Women make me feel weird now. I don't think I can be happy with a woman and even if all my previous feelings come back and I stop feeling how I currently do I still don't think I could be happy. The fact that I feel the way I currently do would make me dread feeling this way again. I don't know, I just wanted to update how I feel about women it's sad. But as I said almost a year ago, it's a self fulfilling prophecy.

My interest in women has waned even more then last year I think (still to soon to be sure) I get thus warm feeling when talking to men or herring about men's genitalia, it gets me excited. I hate that. I think the best thing that fits me Is sexual fluidity, unfortunately knowing myself I will not accept it. I wish I could wipe my memory and just continue as a homosexual or bisexual without the internal bias and homophobia I have for myself.
I read this article and I'd say to some extent it fits me and my situation:
https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/sexual-fluidity-and-the-diversity-of-sexual-orientation-202203312717

I notice that when I'm not as anxious that these feelings still exist. Does that suggest that these feelings aren't entirely anxiety driven? Can anxiety create new feelings? In unsure. What it does tell me is that if I ever stop caring completely, these feelings will still exist. I wish I could let go of the past. In many ways I wish I didn't exclusively have my previous feelings for women as long as I did.

here's there definition:

"Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) involves recurrent and persistent thoughts, urges, or images, particularly those considered unwanted or intrusive.¹ These thoughts are experienced to the degree that they tend to cause anxiety and distress. Often taking an hour or more per day, such obsessions or compulsions can lead to impairment in social and/or occupational functioning."

I don't relate to this entirely. Now I understand different people have different symptoms however. The feelings are definitely recurrent lasting all day, they definitely distress me, but I'm sure a gay or bi person whom hates themselves is distressed over there feelings. The problem for me is that these are legitimate feelings of mine they aren't just limited to thoughts, urges, and images. I wish I had it within me to be ok with who I am but I'm having such a hard time letting go of the person I used to be I don't have ocd because I like my feelings( which is why I dislike them) but I also haven't felt this way my entire life. And unfortunately I don't think I'll ever be able to find an answer. I used to dream about having a wife and kids but unfortunately that was drastically cut short through no fault of my own.

I read this post on another forum and this is the closest thing I was able to find to my situation:


"I am 29, and since I was 11, been incredibly infatuated with women in every possible way, but since the end of February, something has happened to me, I have lost my attraction to women it seems, and in its place, I seem to be noticing males more (although a male has yet to cause me an erection yet. With women I could be easily turned on in that sense). I don't know what happened to me, I never had any masculine crushes or anything in my youth or teens. I did experiment one time when I was 21, but didn't like it at all. I was wanting to try anal stimulation, I was also desperate and horny at that time. It was one of those CL hook ups. I couldn't even finish the physical act because I found it gross and uncomfortable. It felt like a reverse bowel movement. Said experience also turned me off from doing anal on a girl, too. That was the first and last time I ever did anything like that, or considered it. It just seems that suddenly my sexuality has changed, and I don't know what happened, but ever since it did, my mental state has declined tremendously. Getting with women was one of the things I enjoyed most (which sadly to say, isn't much, not much makes me incredibly happy, I was always happiest when I was with a women), and I hoped to raise a family with a girl within the next few years. I had confidence issues with women and in general for years, and had finally became successful with them after dealing with constant self-doubt. I had also improved in other areas, too, such as my general sense of self-esteem, and confidence. Now it feels like everything has torn from me. The thought thought of being with a man does nothing for me at all, despite what I perceive is me noticing them more. Since this all began, I have gotten increasingly depressed, to the point now I am wishing I was dead. I have been waking up the last few nights wishing somebody would just shoot me in the head. It seems like so much I valued and enjoyed is gone, and I am at my wit's end, I honestly wish I were dead. sometimes. I sit around all day and do nothing but go through the motions. I also look back at old photos of women I have been with and crushed on and cry. It feels like my heart has been torn out. I have become emotionally destroyed, with myself feeling intense anger at small things, and thoughts of just wishing it was all over. This has been by far, my lowest point ever, and I just wish it would end. I cannot go on like this much longer."

I'm back to being anxious and guilt ridden. I wish I had a social life. At least then I can figure what I want sexually Doing online school for six years hadn't helped, thankfully I graduated. I was always shy in elementary school and sixth grade and these past six years since have not made it any better. At least know I'm starting college. One things for certain, if I ever have kids I will never put them in online school.