I was subjected to emotional, verbally, physical, and sexual abuse my entire life. I can clearly recall incidents as far back as 3 years old. The worse of it has been shield from me so I dont know the extent of them, just certain bits and pieces.

As an adult, I've been in a number of abusive relationships. Each one is less abusive than the next. Yet I am still in an abusive relationship.

Why do I continue to justify it? Even defend it repeatedly?

I have a close relationship with my abuser who molested me from as young as 3 to 12 yrs old. The only time I ever confronted him, he vehementhly denied it and it faded into the background with no one believing it except my step mother who left him shortly afterwards.

I love my abuser to death and realize that he must have forgotten it since he was a heavy drinker then. He's been sober for years now. As an alchoholic myself I do understand black outs. He IS a good man otherwise. We have never talked about it or came close to it.

My current relationship just consists of verbal abuse. Maybe isolation as well. Plus it seems lately even my handicap is up for attack. I don't know.

What I do know is although my man might throw $#%^ around and yell, he don't physically attack me. He himself had a very abusive mother who hit and yelled at him for years. Some of the things he does is probably my fault or the way his mom raised him.

Logically i know I am being abused yet again and even defending it. I am probably also being an enabler. Its just that when I look back into my own childhood (God I NEVER wanna be a child again) and my last few relationship .... my current one seems better.

Anyways talking to a number of folks recently got me opening my eyes and wondering why in the heck am I justifying abuse in any form? Why am I even allowing my boundaries to be stomped all over?

Is it because at least my sexual boundaries are respected and he's never off partying or cheating? Is it because Im too scared to be alone? Is it because he doesn't hit me unlike previous exes? Is it because while he may be verbally abusive, he is at least not calling me names directly even though he cusses up a storm?

Am I defective? How can I be stronger? How can I fix things? Im too old to start all over and am too far from my home state with no funds nor car of my own to start over. No job skills either.

Sad thing is.... I'm noticing a steady increase in his abusive attitude. Got screamed at the other day for messing up coffee maker. Snapped at for asking to go to the store, Got my recliner chair flipped for complaining I'm lonely and tired of him playing his video game all the time when he is not at work. Bitched at for not going to bed at night yet again (i dread sleepin at nights for some reasons).

OMG.... I just previewed what I wrote and feel like an idiot. Why do I put up with it? If any of my friends were in such a situation, I would tell her to LEAVE.

If you read this far, thanks for reading. I just wanted to share and hopefully hear from others who have dealt with this.

Blessings!!

Take you're own advise and leave. My mother and father were in an abusive relationship, and I know is hard to detach yourself from him. I've been there not in a romantic relationship but an attachment to my father ( he was a drinker and hit my mother) and i loved him. My parents separated and at first it was hard. it's bull@#$@ that time heals wounds but it does lessen the pain. HoneyLancaster you are worth more than than you give yourself for. And if you don't want to be alone stay with friends or family because you have to learn to love yourself and not sell yourself short.

Sometimes it just feels easier to stay getting the strength to do something new can take alot of strength and emotional energy and when your running on empty its near impossible
your mind develops rationalisms that make sense at the time and convince you whilst others would be like cant you see whats going on here?
youll have those light bulbs moments that say yeah what am I doing ?
Then just as easily you'll switch it off and say turn that ######6 light off im too tired and it is keeping me awake!
When your desensenetized to abuse its hard to know whats acceptable and whats not it takes usually a safe professional or friend to help you cannot do it alone.
Im reading keep posting...

[quote="notsonormal"]Take you're own advise and leave. My mother and father were in an abusive relationship, and I know is hard to detach yourself from him. I've been there not in a romantic relationship but an attachment to my father ( he was a drinker and hit my mother) and i loved him. My parents separated and at first it was hard. it's bull@#$@ that time heals wounds but it does lessen the pain. HoneyLancaster you are worth more than than you give yourself for. And if you don't want to be alone stay with friends or family because you have to learn to love yourself and not sell yourself short.[/quote]

Yes I sell myself short all the time and don't think about it until later. I wanna love me!!

[quote="lifeontheinside"]Sometimes it just feels easier to stay getting the strength to do something new can take alot of strength and emotional energy and when your running on empty its near impossible
your mind develops rationalisms that make sense at the time and convince you whilst others would be like cant you see whats going on here?
youll have those light bulbs moments that say yeah what am I doing ?
Then just as easily you'll switch it off and say turn that ######6 light off im too tired and it is keeping me awake!
When your desensenetized to abuse its hard to know whats acceptable and whats not it takes usually a safe professional or friend to help you cannot do it alone.
Im reading keep posting...[/quote]

Oh my, you are VERY perspective and just described what I do on a regular basis like that light bulb moments.

Never realize one cld become densensetized to abuse. Now that is something to pounder.