A few months ago i discovered two ex boyfriends were following me on FB, this distraught me because i felt as if they were spying on me, and i don`t see any of them any longer. I haven`t seen any ofI them for about 3 years...
It was creepy because i had posted private pictures and statement(nothing about them), and i had new friends both males and females on FB.

I don`t like people i have broken up with come and stalk me long after i have broken up with them.

One of the men had a lot of trouble with his self esteem, and the other one was aggressive.

I had to close my profile in the end, because i didn`t want them to stalk me on line.
I didn`t have other friends then the once i had on FB, but because those guys came and interacted i lost all of them.

I think society opens up for more "hidden" stalking now a days, or easier ways for stalkers to stalk while they are sitting in their living rooms. They don`t need to go to your work place or house to see who you are in a relationship with.

Also we are a less hidden people, we give out personal profiles to everyone, before if i changed social group or living place and then got another boyfriend, it was very little likely that my old would ever meet, see or even know about who was my new boyfriend.

Now all you have to do is click a few buttons and you can see everything that person is doing in real time!

One of my ex`s wants revenge because i found something on his computer, the other one is a loner who possibly can`t find another woman who is interested in him, so he comes over to my page to reminisce.

Not much to talk about from my side of earth really...had my cervix taken out a few days ago and its getting colder for everyday, on Wednesday its going to be -10 celsius.

We had a big snow fall 2 days ago, so i might just take out my skis and go for a trip?

We can rent cabins in the forest but its a little bit expensive, so i am not sure if i will do it?

My grandfather had a relationship with his cousin when he was young, and he went back to her after my grandmother died 50 years later.
I think that has had some effect on our family, since we never heard about this until he was 90 years old.
Its a long time to keep a secret.

I haven`t slept all night, find myself battling with too many sleep problems.
One day i am fine and the next i am up all night.
A bit frustrating because getting back into normal time is difficult.
I notice that sleeping in daytime isn`t as good a sleep as the night times ones.
Heard somewhere that total darkness is best when you sleep, i am too restless to sleep and i am trying desperately to find the reason for it, but it seems like my biology wants to do something else then sleep.

Since people probably want to give advice about this i can say that i have talked to a dr about it, i have some medications but they are very mild ones and don`t work when i am geared up.
I can`t take stronger ones.

I am just venting.

No...total brain fart....nothing....eh
I haven`t written in here for some days, which means A i am happy or B i am dead? Not really sure which one it is?

Have i died?....NO
Am i happy?....eh..lets get back to that one later.

What is happiness?
I see happy as something a bit naive, something connected to my childhood(ironically).
When adults are happy they always respond with "i am good", i so rarely hear people say " i am happy", and i think its because its related to a feeling that they knew from childhood.

Adults are way to sceptic to be happy, and seldom do you see they`re faces light up with a smile from ear to ear.
If you see a man laughing in a bar at a joke, is he happy or just laughing? Two hours later he could be beating the cr** out of his wife at home.
So i really don`t know what happiness is and i find its something only the most spiritual people talk about.
Sure i have heard people say that "i am in a happy place right now", but not "i am happy".
Also i think its because its such a concrete feeling to say "i am happy", it`s present meaning i am happy right now, and we all know or get told that happiness never lasts so we don`t say it in fear of looking like assh**** when we suddenly crash into something again..

Also happiness is a mental condition, and i think for many mental patients its difficult to say "i am happy" because 20 seconds later they remember something bad and fall right back down again.

So what is your opinion on happiness? Leave a comment!

I really want to go on a date but i keep having mixed up emotions about it...
I think about how it would be to have a serious relationship and if i would enjoy it or feel caved in?

I am very unsure about feelings...i sometimes feel like an emotional wreck and i can`t forget about what has happened in my past.
Sometimes i think its much easier not to date to spare myself the expenses of horror that really is..

All the negative thoughts and feelings that isn`t so easy to just brush out of my head.
I am thinking that i need to find a guy who can stand me for the rest of my life, i know i shouldn`t have such diminishing thoughts in my head but i keep on having them!?
And i know they are there because of my past life..
maybe my past life was a too big liability for me to bear?
Or maybe i have a sort of fatigue syndrome when it comes to building close relationships because of my previous relationships?
I haven`t had anybody who stuck to my life, so even imagining that someone will is difficult.
I have been so used to taking care of my self so i don`t know what it will be like to have somebody else there caring for me?
Somebody else butting in, in my feelings and emotions, somebody else who thinks he knows me better then i know myself, another human beings emotions and opinions isn`t always that easy to cope with after a long and hard struggle with my family.
Which i am still going threw.

I have a lot of frightening feelings about "what if"...

What if he decides to leave me for a stupid reason?
What if he isn`t loyal?

Etc..
And when i think about all those "if`s" i wonder what the point really is?

What is the point in forming a relationship if the man leaves me for someone else?

In a world where we can change our appearance and our present so fast, in a world where we have so many options and so many choices, and so much freedom.
I know i worry myself a lot because i don`t have anybody there to tell me not to worry myself so much, like so many people have.
That moral support that seems so "insignificant" can be so important for every choice you make in your life.

Yet i don`t have it and i have to live by my own matters and measurements, which can be so difficult.

I have an image in my head of my parents just opening a gate and letting me and my other (biological) siblings out into the fields, without any care in the world.

I used to walk myself to the nursery when i was only 5 years old, yet in school i wasn`t let outside of the school yard by myself until i was 13 years old.

I also went to the shop by myself when i was 5 years old, which resulted in me almost being kidnapped by a paedophile.

And i almost drowned when i was 6 years old in Portugal because my mother let me bathe ( i couldn`t swim), on my own in the ocean.

So i know that someone has the blame for most of my problems.