So i went for a walk today and saw these children playing at a nearby play ground, the reason i took notice in them was because one of the boys was crying. When i got closer i saw that his tears were just exploding from his face so i thought i would go over and see what had happened.

There were 3 kids playing with the slide and the crying boy sat at the bottom of it.
I went over to check on him since there were no adults around. T he girl told me that "ah..he is only crying" !?
I checked the boy out it turned out that the other boy had slided on top of him and left a red mark on the back of his neck.
So i asked them to slide more carefully. I just thought it was weird that they could just watch the boy cry...?

I carefully confronted the boy who had rammed the crier and he seemed a bit of a "tough cookie" type, which made me wonder if he had slid on him on purpose and of course if he had then the girl wouldn`t normally go up against him or at least that seemed to be the case here.

So i woke up with a sore throat today.

The weather has been changing from sun to rain all day.

Not much to to do when you feel this way...except accept it and wait until it goes over.

I have tried some garlic and pastille`s for the throat.
I have a closet to hang up and its going to take me ages because its so big.
I am going to have clothes laying all around my flat until i have gotten up the new closet. A bit boring to do but i have to do it.

I was memorizing a day i had in Portugal for many years ago when i almost drowned.
If it hadn`t been for one of the locals there i might have drowned.

I was at the Algarve coast with my mother and stepfather when a wave hit me, i was only 6 so it dragged me out to the deep end and under water.

I didn`t know how to swim so if it hadn`t been for this older man who had noticed me go under, i would have been dragged even further out at sea because the waves are furious and high there.

And there are a lot of cliffs and rock formations in the sea there, so i might have banged my head on one of those.

I think it was irresponsible of my mother to let me play by the ocean without supervision.
She was lying on the beach talking to my stepfather and didn`t notice that i went down. I remember she told me to not go into the water.
I think the results would have been different if it was my real father and not my stepfather there.
We would have been all kids together on that holiday and not jusit me alone with my mother(before she had any babies with my stepfather).

Otherwise today i am feeling a bit lonely..
the feeling comes now and again since i am unmarried and living alone.
I have tried to get together a trip on site where i am member in a activity group so i hope someone will join me and that it won`t just be yet another failed attempt on having a come together.

We were supposed to have had a trip out last sunday but it was cancelled because of bad weather, so i am wishing and hoping that the weather will be nicer on this sunday.

Its a bit of a drag to be single while you see so many people who aren`t. And its a bit boring too.

So today i want to talk about how we can "say" and "do" things without normally having any action.
Its the hidden language if you like.

Some call it ignorance others attitude.

Attitude can sometimes blend into the environment and it has no seems so it can be hard to detect.

It can be ignoring something, or just those silent movements that happen so still underneath the surface.

Yet it can have a great impact on something.

Silence is good in a funeral.

I have already written a thread about my mother called " the crater", this blog is a continuing of that thread, since new thoughts have occurred about her and the way she has handled things.

I have written a lot about my family because there a lot to be said about them. You don`t have shallow feelings when it comes to the people who made you live.

I have thought about her personality towards my own stepfather and their relationship to each other because i think this holds the key to many of our problems.
As i have already told many in here i have to older siblings and like them i have also been in psychiatric hospital for shorter periods of time. My sister would live in one for some years and my brother too. This is a sad story about how a family can end up in a conflict that is so much deeper then the ones you normally go threw in divorces.
Divorces shouldn`t send children into mental hospitals and as i have begun to understand this i also have to understand my mother. That doesn`t mean that i agree to anything she has to come with(most of it is lies to avoid anyhow), that doesn`t mean that i love and understand her in a loving way, i will probably never do that. The problems she caused for my family has been to big.
What i can see is that there is a balance between spouses in all marriages...
Its give and take all the time, like a ball that bounces back and forward or a scale that goes up and down all the time.
You weigh your gains to the other ones and make sure that its equal.
In a family where mother has 3 children and stepfather has 0 you can see that the balance is already off from the beginning.

She was a stay at home mother-he was a eager student, again a shift in balance when it comes to education. He ends up getting a long education that gives him an image of being smart, clever and intelligent, he tries to get her out in work and she manages to have a job for several years.

This shift in daily life was a huge change for all of her children.
She is all of a sudden not a stay at home wife but a career woman who walks to job with a suitcase under her arm.

She makes advertising. Her husband tries to encourage her to find positive things about this career, maybe because he has noticed that he has a much more important job then she has. I think my mother was jealous at him for what he was doing. I also think that she was secretly afraid that he would leave her for somebody smarter. There was always a pressure of telling my mother how smart and clever she always was, like thanking her for the dinner.
In my opinion she was smarter before she even had a job, she knew the values of being a good mother to me, something that she totally lacked after she started to become so very busy all the time. At the same time she was working hard, we were also renovating a large flat, and building up a new family.
This takes up a lot of time so i was sometimes put to work for this new family of her by painting things for her or doing other things like babysitting or house cleaning.

Everything was done so that the queen bee would have some weights off her shoulder.

This is a choice she made why would i be a slave for her because she wants to have a new marriage?
Why did i lose so many things because she had to have a new family?
Is that fair?

Like i said i have written about this in other threads so no wish for repeats..
this blog was meant to be about the relationship she had between my stepfather and the inferior feeling she sometimes gets.
I think that its him who is giving it to her.
The problem is that she doesn`t want to confront him about it because that would make a grand conflict between them and probably result in them having a divorce.

The reason i take up their relationship/dynamics is because it has had a major impact on the rest of the family.

He forcing her out in job when she had 3 children to take care of made us lose important time we should have had with her when we grew up.
A time we were initially...

[ Continued ]