessment was accurate and fair, actually.

My first appointment is next Wednesday. I am nervous, but I've already decided to NOT say anything about what I know. At least not for a while. I've already said that if anyone else wishes to talk to her they can and it's ok, but I will not bring any of this up with her. I'm only going to focus on the current issues at hand. I don't want to tell her anything until I decide if she's going to be our new therapist. If I think she's going to be with us for the long haul, then I'll start sharing what I know.

Well that's it. This is the first time I've ever fully written down or admitted any of this. I tried so hard to hide this, to stop this, and to ignore it... but not anymore. I recognize you guys now, I see you. I know you're there. And I'm sorry for how sh*tty I've been. Things will be different now. They will be better.