What is logic?

Whenever i am confronted with a therapist i always get asked this question.

In my opinion logic is when you know what is inside the lines, you know what is the cause, what is the reason and how about everything. First then when you have all those informations you can start to be logic or think with a logic mind.

In many cases in psychology you have patients who don`t see logic because they don`t see or understand the problems. The same happened in my family, in one sense we were a family and had to live within those boundaries and follow the rules of engagement and in another we were separate with our own feelings twisting and turning.

There is a good saying:

Agreement in big things, freedom in the little things and love in everything

Both of my elder siblings have had psychological problems for many years.

First in my older days that i have realized just how much of a liability that has been for me.

Living with or interacting with people who have unstable minds and who also have a close relationship to you is both heavy and disturbing.

I remember going to the mental hospital to meet my sister, once she had a frighten look in her eyes, telling me that she was going threw a nightmare.

The other time i went there she just sat there and stared out in the air for a long time, hardly saying anything to me and occasionally gave me spear stares as if she hated me, and then shifted back to sweet again.
Its like she is struggling with her own feelings inside not knowing how to be.
Seeing a close relative slipping away like that is painful.
I know that i have shifting feelings too.
To walk out in the real life with shifting feelings is difficult because other people can see right threw you and then they don`t understand you.
You need something to trust in life, trust is like a platform from where all creations can be built, if the trust is shifting then the platform is too and you don`t get any masterpieces because it all just falls apart underneath you.
Deeper feelings is what a family is really about, all your values you get from your family and whenever they are in trouble they expect you to do something.

If you don`t then you are SOMETHING.

Many people in my family look for support for their own "political" case.
They all claim to be right in some argument and you have to pick which side you are on.

When a family becomes this instead of a team then you know that you are in trouble.

My brother also has struggled with many problems when he was younger. I went to his flat when he was 18 and i was a young teenager.

He had painted up side down crosses in black painting all over his flat.
It was so far apart from the brother i was used to seeing.

It was like crawling into his hell for some time.

His whole flat was destructed.

I didn`t really know my brother because the little time i had with him he wasn`t really honest.
And when he was honest he was always angry or mad and that made it difficult to understand him.

And also that anger had partly to do with me since i was in another "party".

He struggled for many years and i know he stills struggles sometimes.

I know that parts of him want to protect me and parts of him is in ignorance.
I haven`t seen him for almost 10 years and i think its best for all of us that i don`t.

If you don`t have contact with your family for a long time then it becomes someone you can live without.
I have a hole inside of me but i pretend its not there and i know that i have to keep on pretending that its not there as long as i live, because if i acknowledge what should have been there, then i am giving into the force that will drag me into a black hole, and i don`t want to be there.

I know today that most the things that has been going on inside my life was outside my control.

I know that there were few or little things that i could have said then that would have made any different outcome.

At the time most of these things happened i was too young to realize what i should do about them.
Solving problems takes a lot of knowledge and i didn`t have all that knowledge at that time.

I keep wishing that my friend had met someone who had or my neighbour or the dog for that matter!

Learning about the harshness in life is never a good experience, it can take years for those wounds to mend properly.

Sometimes they make me feel worn out and sometimes they can make feel stronger.
I remember "E" my friend giving me a letter before i went for one of my trips, she insisted that i didn`t open it until i sat on the plane.

Inside the letter was a card that said "Thank you for being such a good friend".

It touched every nerve part inside of me...

Death isn`t about life its about losing someone who mattered especially to me, maybe not the whole world read those words, and maybe the fat guy sitting next to me didn`t understand why my eyes became tear filled.

Without her in my life i wouldn`t have know what true friendship was about. Her spirit is always here with me.

I had friends before she came into my life who didn`t give a rats tail for my feelings, and here she was serenading me for only being her friend.

I haven`t been proud of myself for many things but that moment there she proved to me that i hadn`t been a f... up in my last friendship and that i still had something inside me that was worth sharing with others.
That is what this one person managed to tell me with such few words.

So i hope this letter inspires YOU! to give some of these words out to someone you love too, because they can mean a great difference in somebody`s head.
And they can be remembered for years even after the relationship is over.

So go out and love some more!

A bit ironic that we named the cat for Missy.....

Sometimes life can be like entering the highway where lots of cars drives back and forward and you are standing in the middle trying hard to make some f******** sense of it all!
Then when you finally put your foot on the gas you see someone ahead of you crash and wonder what the f************ you are doing there


Learn how to drive and get your lessons right....a friend of mine knew all that and still got bumped from the rear...ay what is a person to do?

My beloved friend who died many years ago was the type of friend who saw straight threw me, i only wish that i had the same capabilities back then to see her the same way and then maybe i could have help her(more). We lost all contact some years before her suicide, she moved to another city and despite that i met her two times by accident she didn`t want to have any more contact with me.
(Not in a mean way, we were always friends and we gave each other a hug the last time we met).
She moved far away and got new friends there i think she was angry with me for not understanding her. She had a temper because of her parents divorce and a rape she had experienced when she was a child, she started to abuse drugs when she moved away and i think she thought that i was too "innocent" for that group?
But she was never angry at me for it. I would say that she was older then her biological age because of her experiences. She had lived in South Africa during her childhood, her mother was from England and father from Norway so she lost a lot of contact with them both due to long distances and new marriages.

