You know that dumb-assed saying "you put yourself in it"?
Or "You must have been askin for it"or any one of those phrases that refer to all the stupid $#%^ you got your self into.

As usual wondered WTF I'm doin with a verbally abusive ###$ and always living hand 2 mouth then just as quickly the pissy feelin fades into a fog of depression and all those insidious phrases mentioned above floats into my head without me realizing it until the next time I feel pissy.

Thought about that all day. A kind lady from here here spent all night listening to me here without a single judging statement. In fact, she often complimented me on my bravery and how far I got in life much to my bafflement.

Didn't quite sink it.... still hasn't but at least it got me thinking of just how often I belittle myself and allow others to do it. In fact I defend or justify such allowances. Made me wonder just how much I believe (regardless of stupid adult logics) statements claiming I got myself into these situation.

Does that mean when I was 6 years old approaching my abuser eagerly for more that I put myself in that enviorment? If it started from age 3 and stopped at 11.... wouldn't a person be "prepared or groomed" for such behavior that it wouldn't continue into adulthood?

Especially what if that "prepared or groomed" child had kept it a secret and never got any help for it? What if she stumbled about from man to man, one user after another, somehow feeling like she's got "ABUSE ME" written on her forehead?

Yes I may have removed myself from much more abusive relationships and really bad choices.... heck even quit drinking (im an alcoholic). I may be in a steadier home with a wonderful child who has perfect A's and awesome sweet pets. Yet I wonder.

No one is telling me those statements but I hear them nonethless and I sense them. It's a whispery voice I hear in my head and until today I was not aware of it.

The kind lady's encouraging comments last night and the way I discounted or brushed them off made me stop and think. Made me wondered about my boundaries and flippant attitude to my own wants/needs.

No I don't know where I'm going with this.... just wanted to share my revelations about myself, not that I know what to do with it yet. Still, its great that someone from this site actually took the time to be up until 6 am with a perfect idiotic whiny person like me. Thanks!

You are not idiotic or whiny. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Cracked

[quote="CrackedGirl"]You are not idiotic or whiny. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Cracked[/quote]

Thanks... need to hear that.

You are welcome

Cracked