We've had some new developments. Developments of which I didn't think would literally ever happen. I don't feel super comfortable going into specific details so I'm going to leave those out.

But I've had communication. LEGIT ACTUAL COMMUNICATION. I feel like I can't even stress enough how amazing that is and how long I've wanted it. I have been brick walled SO MANY TIMES and for SO LONG, I thought I would just never make progress, ever.

Let's start with A2. I saw her, for the first time ever. Until tonight the only one who I had ever seen was P. She wasn't as clear as P is, she looked kind of fuzzy but that's ok. I can see she has nice style. A2 is...different, than I thought. I may have severely misjudged her. She is...I don't even know how to say this. She is not what I expected. I only saw one side of her before tonight but she's extremely complex. She's lovely, in her own right. I actually wasn't convinced it was her. I thought it was someone else because she was so different. But she confirmed it was definitely her. So strange. I feel kind of bad for how harshly I judged her. But in my defense I never saw this side to her. Now I know why I feel attached to her, because I feel anybody would be if they knew the "real" her and not the outward first impression of her behavior and thoughts. Thank you, A2, for not only showing yourself to me tonight, but hanging out with me.

We talked for a long time, and she's quite funny. I asked her if I'd get to meet any others and she said I would, but I wasn't really told when. Throughout all of this, my head would randomly go fuzzy and it wasn't always easy for me to stay present and/or to piece my own thoughts and words together. I think if someone saw me during this time they might think I had a stroke because of the random sentences that didn't make sense. But I guess it was just my brain trying to process all this information at once.

I want to talk about a presence I felt that was...very upsetting. But first I want to start with someone else.

She was SO adorable, and I generally don't like kids, so that must mean she's a great little one if I enjoyed her being there. I don't know why we have so many A names, haha. But she seems to have picked hers and it's another A. So she's going to be A3. She's a little girl, though I don't know how old. She can't talk to me either, so I was explaining to her and anyone else, that they can talk to me through pictures and thought. She sent me a test image of an orange which made me laugh. She realized she can do things inside, like dress up as Alice in wonderland. She seemed to like that. She thinks inside feels safe and nice and she doesn't want to be on the outside, and that's fine.

Now for the upsetting presence...oh boy. I've found the root of the severe anxiety about being in public/with people. I don't know how this one functions (Really, they don't.) Just overwhelming fear and sadness. But fear more than anything. I don't know what they are scared of, but holy moly it was not fun to feel even an ounce of what they feel. They cried. Let me tell you how weird it is that your body is crying even though you aren't. I don't know anything about this one besides what they are feeling. This one is in a lot of pain. S/he needs to be healed, desperately. I really tried to push how going to therapy and trying to work through this will help. I can't sleep well knowing somebody feels like that inside. It's just agony.

I'm also starting to realize just how much they all affect my body. I feel physically and mentally exhausted now. But I feel so grateful that I am finally. FINALLY. being let in. And I think they realize how genuine I am in my feelings towards this now. I promised that I will not deny them anymore, and I am holding to that promise. No matter how f*cking weird I feel to do some of these things, and how I must look when I'm communicating to people inside, I'm going to do it anyway. This is my (our) life, and it's simply too...

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So...funny enough after I posted my blog introduction, I was very clearly missing a crucial piece of information. There is a confirmed fourth. Now the reason I say "confirmed" is because I find it hard to accept anyone unless I can recognize them multiple times and they have a set pattern of who they are. When L showed up last night I almost instantly knew who it was, because I did remember instances in the past, and it was definitely her. I don't know if L is actually her name as I've gotten a few different iterations of it before, but for now this seems to be the best fit.

I've been using a journal again. Let's talk about the journal, shall we...

Many years ago I "seriously" attempted a journal. At first I felt like an idiot because I was pretty much talking to nothing. I was brick walled. Until all of a sudden a million things came flying at me and I think I filled up like 3 journals in no time flat. It freaked me the helI out, and I ditched all of them. I never really tried the journal thing after that, and I went through pretty hard denial for a long time.

But a little bit ago I decided I was ready. It felt the right time. It started similar. At first I just felt kind of stupid like I was talking to nothing. Until..like last time... things started happening. I was scared, like before. But I am older now, and I did my best to take it in stride and LET IT HAPPEN. That is something that is possibly the hardest thing in the world, LETTING THINGS HAPPEN. No suppressing, no evasion, just letting the stuff come out.

I was blown away this time. I specifically set out to make contact with A2. Despite us often being way too close to each other, I've never really felt like I had direct contact with her. She does talk to me when she's fronting, but because we are sort of sharing that space at the same time, it's difficult for me. I don't know if she just thinks journaling is stupid, or what, but maybe in time she'll talk to me. Instead I received contact from L. I didn't expect that, but I was surprised and happy to establish communication in any way.

