The morning atmosphere when it is 3pm can not be anything else then a illusion!

I have thought around my family problems trying to figure out how and why my family got so many problems.

So far i have figured out that it has got something to do with my grandfather, partially because my mother stated in a phone call once that mental problems is something one can inherit. It was a clue for me to figure out what she meant.

My grandfather fell in love with his cousin when he was young, i don`t have any details so i can only speculate about what really happened.

I try to excuse him away by saying that maybe they were so young when they met each other that they didn`t know they were related or the meaning of that?

I didn`t learn about his crush on his cousin before i was in my adulthood, when he restarted his affair with her many years after my grandmother had died.

My grandfather was also a prisoner of war during 2WW, he sat as a hostage for 6 months inside a factory where he had worked. Hitler told the guards to kill all the hostages if the heavy water plant was blown up. It got blown up but Hitler then said not to kill the prisoners, so my grandfather told me that ironically Hitler was the one who saved his life.

All those days in insecurity gave him psychological problems.
I can see similarities in his captivity and my mothers first marriage, where she later told me that she didn`t really want to be married to him or have his children, so i think this was her "therapeutic" marriage, to get over/understand her father. But then he also had some dark secrets that he didn`t share with her until she was much older, so...i guess my mum was right about mental problems being shared/inherited.

I think my grandfather might die soon? He is very old around 90.
The sad bit is that he only lives a short walk from me and i haven`t seen him for many years because of family problems.

I met him once 4 years ago and haven`t had any contact with him since.

He backs my mother up in the family issues and it is a difficult relationship.

I remember him best from when i was very young and shared many weekends at his and my grandmothers cabin in the forest, that cabin used to be a place where all the children from the first marriage could meet but it has been sold.
I think that the relationship to my grandfather has been "watered out" because of all the children my mother got in her second marriage.

Grandparents don`t know who to have a relationship to any more and it is difficult when my mother has so many children.

I am a little bit pis**** off today! I don`t have any money left, or what is left is just some crumbles and i had to sell a thing so that i can have money for 5 days until i get some.

I always get only small sums of money which makes daily life sometimes challenging when it comes to how to spend and how much to spend.

Then my neighbour started to drill next door to me(he has stopped finally but i am afraid of when he starts again... a damn nuisance! I only have one bedroom and no other room to stay in when he makes his racked and i went on a long bike trip yesterday so i need to rest!

Damn f-ing neighbour ...

[ Continued ]

10 years of guilt have been and passed by.

I talked to a woman who told me a story about a ninety year old man who got hit by the car that her friend was driving. The hitter got 2 years in prison.
It was a accident and from what i understood the old man just popped up from no where. Now i don`t know the details of this case so i can only make assumptions. On my intuition of the woman i was talking to i don`t think there was any intent in this friends mind to hit that old geezer, but it happened anyway. I was surprised to hear that she got so long in jail for it since i read an article about people going to jail for what is pure accidental, and how some lawyers were against it.
I am thinking a little bit that maybe that 90 year old guy was demented? I know some old people are.

I didn`t get the impression from the woman i was talking to that her friend was any "out of the ordinary". She never said that she had struggled with any alcohol problems or anything such, so it strikes how a "normal" person with no bad intentions can go to jail for something like that?
I think courts are making more problems sometimes.

Busy busy busy...
Angry angry angry angry

Yepp! That puts a button on it!

Only trying to keep my head above waves today...
I have called someone and i have to go inside a grill (again) some day and that is going to be boiling warm for me inside my head..gosh i envy those without all of my problems.
I have seen the same office with so many different people in it that i am sick of looking at the counter there!
Every time i go back there i have a new case worker its sickening and frustrating!
So i am angry, upset, hurt and frustrated..and not at least sick of hoping that the life i live will make some change but then it doesn`t so i wind up feeling dumb for screaming at what i call the wall.
Which is really just bureaucracy.
I am sick of my situation and knowing that someone`s dumbness put me in it!
So then i am more sick in my head..wonder when life will stop putting nails in my head?


This morning when i realized myself into the mysterious internet i chose not to take the long road in my explaining..hence i come back later that day to explain more of what is lurking inside of me at the moment.

I have had some problems with coming back to work and therefore have had to accept the possibility of not working any more. I have spent 10 years of my life trying hard to get back into something i have called a job but it has always ended up in problems for me.

I have so many physical and psychological problems that always come in the way for work.

Driving zig zag inbetween doctors, case workers and becoming a lost cause out there on the highway is not what i wanted to but what has seemed to be of importance on some instances.

Now i am fed up with all this time i have spent trying to explain to people what my life really is and then them not listening to me.

I have had doctors, psychologists and case workers who weren`t listening to me, which has resulted in them sending me on a long journey of frustration.

Instead of someone telling me not to work any more and saying that i need the time for myself i have always been met by people who more or less expect the unexpected.

For every new case worker there has to be a new explanations, same goes for doctors and i am fed up and sick about it.

Also when i have read their journals/reports it has shocked how untrained they there seem to be
it seems like they are writing for themselves and their own amusement more then for me their patient, so i am fed up!

They out rule things that are important to me and instead write about insulting things that are condescending or put me down in some way.

I had one doctor who i told i wasn`t seeing my family anymore, then a year after i had ended the treatment there i found out that my stepfather had called him

I would never have found out about that if i hadn`t read his journal, he never told me about it

I told him about my family problems i even had my psychologist with me once when we had a meeting at his office.

This psychologist wasn`t exactly in tuned with what i was going threw at all.. she had found a regular path that she went down whenever she got a new patient, and to me it didn`t seem like she liked things being "out of the ordinary".

Her approach was to look at the family and not one and one person...which at that time couldn`t have been a worse combination for me.

I haven`t been contacted by the employment office...

[ Continued ]

This empty blog can be deleted.

I hate to be restless...its one thing to have some stress which can be good for me because i get some things done, but its another to feel stress because i am restless.

I hate not knowing what to do like if i have to choose between two things at the same time and i can`t choose. I have read that this is the state for some mental problems not being able to take a choice.

Sometimes i can stand for ages just wondering if i should have that bread or the other, its so irritating that i wind up irritating myself about it.

Of course you could say why not just go for one of the options and see how it goes and then make the best out of it, which is what i always say to my self.
But then i have been living on my own for a long while and i know my personal choices doesn`t conflict or harm others in any way and i am the only one living with the consequences of my own choices.

Its not the same if you are in a marriage or other relationships then you have to pick the choice that is good for everybody else too and this can be a little bit more difficult.

I am in a big group of people who are my friends and we don`t always agree on what to do, so if i chose one thing then someone else might get irritated.

I hate that feeling especially when i want to do everything.

I hate that split it makes in me.

I wonder if its the splitting feeling that i have from my family, where i felt as if i had to choose between my half siblings and my biological siblings?

In the end that feeling becomes too disturbing and stressing to me that i just cave in and give up!
It becomes debilitating for me.
I think maybe this is the part of the reason why i have isolated myself.

Also nagging is the worst and best in a way, if people nag at me i feel that its because they want me there which is nice but then i also feel the pressure it makes inside of me which is bad.

I have read that you shouldn`t throw the stick to many times for the dog to catch it because it becomes disorientated, i think its the same with people.