She was a stubborn girl, i got to know her at school when we were 15 years old and i stayed in contact with her for about 4 years.

We were good friends, i was invited once to a cabin where we saw the northern lights together but also were i saw her have a fight with her father.
She marched out of the cabin took on her skis and went alone to the parking lot 5 hours away the day we were going back to the city.

We were meant to go it together but instead i winded up going it alone and looking for her the whole way, when i finally made it to the parking lot she was standing there with a big smile and open arms. She always gave me hugs.
She had caught a ride on a snow scooter only 10 minutes after she had left the cabin, so she had been waiting at the parking lot for 5 hours.

Sometimes when i am miserable and think about death i wish for it to be in that same way...that i come in a bit later then her and there she is waiting for me with a smile and a laugh.

Of course i know this is not how it is..and i have to live with her inside my memory but that was a good memory for me because she cracked that smile.
I was feeling so tired after carrying a heavy backpack and skiing for 5 hours alone not knowing for sure if i was going the right way, so her smile eased me.

She was a good friend i know i could have spoken to about anything and that is why i miss her.
I also miss the laughs we shared as she was the friend i had the most and the best laughs with at that time and period of my life.

Also she came into my life after a friend of mine had mistreated me in a bad way so she eased my head in many ways....

I begged for her to stay in contact with me, i remember i asked for her to call me once. I was always glad to see her but i was like her also busy tending to my newly adult life with work and studying.
It was at a new job that i heard that she was dead...
I had just finished a course for a new job as a marketing interviewer and was about to have my first working day.
We worked inside a big office with about 100 computers and phones and the guy sitting in front of me was an old mutual friend of my friend and me, so i asked him if he had heard from her.

He just said that she had killed herself two years ago.

I was so upset that i had to leave, i told my supervisor that i had...

[ Continued ]

Incidentally the guy i once shared a flat with i also shared a cat with for a while...that cat was like a big relief for me at the time since i had lost so many in a short period of time...

Before i engaged myself with this man i had lost not one but 3 of my close neighbours that i shared a corridor with.

One died of lung asthma, one died of another problem, he had something white in his pee, called the ER by the time they came he just collapsed and died, he was the cleaner in the house and spoke to everybody i had only spoken to him two days in advance and all had seemed fine.
The other guy was quite young but always seemed sick, he was a previous drug abuser and kept to himself, but he smiled a shy smile whenever i saw him, he also died suddenly..he was out clubbing one night and had breathing problems.

We talked a lot in our neighbourhood..because we shared a bathroom and toilet in the hallway so we meet up there and also a washing room.

Then there was a guy who killed himself on the balcony..he hung himself on the balcony that was just outside my room.

Then there was a dog in the forest that drowned in front of me because the water was to cold so we couldn`t save him.

Then there was a dear old friend of mine from school who had taken her own life and i had only just found about it.

Then there was my sister who i had a unstable relationship to, she had recently told me that she didn`t want to have any more contact with me.

And then...i got a cat at my new place that i shared with my boyfriend, we got it from a neighbour who couldn`t have it anymore because it didn`t work with her young child.

The cat was afraid of people because the child had pulled its tail, i got it to communicate with people again and then it died

In the beginning it wouldn`t let me pick it up and would scratch me, so i just waited and then one morning she came up to me in bed when i had just woken up and kissed me...

It was the best moment i had for a long time...
She started to follow me when i was outside and one day she suddenly went missing.

I called for her for days all around in the neighbourhood, and then my boyfriend found her in the parking lot, she had been hit by a car and we had to put her down.

I was in total misery.

Life sure has its challenges, sometimes we have to see life where everything is dead.

That cat gave me hope again to find love and that there is love somewhere even if it looks impossible to find it. She used to hide under the coach for hours just to avoid us..and in the end she would eat of my hand.

That kiss is what i will remember her for, it was to say thank you and i love you..the universal language as a kiss might be.

She must have heard me yelling for her and she must have tried to crawl home, she knew she was loved back again.

The cleaner in the house was a friendly man who had just spent his summer holiday down south of the country with his family.
Some weeks before his death he had helped me and my boyfriend with some shopping since we were to ill to crawl out of the bed, so he is was one of our friends.
He was always friendly and smiling when he talked to the neighbours, and that says a lot to me, despite that he was in the age of possibly being in pension he still wiped floors and stairs. He still lived in the small flat that he had been living in for about 30 years of his life, he was one of those who had lived there for the longest of time and knew everybody there.

He lived in a flat approx. 15 square metres big but his smile was even bigger.

We were all in a shock when he all of a sudden passed away from us.

It makes me think about life and what could or couldn`t happen?

I think he was just an ordinary guy trying to make the best of his situation and that makes him an ordinary every day hero for me

But of...

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