The journal is a great thing, I realize this now. It's been a way for them to allow me to know things if they either can't or won't tell me some other way. I've learned things already, and I feel annoyed at myself for not allowing this sooner. I think this will make our life so much easier in the long run. I can't even express how difficult it is to live when nobody is communicating. Thank you for coming forward, L. You are SO helpful.

So let's talk a little bit about L. I do know she's a girl, though I do not have a clear picture of her at all. She is what I've referred to in the past as the "life coach." She is very responsible and so great at getting things done when I find them too hard. I had written in my journal that I needed help with the housework. I've been struggling with that lately and I was starting to feel extremely overwhelmed about it. L almost jumped into action immediately, did what she could, and then let me know what she did. Like..what do I even say to that

I don't know much about you, L, but you have always been so selfless and giving and helpful and kind. I feel like you are the "human" side of Owl, actually. You two are similar in a lot of ways, but Owl lacks the emotional/caregiving side that you have. I've always likened Owl to a computer, because she is smart and analytical, but not interested in the emotional side of anything. I wouldn't be surprised if you two know each other and have a history I don't know about.

Anyways, I have my therapy appointment on Wednesday. I am nervous, but I think therapy is desperately needed right now. And actually A2 was surfing the web last night and came across another therapist she'd like us to try. And I wonder why you did that, A2? Oh wait, it's because she shares your...

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I promised that I will not share info with real life people unless I'm given permission. But the internet is ok, as it's anonymous anyway. I'm only doing this to keep track of everything and to have a central place where I can go to add things.

I still do not want to say "I have DID, or DDNOS, or whatever." But I will not deny my experiences. Something is clearly going on, and has been for a very long time. Before, I was in a tailspin. I was getting too much too soon and I had no idea what to do with anything. It was the "first becoming aware" thing and it was the 100% hardest time of my life. I likened it to opening pandora's box.

It's been a long road... But I feel confident in that the information I have right now is accurate. I am aware of three others besides me. Feels weird, but relieving to say that. My history is...ridiculous. But right now, at this exact moment in time, I feel at peace. Maybe because I'm accepting it, I don't know. But at least with these three, I will never deny their existence because it's so plain for me to see.

*I'll start with myself. My name is A1. (Not going to say our full names unless someone decides to.) As far as I know, I was the one born here. I don't like talking about myself very much so I'm not really going to say much more than that.

*Next is A2. (Even just writing A2 makes her mad because she's not number "1.") But our names both start with A, so, whatever. She is....a handful. More than a handful. I have struggled for SO LONG with her. But because of this, I actually would be devastated if she was no longer around (And I can tell that makes her glad.) She's also female, and a lesbian at that. She does not look like me at all, but she's quite pretty. She's sadistic and strong. I have constant power struggles with her and as far as I'm aware she is the only one that has ever or can take executive control of my body. She is destructive and helpful. She was the one to give us the means to suicide, but then save our life? I don't know why she does these things. She bought us a gun so we could kill ourselves. But then she got us to the hospital so we couldn't do it. Why? I have a love hate relationship with her.. She has given me so many problems in my life, but I am attached to her. There was a point in time where I couldn't even tell us apart. But we are very different, and sometimes I'm very glad for that. She has a lot of anger. She is very self-confident, but she doesn't obey the law and has some pretty nasty ideas in her head, which scare me. But I am so close to her, like the sister I never had. My "real" sister is not someone I ever got attached to. I love A2, and I hate her.

*Then we go to P. He's a friggin mystery, I literally know nothing about him except what he looks like. He is the only one that I've ever "seen." He doesn't talk, but I don't know if it's because he can't or he won't. First time I ever saw him he seriously creeped me out, and he still kind of does. All he does is sit there, smile, and look around. I feel kind of bad calling him creepy, but trust me, if you saw him you'd think the same thing. He's probably a perfectly nice guy, but until I know more about him I'm going to reserve any assumptions.

*Last is Owl. I don't know if Owl is male or female, I suspect female. I believe she's college aged, and she's so smart. Very analytical, technical, and just amazing. I think she is the only reason I have always gotten good grades. She's a phenomenal person and I feel lucky to have her here.

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A2 picked our new therapist since she quit our old one. She didn't do it for good reasons (She only picked ones based on how pretty she thought they were. And they had to be under 40 years old.) But whatever. She seems nice enough. So A2 picked her, and then Owl conversed with her and set up the first appointment. She laid everything out super clear so that it was very easy for both of us, and we all knew what to expect....

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